My wife and I have three small children. Chinese friends often ask why three children, not one or none: Doesn’t raising three children limit my career in business and in my wife’s case, teaching?
The
acronym1 DINK -- double income, no kids -- originated in the US in the 1960s. Fearing that children might
constrain2 their freedom, married working women began to avoid
pregnancy3; the result was many busy, prosperous young DINK couples. This choice was not
irrational4. After all, nowadays
retired5 people can live on their pensions and
savings6, so they are no longer compelled to depend on their offspring in old age. And a child is undeniably an expensive proposition: so much time and money are required. Why bother having one? It is hard to
condemn7 those who
opt8 out of parenthood. And in China their decisions are
perfectly9 in keeping with the drive to limit population growth.
Yet few couples with children would agree that they were stupid to become parents. Most are very happy that they have had the experience of witnessing a child grow to
maturity10. A baby enters the world with a mind like blank paper, and gradually he or she acquires the ability to think, to talk and finally to communicate easily. Isn’t there something magical about it? When you see the process happening before your very eyes, you feel a happiness like no other.
A Chinese DINK said to me recently, "If you didn’t have three children, you could go to a bar or the cinema with your wife on weekends -- how unrestrained and romantic that would be!" But I would say that no matter how wonderful Hollywood films or Broadway performances are, watching them is far less interesting than seeing my
extrovert11 of a daughter sing and dance. If it’s true that there are rewards to be gotten from having children, then surely the happiness of seeing them grow up is the greatest. Another Chinese friend of mine complained: " I provided the funds for my child to go to college and then off to America for a master’s degree, but so far I haven’t gotten any rewards out of playing parent." To him I would say that the rewards were there all along -- for any parent open to the wonder of seeing a child begin to speak, or surprise us with a new word used for the first time.
But this is a happiness that can be felt only after you become a parent; there’s no appreciating it otherwise. However, who
begets12 a child out of curiosity to see him or her grow up? None of my friends had this in mind when they or their wife got pregnant. For some the pregnancy was unexpected. Others had parents eager to have grandchildren. A few said they had children because a person’s life would be incomplete without one. Some said that there were millions and millions of children in the world and they just wanted to see what theirs would be like. And some said that having a child can bring stability to a troubled marriage -- but is that really true? I myself didn’t give it much thought. I just assumed it was the natural thing to do, and since my wife enjoyed big, cheerful, lively families, we went ahead and had three kids. No regrets.
I know my words won’t change any minds. What DINKs say is obviously true: children really do require lots of
parental13 energy and money. Just watch a mother bring a sick child to a hospital; you can see the tension, the worry, and all the self-control it takes to seem calm and
reassuring14. No, raising a child is not easy. The happiness of seeing a child grow, in contrast, is largely in the mind of the parents, and other people cannot so readily perceive it. Indeed, if I were not writing on this subject for the BeijingYouthDaily, I would be very unlikely to go around telling all and
sundry15 how happy I am to be the father of my trio. Little wonder, then, that so many people without children believe parenthood is all work and no fun.
I repeat: each individual has his or her own reasons for wanting or not wanting children, and his or her own happiness to build. The saddest people are those who have children but come to regret it, for whatever reason. Regretful parents are usually closed to family happiness. And without the happiness, all that remain are the burdens. This kind of family is frequently rocked by conflict, and divorce often ends the story. So any couple who want a child should first be confident that their marriage is sound. Children deserve better than to be the victims of
marital16 crisis.
(本文作者是美国华裔，现在北京工作。他的三个孩子分别是5岁、3岁和1岁。)
我和妻子有三个小孩，中国朋友常问我们，为什么要三个孩子———而不是一个或根本不要？养育三个孩子会不会影响我俩事业的发展(我经商，妻子是教师)？
丁克家庭(夫妻二人都工作但没有孩子的英文缩写)起源于上个世纪六十年代的美国。由于担心孩子会限制自己的自由，结了婚的职业女性开始避孕，结果是出现了许多忙忙碌碌而事业成功的丁克夫妇。这种选择并非不理性。要知道，如今退休后可以靠养老金和积蓄过日子，而不再像过去那样，老时必须依靠子女。再说，养育孩子是件高投入的事，这一点无可否认———需要付出那么多的时间和金钱。那何必费心劳神要孩子呢？我们很难指责那些决定不当父母的夫妇。在中国，他们的决定与实行控制人口增长的国策是完全一致的。
不过，在有孩子的夫妇中，很少有人赞成他们当了父母是犯傻的观点，绝大多数都非常高兴自己能亲眼目睹一个孩子走向成熟。一个婴儿来到人世，其头脑就像一张白纸，渐渐地，他(她)能思考了，能说话了，最后，能与人不费力气地交流了，这难道不是很神奇吗？当这个神奇的过程就发生在眼前，你会感到一种无可比拟的快乐。
最近，一位中国“丁克”对我说：“你要是没有三个孩子，周末与太太去酒吧或电影院———那多自在、多浪漫啊！”可我要说，无论好莱坞的影片、百老汇的表演多么精彩，都远不如看我那活泼外向的小女儿又唱又跳有趣。如果说养育孩子确有回报的话，看着他们长大所感受到的乐趣就是最大的回报。另一位中国朋友向我抱怨道：“我供孩子上了大学，又供他去美国读硕士学位，可到现在为止我还没从为人父母中得到任何回报。”对他的抱怨，我会说，回报早就有啦———任何乐于看孩子开口说话、或看孩子第一次用了某个词语而引起惊喜的父母，都能获得这种回报。
但这种快乐只有当你当了父母之后才能感受到，否则不可能真正体会。可是，有谁要孩子是出于想看孩子怎么长大的好奇心呢？在我的朋友当中，没有一个是这样想的。有人怀孕是不期而至，有的是由于自己的父母急于想抱孙子，有的说要孩子是因为没有孩子人生就不完整，有的说世上有亿万儿童，就想知道自己的孩子是什么样，还有的说，孩子能让有问题的婚姻稳定———果真如此吗？我本人倒是没太考虑要孩子的理由，只是觉得这是一件自然而然的事，而且我妻子喜欢活泼欢快的大家庭，于是就要了三个孩子。我们乐在其中，丝毫不悔。
我知道我的话不会让任何人改变想法。丁克们说的显然是实情：孩子需要父母付出大量精力和金钱。看看一位母亲带孩子去看病的情形吧：她紧张，忧虑，还要自我克制以显得镇静，让孩子安心。是的，养育孩子绝非易事。与这种人人看得见的操劳相比，看着一个孩子成长感受到的快乐存在于父母的心中，别人无法轻易感受到。实际上，要不是为《北京青年报》就这一题目写文章，我不会逢人便说做三个孩子的父亲是多么幸福，而那么多没有孩子的人认为当父母就只意味着辛劳而无任何乐趣也是不足为怪的。
说来说去，要孩子还是不要孩子，每个人都有自己的理由，有自己所追求的快乐。最为不幸的是那些有了孩子但出于某种原因却又后悔的人。这些后悔的父母往往不能感受到家庭快乐。而没有了快乐，剩下的就全是负担了。这种家庭常常会被冲突所动摇，往往以离婚收场。所以，任何想要孩子的夫妇首先应确信其婚姻是稳固的。孩子不该成为婚姻危机的牺牲品，他们理应拥有更好的生活。
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