我在好几篇小说中都提到过一座废弃的古园，实际就是地坛。许多年前旅游业还没有开展，园子荒芜冷落得如同一片野地，很少被人记起。

In a number of my stories, I've referred to an antiquated¹ park: in fact, this is the Temple of Earth Park. Some years ago, before tourism had developed much, it was as desolate² and neglected as a wasteland. People seldom gave it a thought.

 

地坛离我家很近。或者说我家离地坛很近。总之，只好认为这是缘分。

The Temple of Earth wasn't far from my home, or perhaps it's better to say my home wasn't far from it. All in all, I felt I was related to it by fate.

 

地坛在我出生前四百多年就坐落在那儿了，而自从我的祖母年轻时带着我父亲来到北京，就一直住在离它不远的地方——五十多年间搬过几次家，可搬来搬去总是在它周围，而且是越搬离它越近了。我常觉得这中间有着宿命的味道：仿佛这古园就是为了等我，而历尽沧桑在那儿等待了四百多年。

It had reposed³ there for four hundred years before my birth, and ever since, when my grandmother was a young woman, she had taken my father to live in Beijing, my family had lived near it: in more than fifty years, my family had moved several times, but always to a place in its vicinity. Each time, we moved closer to it. I often felt this was something foreordained -- as if this old park were waiting especially for me: it seemed it had been waiting for four hundred years -- through all the tumultuous changes of those centuries.

 

它等待我出生，然后又等待我活到最狂妄的年龄上忽地残废了双腿。四百多年里，它剥蚀了古殿檐头浮夸的琉璃，淡褪了门壁上炫耀的朱红，坍圮了一段段高墙又散落了玉砌雕栏，祭坛四周的老柏树愈见苍幽，到处的野草荒藤也都茂盛得自在坦荡。

It had waited for me to be born, and then it had waited for me to be suddenly crippled in both legs during my wildly ambitious youth. In those four hundred years, it had been denuded⁴ of the colored glazes⁵ on the eaves of its old temple, the glorious vermilion of its gates and walls had faded, the high walls had collapsed⁶, pieces of jade⁷ inlaid into the pillars had loosened and scattered⁸, yet old dark green cypress⁹ trees surrounding the altar had become more and more serene¹⁰, and everywhere, weeds and vines flourished with abandon.

 

这时候想必我是该来了。十五年前的一个下午，我摇着轮椅进入园中，它为一个失魂落魄的人把一切都准备好了。那时，太阳循着亘古不变的路途正越来越大，也越红。在满园弥漫的沉静光芒中，一个人更容易看到时间，并看见自己的身影。

It was about the right time for me to come here. When the park was finally ready for me -- a man at loose ends -- I maneuvered¹¹ my wheelchair into the park for the first time. The sun -- on its ancient, unchanged path -- was just growing bigger, and redder. In the still rays of light suffusing¹² the park, it was easy for a person to see the time, and easy to see his own shadow.

 

自从那个下午我无意中进了这园子，就再没长久地离开过它。我一下子就理解了它的意图。正如我在一篇小说中所说的：“在人口密聚的城市里，有这样一个宁静的去处，像是上帝的苦心安排。”

Beginning with that afternoon when I happened to go to this park, I've never been away from it for long. I understood at once why it was there. As I said in one story, "In a densely¹³ populated city, it's as if God painstakingly¹⁴ arranged for a place as serene as this."

 

两条腿残废后的最初几年，我找不到工作，找不到去路，忽然间几乎什么都找不到了，我就摇了轮椅总是到它那儿去，仅为着那儿是可以逃避一个世界的另一个世界。

The first few years after I was crippled, I couldn't find work: I had no future; all of a sudden, it was almost as though I couldn't find anything. And so I wheeled myself to the park almost every day: it was another world, one where I could escape this world.

 

我在那篇小说中写道：“没处可去我便一天到晚耗在这园子里。跟上班下班一样，别人去上班我就摇了轮椅到这儿来。园子无人看管，上下班时间有些抄近路的人们从园中穿过，园子里活跃一阵，过后便沉寂下来。” 

I wrote in one story, "With no place to go, I used to spend the whole day in the park every day: other people went to work; I went to the park. It was an abandoned park. When it was time to go to work or time to go home, people took shortcuts¹⁵ through the park, and it became animated¹⁶ for a while. Afterwards, it was still."

 

“园墙在金晃晃的空气中斜切下一溜荫凉，我把轮椅开进去，把椅背放倒，坐着或是躺着，看书或者想事，撅一杈树枝左右拍打，驱赶那些和我一样不明白为什么要来这世上的小昆虫。”

"In the dazzling golden sunlight, the park's wall provided shade: I wheeled myself over there, put the back of the wheelchair down, and -- either sitting or lying down -- I read or thought. I would break off a cypress twig¹⁷ and drive away the insects who didn't know any better than I did why they had been born in this world."

 

“蜂儿如一朵小雾稳稳地停在半空；蚂蚁摇头晃脑捋着触须，猛然间想透了什么，转身疾行而去；瓢虫爬得不耐烦了，累了祈祷一回便支开翅膀，忽悠一下升空了；树干上留着一只蝉蜕，寂寞如一间空屋；露水在草叶上滚动，聚集，压弯了草叶轰然坠地摔开万道金光。”#p#分页标题#e#

"A bee like a tiny piece of mist hung on in midair; an ant was deep in thought, its head wagging and its antennae¹⁸ quivering, and then, all of a sudden, it must have come up with the right answer, for it turned back and scudded¹⁹ off; the ladybug climbed around wearily, stopped to pray for a while, and then, flapping its wings, suddenly soared to the sky; on the tree trunk there was one cicada, as lonely as an empty room; dew rolled around on the leaves of weeds, and then coalesced²⁰, weighing the leaves down until they broke into thousands of rays of golden light."

 

“满园子都是草木竞相生长弄出的响动，窸窸窣窣片刻不息。”这都是真实的记录，园子荒芜但并不衰败。

"The whole park was astir with the sound of weeds, bushes, and trees growing, all shattering ceaselessly." This was all true: the park was a wasteland, but far from going downhill.

 

除去几座殿堂我无法进去，除去那座祭坛我不能上去而只能从各个角度张望它，地坛的每一棵树下我都去过，差不多它的每一米草地上都有过我的车轮印。无论是什么季节，什么天气，什么时间，我都在这园子里呆过。

Aside from some buildings that I had no way to enter, aside from the altar that I had no way to reach but could only gaze at from every possible vantage point, I had been under every tree in the park, and my chair's wheel-prints were left on almost every meter of grass. I had spent time in this park in all seasons, all kinds of weather, and all times of the day.

 

有时候呆一会儿就回家，有时候就呆到满地上都亮起月光。记不清都是在它的哪些角落里了，我一连几小时专心致志地想关于死的事，也以同样的耐心和方式想过我为什么要出生。

Sometimes, I stayed only a short time and then went home; sometimes, I stayed until the entire ground was alight with moonbeams. I don't remember which corners of the park I was in then.

 

这样想了好几年，最后事情终于弄明白了：一个人，出生了，这就不再是一个可以辩论的问题，而只是上帝交给他的一个事实；上帝在交给我们这件事实的时候，已经顺便保证了它的结果，所以死是一件不必急于求成的事，死是一个必然会降临的节日。

For several hours in a row, I was totally absorbed in thinking about death, and just as patiently, I pondered why I had to be born. This kind of thinking went on for quite a few years until I finally understood: a person's birth isn't a question for debate, but is the reality handed to him by God. When God hands us this reality, he has already incidentally assured its end, so death is something one needn't be anxious to bring about; death is a festival that is sure to befall you.

 

这样想过之后我安心多了，眼前的一切不再那么可怕。比如你起早熬夜准备考试的时候，忽然想起有一个长长的假期在前面等待你，你会不会觉得轻松一点？并且庆幸并且感激这样的安排？

After thinking this through, I felt greatly relieved: nothing would ever be so frightening again. Let me put it this way: just think, when you get up early and stay up late preparing for an exam, and suddenly it occurs to you that -- just ahead -- a long vacation is waiting for you, don't you feel a little better? And aren't you happy and grateful for this arrangement?

 

剩下的就是怎样活的问题了，这却不是在某一个瞬间就能完全想透的、不是一次性能够解决的事，怕是活多久就要想它多久了，就像是伴你终生的魔鬼或恋人。

All that's left is the question of how to live, but this is not something you can think through in an instant, not something that you can solve once and for all: you have to think about it your whole life, however long that is. It's a demon²¹ or a lover who is your lifelong companion.

 

所以，十五年了，我还是总得到那古园里去，去它的老树下或荒草边或颓墙旁，去默坐，去呆想，去推开耳边的嘈杂理一理纷乱的思绪，去窥看自己的心魂。十五年中，这古园的形体被不能理解它的人肆意雕琢，幸好有些东西是任谁也不能改变它的。

And so, for fifteen years, I had to go to this old park, go under the old trees or next to the neglected weeds or beside the dilapidated walls, sit in silence or think blankly, break through the feelings of chaotic²² disarray²³ that were all around me, and peep at my soul. In fifteen years, people who didn't understand this old park had wantonly altered some of its design and structure. Fortunately, there were some things that no one could change about it.

 

譬如祭坛石门中的落日，寂静的光辉平铺的一刻，地上的每一个坎坷都被映照得灿烂；譬如在园中最为落寞的时间，一群雨燕便出来高歌，把天地都叫喊得苍凉；譬如冬天雪地上孩子的脚印，总让人猜想他们是谁，曾在哪儿做过些什么、然后又都到哪儿去了；

For example, when the setting sun moves to the spot inside the stone arch of the altar, its rays spread across the ground and each rough spot on the ground is resplendent in the sunshine; or at the loneliest time in the park, a flock of swallows comes out and sings, their desolate song filling the space between heaven and earth; or the footprints children make in the snow in the wintertime, always leading people to wonder who they are, what they are doing there, and where they are going;#p#分页标题#e#

 

譬如那些苍黑的古柏，你忧郁的时候它们镇静地站在那儿，你欣喜的时候它们依然镇静地站在那儿，它们没日没夜地站在那儿，从你没有出生一直站到这个世界上又没了你的时候；

For example, the dark old cypresses²⁴: when you're feeling melancholy²⁵, they are standing²⁶ there sedately²⁷, and when you're feeling happy, they are still standing there sedately -- they've stood there since before you were born and will go on standing there until you are no longer in this world;

 

譬如暴雨骤临园中，激起一阵阵灼烈而清纯的草木和泥土的气味，让人想起无数个夏天的事件；譬如秋风忽至，再有一场早霜，落叶或飘摇歌舞或坦然安卧，满园中播散着熨帖而微苦的味道。

Or a sudden rainstorm in the park touches off a pure green and muddy earth scent²⁸, giving rise to memories of countless²⁹ summer occurrences; or the autumn wind suddenly arrives, and there is an early frost, and falling leaves or tottering³⁰ singing and dancing or calm and quiet sleep: the park is pervaded³¹ with an atmosphere of tranquility and a little bitterness.

 

味道是最说不清楚的，味道不能写只能闻，要你身临其境去闻才能明了。味道甚至是难于记忆的，只有你又闻到它你才能记起它的全部情感和意蕴。所以我常常要到那园子里去。

Atmosphere is the most difficult thing to explain. My words can't convey this atmosphere; you have to be there and smell it for yourself. It's hard to remember, too: only when you smell it again will it bring back all the feelings connected with it. And so I must often go back to this park.

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