Last night, I was coming home from dinner with friends, and I got into a heated discussion with the taxi driver. We weren't arguing, there was a lot of laughter and in fact, some agreement on issues from both sides.  

 

Our topic was the perennial¹（常年的） - the differences between my culture and his culture and our focus was relationships, as it often is once it has been established that I am 33, unmarried and with no boyfriend, no child and no great feeling of loss in my life for not having any of the above. 

 

The taxi driver was arguing the point that to his mind, it's impossible to not get married and have a child. I was arguing that it's not necessary to do that if that is not what you want to do or also, if you can't find anyone to do it with. To give as examples, I had a whole bunch of people I had met in China who were divorced or unhappy in their marriages but couldn't get divorced, or who felt that they were under a lot of pressure from their parents to get married even when they hadn't found someone, or who felt under pressure to have a child and so on. 

 

In fact, I could name a good number of women, at least, in other countries who despite being more or less happily married complain about the charge in their lives and the lack of freedom and independence that comes from getting married. 

 

In the end, the taxi driver and I had to end our conversation, mainly because I had arrived at my destination and we were blocking traffic by stopping at the kerb（街头的边石）, but also because we agreed to differ on the subject. 

 

However, my train of thought didn't end there, and I got to thinking about an email I had recently received from my cousin who has just discovered the Mosu. The Mosu are an ethnic² group living in Yunnan who have a fascinating way of living. In brief, the woman stay with their birth families and are visited by men of their choice be it for one night or for every night for the rest of their lives, but they don't get married. Any children from these encounters are brought up by the woman and her family, and the women feel that this is the best way to be because they receive more love and support from their family members than from a man. My cousin, who is also not so keen on the idea of a traditional family unit - husband, wife, children - was very excited about this concept. 

 

Actually, I have been thinking about this kind of situation for a long time. At present, I have a lot of female friends who are in their 30's and some in their 40's who are unmarried and without children. Now, none of these women are sitting at home waiting for their Prince Charming or their knight³ in shining armour⁴. On the contrary, they are out living in different countries, traveling, studying, volunteering, working in fulfilling jobs, going out dancing, taking lovers and generally having great and full lives. 

 

However, although most of them are not so interested in marriage, they do harbour a niggling（琐碎的） fear at the back of their minds that they are going to be lonely in their old age. In fact, one of my friends' mothers uses this as a way of trying to get her daughter to get married as soon as possible. She does have a point. As we get older and many friends do get caught up in their own family lives, relationships and the depth of relationships do change. 

 

Yet, it's possible to think of alternatives. There is no reason why in a society that has changed so much since our parents' generation we need to follow that traditional path. It's possible that we could form a Mosu-like alternative household with, for example, single female friends sharing a house and men only being transient⁵. Children could be brought up in a warm environment with other children to play with. Even if we didn't want to live together, living close by would also be a possibility. As we got older, we would have each other's company, so loneliness would not be a problem. 

 

Sadly, I didn't have the time or the fluency⁶ to explain all this to my taxi driver friend, and I am not sure he would have been convinced anyway, but for me at least, the Mosu have got the right idea.

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