The life I desired

    我所追求的生活

    That must be the story of innumerable couples，and the pattern of lifeof life it offers has a homely¹ grace.It reminds you of a placid² rivulet，meandering smoohtly through green pastures and shaded by pleasant trees，till at last it falls into the vasty sea；but the sea is so calm，so silent，so infifferent，that you are troubled suddently by a vague uneasiness.Perhaps it is only by a kink in my nature，strong in me even in those days，that i felt in such an existence，the share of the great majority，something amiss.I recognized its social value.I saw its ordered happiness，but a fever in my blood asked for a wilder course.There seemed to me something alarming in such easy delights.In my heart was desire to live more dangerously.I was not unprepared for jagged rocks and treacherous，shoals it I could only have change-change and the exicitement of unforeseen.

    这一定是世间无数对夫妻的生活写照，这种生活模式给人一种天伦之美。它使人想起一条平静的溪流，蜿蜒畅游过绿茵的草场，浓荫遮蔽，最后注入烟波浩渺的汪洋大海；但是大海太过平静，太过沉默，太过不动声色，你会突然感到莫名的不安。也许这只是我自己的一种怪诞想法，在那样的时代，这想法对我影响很深：我觉得这像大多数人一样的生活，似乎欠缺了一点儿什么。我承认这种生活有社会价值，我也看到了它那井然有序的幸福，但我血液里的冲动却渴望一种更桀骜不驯的旅程。这样的安逸中好像有一种叫我惊惧不安的东西。我的心渴望一种更加惊险的生活。只要生活中还能有变迁———以及不可知的刺激，我愿意踏上怪石嶙峋的山崖，奔赴暗礁满布的海滩。