羊毛战记 Part 5 The Stranded 60

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　　• Silo 18 •

　　… boys from the other side of the camp. These results were closely observed by the experimenters,who were posing as camp counselors¹. When the violence got out of hand, the experiment was haltedbefore it could run its full course. What began at Robber Cave as two sets of boys, all with nearlyidentical backgrounds and values, had turned into what became known in the field of psychology² asan in-grouping and out-grouping scenario³. Small perceived differences, the way one wore a hat, theinflections in speech, turned into unforgivable transgressions⁴. When stones started flying, and theraids on each other’s camps turned bloody⁵, there was no recourse for the experimenters but to put anend to—

　　Lukas couldn’t read any more. He closed the book and leaned back against the tall shelves. Hesmelled something foul⁶, brought the spine⁷ of the old book to his nose and sniffed⁸. It was him, hefinally decided⁹. When was the last time he’d showered? His routine was all out of whack¹⁰. There wereno screaming kids to wake him in the morning, no evenings hunting for stars, no dimmed stairwell toguide him back to his bed so he could repeat it all the following day. Instead, it was fitful periods oftossing and turning in the hidden bunk¹¹ room of level thirty-five. A dozen bunks¹², but him all alone. Itwas flashing red lights to signal that he had company, conversations with Bernard and Peter Billingswhen they brought him food, long talks with Juliette whenever she called and he was free to answer.

　　Between it all, the books. Books of history out of order, of billions of people, of even more stars.

　　Stories of violence, of the madness of crowds, of the staggering timeline of life, of orbited suns thatwould one day burn out, of weapons that could end it all, of diseases that nearly had.

　　How long could he go on like this? Reading and sleeping and eating? The weeks already felt likemonths. There was no keeping track of the days, no way to remember how long he’d worn this pairof overalls¹³, if it was time to change out of them and into the pair in the dryer¹⁴. Sometimes he felt likehe changed and washed his clothes three times a day. It could easily have been twice a week. Itsmelled like longer.

　　He leaned his head back against the tins of books and closed his eyes. The things he was readingcouldn’t all be true. It made no sense, a world so crowded and strange. When he considered the scaleof it all, the idea of this life burrowed¹⁵ beneath the earth, sending people to clean, getting worked upover who stole what from whom—he sometimes felt a sort of mental vertigo¹⁶, this frightening terrorof standing¹⁷ over some abyss, seeing a dark truth far below, but unable to make it out before hissenses returned and reality snatched him back from the edge.

　　He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting like that, dreaming of a different time and place, beforehe realized the throbbing¹⁸ red lights had returned.

　　Lukas slid the book back in its tin and struggled to his feet. The computer screen showed PeterBillings at the server-room door, as deep as he was allowed into the room. A tray with Lukas’s dinnersat on top of the work-log filing cabinet inside the door.

　　He turned away from the computer, hurried down the corridor, and scrambled¹⁹ up the ladder. Afterremoving the grate, he carefully dropped it back into place and picked a circuitous²⁰ path through thetall humming servers.

　　“Ah, here’s our little protégé.” Peter smiled, but his eyes narrowed at the sight of Lukas.

　　Lukas dipped his chin. “Sheriff,” he said. He always had this sense that Peter was silentlymocking him, looking down on him, even though they were about the same age. Whenever Petershowed up with Bernard, especially the day Bernard had explained the need to keep Lukas safe, therehad seemed some sort of competitive tension between the two more junior men—a tension Lukaswas aware of, even if he didn’t share it. In private, Bernard had committed Lukas to secrecy²¹ and toldhim that he was grooming²² Peter for the eventual²³ job of mayor, that he and Lukas would one day workhand in hand. Lukas tried to remember this as he slid the tray off the cabinet. Peter watched him, hisbrow lowered in thought.

　　Lukas turned to go.

　　“Why don’t you sit and eat here?” Peter asked, not budging²⁴ from where he leaned against thethick server-room door.

　　Lukas froze.

　　“I see you sitting here with Bernard while you eat, but you’re always in a hurry to scurry²⁵ off whenI come by.” Peter leaned out and peered into the stacks of servers. “What is it you do in here all day,anyway?”

　　Lukas felt trapped. In truth, he wasn’t even all that hungry, had thought about saving it for later,but eating his food to completion was usually the fastest way out of these conversations. He shruggedand sat down on the floor, leaned against the work-log cabinet, and stretched his legs out in front ofhim. Uncovering the tray revealed a bowl of unidentifiable soup, two slices of tomato, and a piece ofcorn bread.

　　“I work on the servers mostly, just like before.” He started with a bite of the bread, somethingbland. “Only difference is I don’t have to walk home at the end of the day.” He smiled at Peter whilehe chewed the dry bread.

　　“That’s right, you live down in the mids, don’t you?” Peter crossed his arms and seemed to geteven more comfortable against the thick door. Lukas leaned to the side and gazed past him and downthe hallway. Voices could be heard around the corner. He had a sudden impulse to get up and run,just for the sake of running.

　　“Barely,” he answered. “My apartment’s practically in the up top.”

　　“All the mids are,” Peter laughed, “to those who live there.”

　　Lukas worked on the corn bread to keep his mouth occupied. He eyed the soup warily²⁷ while hechewed.

　　“Did Bernard tell you about the big assault we’ve got planned? I was thinking of going down totake part.”

　　Lukas shook his head. He dipped his spoon into the soup.

　　“You know that wall Mechanical built, how those idiots boxed themselves in? Well, Sims and hisboys are gonna blast it to smithereens. They’ve had all the time in the world to work on it from ourside, so this little rebellion nonsense should be over in a few days, max.”

　　While he slurped²⁸ the hot soup, all Lukas could think about was the men and women ofMechanical trapped behind that wall of steel, and how he knew precisely²⁹ what they were goingthrough.

　　“Does that mean I’ll be out of here soon?” He pressed the edge of his spoon into an under-ripetomato rather than use the knife and fork. “There can’t be any threat out there for me, can there?

　　Nobody even knows who I am.”

　　“That’s up to Bernard. He’s been acting³⁰ strange lately. A lot of stress, I suppose.” Peter slid downthe door and rested on his heels. It was nice for Lukas not to have to crane his neck to look up at him.

　　“He did say something about bringing your mother up for a visit. I took that to mean you might be inhere at least a week longer.”

　　“Great.” Lukas pushed his food around some more. When the distant server started buzzing, hisbody practically jerked as if tugged³¹ by some string. The overhead lights winked³² faintly, meaningfulto those in the know.

　　“What’s that?” Peter peered into the server room, rising on his toes a little.

　　“That means I need to get back to work.” Lukas handed him the tray. “Thanks for bringing this.”

　　He turned to go.

　　“Hey, the mayor said to make sure you ate everything—”

　　Lukas waved over his shoulder. He disappeared around the first tall server and began to jogtoward the back of the room, wiping his mouth with his hand, knowing Peter couldn’t follow.

　　“Lukas—!”

　　But he was gone. He hurried toward the far wall, digging his keys out of his collar as he went.

　　While he worked on the locks, he saw the overhead lights stop their flashing. Peter had closed thedoor. He removed the back panel and dug the headphones out of their pouch³³, plugged them in.

　　“Hello?” He adjusted his microphone, made sure it wasn’t too close.

　　“Hey.” Her voice filled him up in a way mere³⁴ food couldn’t. “Did I make you run?”

　　Lukas took a deep breath. He was getting out of shape living in such confinement³⁵, not walking toand from work every day. “No,” he lied. “But maybe you should go easy with the calling. At leastduring the day. You-know-who is in here all the time. Yesterday, when you let it ring so long, wewere sitting right beside the server while it buzzed and buzzed. It really pissed him off.”

　　“You think I care if he gets angry?” Juliette laughed. “And I want him to answer. I’d love to talkto him some more. Besides, what would you suggest? I want to talk to you, I need to talk to someone.

　　And you’re always right there. It’s not like you can call me and expect me to be here waiting. Hell,I’m all over the damn place over here. You know how many times I’ve been from the thirties toSupply in the last week? Guess.”

　　“I don’t want to guess.” Lukas rubbed his eyelids³⁶.

　　“Probably a half dozen times. And you know, if he’s in there all the time, you could just do me afavor and kill him for me. Save me all this trouble—”

　　“Kill him?” Lukas waved his arm. “What, just bludgeon him to death?”

　　“Do you really want some pointers? Because I’ve dreamed up a number of—”

　　“No, I don’t want pointers. And I don’t want to kill anybody! I never did—”

　　Lukas dug his index finger into his temple and rubbed in tiny forceful circles. These headacheswere forever popping up. They had been ever since—“Forget it,” Juliette said, the disgust in her voice zipping through the wires at the speed of light.

　　“Look—” Lukas readjusted his mic. He hated these conversations. He preferred it when they justtalked about nothing. “I’m sorry, it’s just that … things are crazy over here. I don’t know who’sdoing what. I’m in this box with all this information, I’ve got this radio that just blares out peoplefighting all the time, and yet I seem to know ratshit compared to everyone else.”

　　“But you know you can trust me, right? That I’m one of the good guys? I didn’t do anythingwrong to be sent away, Lukas. I need you to know that.”

　　He listened as Juliette took in a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. He imagined her sitting overthere, alone in that silo with a crazy man, the mic pressed close to her lips, her chest heaving withexasperation, her mind full of all these expectations of him.

　　“Lukas, you do know that I’m on the right side here, don’t you? And that you’re working for aninsane man?”

　　“Everything’s crazy,” he said. “Everyone is. I do know this: we were sitting here in IT, hopingnothing bad would happen, and the worst things we could think of came to us.”

　　Juliette released another deep breath, and Lukas thought about what he had told her of theuprising, the things he had omitted.

　　“I know what you say my people did, but do you understand why they came? Do you? Somethingneeded to be done, Luke. It still needs doing.”

　　Lukas shrugged²⁶, forgetting she couldn’t see him. As often as they chatted, he still wasn’t used toconversing with someone like this.

　　“You’re in a position to help,” she told him.

　　“I didn’t ask to be here.” He felt himself growing frustrated³⁷. Why did their conversations have todrift off to bad places? Why couldn’t they go back to talking about the best meals they’d ever had,their favorite books as kids, the likes and annoyances³⁸ they had in common?

　　“None of us asked to be where we are,” she reminded him coolly.

　　This gave Lukas pause, thinking of where she was, what she’d been through to get there.

　　“What we control,” Juliette said, “is our actions once fate puts us there.”

　　“I probably need to get off.” Lukas took a shallow breath. He didn’t want to think of actions andfate. He didn’t want to have this conversation. “Pete’ll be bringing me my dinner soon,” he lied.

　　There was silence. He could hear her breathing. It was almost like listening to someone think.

　　“Okay,” she said. “I understand. I need to go test this suit anyway. And hey, I might be goneawhile if this thing works. So if you don’t hear from me for a day or so …”

　　“Just be careful,” Lukas said.

　　“I will. And remember what I said, Luke. What we do going forward defines who we are. Youaren’t one of them. You don’t belong there. Please don’t forget this.”

　　Lukas mumbled³⁹ his agreement, and Juliette said good-bye, her voice still in his ears as he reachedin and unplugged the jack⁴⁰.

　　Rather than slot the headphones into their pouch, he slumped⁴¹ back against the server behind him,wringing the ear pads in his hands, thinking about what he had done, about who he was.

　　He felt like curling up into a ball and crying, just closing his eyes and making the world go away.

　　But he knew if he closed them, if he allowed himself to sink into darkness, all he would see there washer. That small woman with the white hair, her body jumping from the impacts of the bullets, Lukas’sbullets. He would feel his finger on the trigger, his cheeks wet with salt, the stench of spent powder,the table ringing with the clink of empty brass⁴², and the jubilant and victorious⁴³ cries of the men andwomen he had aligned⁴⁴ himself with.

 

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