Beyond Fear

超越恐惧

When I was told last year that my 2－year－old son had an illness that threatened his life, I tried to strike a bargain with fate――I would do anything, I would trade my old life away, if only he would get better. We learned that our son would need months of treatment, maybe even a year, before we would know whether he would recover. My husband and I settled into a deadening routine; one night at the hospital, the next night at home to be with our daughter, then right back to the hospital. The days and nights were a blur¹ of medical reports. Fear and despair engulfed² me.

去年当我得知两岁的儿子患了一种危及生命的疾病时，我努力跟命运抗争--只要他能好起来，我什么都愿意做，甚至改变我以前的生活。我们得知，儿子需要治疗好几个月、甚至一年后，才知道是不是能康复。我和我丈夫陷入了一种呆板的生活中：头一晚在医院，第二天晚上在家陪女儿，然后又一晚待在医院。日日夜夜都是治疗报告。恐惧和绝望吞没了我。

I watched the other mothers at the hospital. I saw the mother of the child with cystic fibrosis faithfully administer physical therapy, heard the hollow thump－thump－thump as she pounded the child's chest, her efforts a talisman⁴ of dedication⁵, hope and pain. I ached for the mother whose infant twins both had cancer and who managed somehow to write thank－you notes to the nurses after the babies' many hospitalizations. 　　I worried that I could not live up to these mothers' heroism⁶. They did what good mothers are supposed to do,what mothers of sick children have to do,and what I did, too.

我观察了一下医院里的其他母亲。有一个孩子囊性纤维变性，他母亲尽职地帮他进行理疗，在孩子胸上连续敲打，听砰砰的声音。她的努力里面饱含着奉献、希望和痛苦。我敬重那位母亲，她的一对双胞胎婴儿得了癌症，她在孩子们多次治疗之后还能强忍悲痛给护士们写感谢信。

I worried that I could not live up to these mothers' heroism. They did what good mothers are supposed to do,what mothers of sick children have to do,and what I did, too.

我担心自己可能做不到像这些母亲那样坚强。她们做的正是好母亲该做的，也是病儿母亲不得不做的，也是我所做的。

But I did not feel selfless, the way those other mothers seemed to feel. I was ashamed to admit it, but mingled⁷ with my terror and grief. After the first three weeks, we realized we were only at the start of a marathon. The friends who knew me best started telling me I should go back to work. It would be good for you to get a break, they said. I resisted. Good mothers, I thought, do not abandon their sick children for work. Yet when my son's doctor told me he thought it would be fine, that he could E－mail his assessments⁸, I tore myself away.

但我并不像其他母亲那样觉得无私。我很羞愧地承认这一点，同时感到恐惧和悲伤。头三周过后，我们意识到这只是一场马拉松的开头。了解我的朋友开始对我说，我应该继续工作。他们说，换换环境对我有好处。可我拒绝了。我认为好母亲不会丢下生病的孩子去工作。然而儿子的医生也告诉我那样做会好一些，他可以用电子邮件向我传递治疗报告，我只好忍痛离开了。

I could not work a normal schedule――far from it. But as the months of my son's treatment dragged on, he was able to stay out of the hospital for longer periods. My husband and I still took turns at the outpatient clinic or at the hospital. I was lucky that my family and my baby sitter could also relieve me so that my son was never alone.

我无法正常工作--远远不能。但儿子的治疗挨过了一个月又一个月，他可以出院在外待较长时间了。我和我丈夫仍然轮流去门诊所或是医院。幸运的是，我的家人和保姆也能减轻我的负担，所以儿子一直有人陪着。

There were still long stretches when I needed to drop everything to be with him. But to my surprise, I found that going to work when I could eased my sense of helplessness. I could be distracted: there were phone calls and deadlines and a rhythm to be swept into. I could be in control of something.

虽然是这样，可仍有很长一段时间我得抛开一切事情陪在他身边。但让我吃惊的是，我发现只有在工作的时候才能减轻我的无助感。我可以分散注意力，因为有那么多电话要处理，那么多紧急的和日常的工作要去做。我还能够管理某些事情。

I felt guilty at first about the solace¹⁰ I took from work.I often wondered what the other mothers thought of me――taking my work clothes to the hospital, showering in the parents' stall after a long night in which we'd heard the cries of all our children.#p#

刚开始我觉得从工作中获得安慰有一种内疚感。我常常想到别的母亲会怎么看我--我把上班穿的衣服带到医院，熬了长长的一晚听够孩子们的哭闹后在家长单间里冲澡。

Eventually, I realized that getting away was good not only for me but for my son and daughter. When my son first became sick, the doctors told me I had to be strong for him. I could not show fear. Somehow I also had to convey confidence to my daughter, to help her endure what had befallen us.

最后，我意识到离开不仅对我而且对我儿子女儿都有好处。儿子刚开始生病的时候，医生就对我说，为了他我得坚强起来。我不能把恐惧显露出来。我还得设法把信心传递给女儿，帮她忍受降临在我们身上的事情。

Although I feared that working might be selfish,I could see that it actually seemed reassuring¹¹ to my children,a sign that we could,for moments at least,return to our routines. Working was a pledge that life could go on.It was a statement of hope.

尽管我也担心我去工作可能自私了一些，但我知道实际上这消除了孩子们的疑虑，这标志着我们至少有时可以回到常规的生活中去。工作意味着生活能继续。工作也说明有希望。

Once again, as I had so often realized since I had become a mother, I understood how dangerous are the " shoulds" of motherhood, how destructive is society's insistence¹² on one right way to be a good mother. Too many experts tell us that good mothers do not abandon their children to baby sitters. Good mothers prove their devotion by never leaving their children. Yet such rules ignore the truth that mothers are not all alike, that there are many ways to give children what they need and deserve. The rules tell mothers how to act without taking into account how mothers feel and how those feelings will affect their children.

我再一次认识到--自从做了母亲后我已多次意识到--做母亲的"该做些什么"这样的想法有多危险，而社会坚持如何做好母亲的惟一标准又有多大的毁灭性。有那么多专家告诉我们，好母亲不会把孩子留给保姆。好母亲的爱心就是从不把孩子独自留下。然而这些规则都忽略了这样一个事实：并不是所有的母亲都一样，而且满足孩子的需要和他们该得到的有方式很多。这些规则没有考虑到母亲的感觉，以及这种感觉会对孩子有何影响。

If I had followed the rules, I would have succumbed¹³ to terror and failed my children. In the end, this ordeal¹⁴ eased my guilt⁹ about leaving my son's side at times. I realized that I, like many others who care for sick people, needed somewhere else to go once in a while to draw breath and find meaning before returning to the work of nursing.For me, my job was that place.For others, it might be someplace else.

如果我也遵循了这些规则，我也许就向恐惧投降了，也会使我的孩子失望。这种严峻的考验最终减轻了我因为时不时离开儿子而产生的负疚感。我认识到，像其他照顾患者的人一样，我也需要不时地去其他地方歇一歇，找到生活的意义，然后再回去照料病人。对我而言，工作就是这样一个换换气的地方。对别人来说，可能是其他地方。

My son is recovering now, but I am still too close to his illness to understand fully³ what lessons I can learn, what meaning I can wrest¹⁵, from this experience. All I can say is that working when my child was so sick might look wrong from the outside, but on the inside, it helped keep me sane¹⁶. I grew less intimidated¹⁷ by the other mothers. I allowed myself to see that I was no less dedicated¹⁸. We were all caring for our children, each in our own way.

我儿子现在正在恢复，但我仍很担心他的病情，以致于不完全知道从这次经历中我能吸取什么教训、得出什么结论。我能说的只是孩子生病我还工作，在外人看来这似乎是不对的。但实际上，这样做帮助我保持理智。我不再因为其他母亲的行动而感到恐惧不安。我自己也看到我跟其他母亲一样乐于献身。我们都很关心孩子，只是每个人都有自己的方式。