Talking to solve friendship problems 通过交谈化解与朋友间的矛盾
 

　　朋友之间产生大大小小的摩擦是在所难免的事情。遇到问题或矛盾，最好的方式是及时沟通，防止问题进一步恶化，但这类谈话并非易事。怎样才能有效地与朋友沟通，以化解矛盾？本文介绍几个在困难对话中能用上的谈话技巧。

　　词汇：problems with people 人际关系问题

　　Sometimes our friends' behaviour can offend us; sometimes we can see changes they need to make – but how do we tell them? Are there any ways to make difficult conversations easier?

　　It's important to have solid evidence that there is indeed a problem. Evidence that can be agreed upon makes it easier for other people to recognise issues. Once you have proof, it's important to highlight how it impacts us and others. Psychologist Andrea Bonior suggests framing problems with 'I'. Saying 'I feel hurt that you spend less time with me' is less accusatory than 'You never spend time with me!' and is focused more clearly on the impact.

　　Staying calm is vital. Becoming tense might lead you to react badly and cause an argument. Bonior recommends that you should acknowledge the conversation could make you anxious. If you think about this yourself, it can help you focus on positive results. If you admit your anxiety to your friend, you will show a more human side. Another psychologist, Laura Brennan, points out how it's important that we let go of our ego¹ and don't focus on the need to be proved right. This can help reduce tension.

　　We can lower the potential for conflict by listening to the other person and asking questions. Many experts recommend planning your words, so that you can say things in a way that avoids conflict. However, Bonior cautions against overplanning as this can stop you being flexible enough to genuinely follow and participate in the discussion.

　　Be realistic. Complicated problems are unlikely to be solved with one conversation. Consider what is possible in one discussion, and that it may be harder than you initially² thought. This will help you to set realistic goals for what you can achieve.

　　词汇表

　　behaviour 行为

　　offend 得罪，惹恼

　　problem （须解决的）问题

　　issue 问题

　　impact 对…产生影响

　　frame 表达，说出

　　accusatory 指责的，谴责的

　　calm 沉着冷静的

　　react 对…作出反应

　　argument 争吵，争论

　　anxious 焦虑的，不安的

　　anxiety 焦虑，不安

　　ego 自我

　　conflict 冲突，争执

　　overplanning 计划过度

　　discussion 讨论，交谈

 

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