The Suicide

    "Curse thee， Life， I will live with thee no more！

    Thou hast mocked me， starved me， beat my body sore！

    And all for a pledge that was not pledged by me，

    I have kissed thy crust and eaten sparingly

    That I might eat again， and met thy sneers²

    With deprecations， and thy blows with tears，——

    Aye， from thy glutted³ lash⁴， glad， crawled away，

    As if spent passion were a holiday！

    And now I go. Nor threat， nor easy vow⁵

    Of tardy⁶ kindness can avail thee now

    With me， whence fear and faith alike are flown；

    Lonely I came， and I depart alone，

    And know not where nor unto whom I go；

    But that thou canst not follow me I know."

    Thus I to Life， and ceased； but through my brain

    My thought ran still， until I spake again：

    "Ah， but I go not as I came，——no trace

    Is mine to bear away of that old grace

    I brought！ I have been heated in thy fires，

    Bent⁷ by thy hands， fashioned to thy desires，

    Thy mark is on me！ I am not the same

    Nor ever more shall be， as when I came.

    Ashes am I of all that once I seemed.

    In me all's sunk that leapt， and all that dreamed

    Is wakeful for alarm，——oh， shame to thee，

    For the ill change that thou hast wrought⁸ in me，

    Who laugh no more nor lift my throat to sing

    Ah， Life， I would have been a pleasant thing

    To have about the house when I was grown

    If thou hadst left my little joys alone！

    I asked of thee no favor save this one：

    That thou wouldst leave me playing in the sun！

    And this thou didst deny， calling my name

    Insistently⁹， until I rose and came.

    I saw the sun no more.——It were not well

    So long on these unpleasant thoughts to dwell，

    Need I arise to-morrow and renew

    Again my hated tasks， but I am through

    With all things save my thoughts and this one night，

    So that in truth I seem already quite

    Free，and remote from thee，——I feel no haste

    And no reluctance¹⁰ to depart； I taste

    Merely， with thoughtful mien¹¹， an unknown draught¹²，

    That in a little while I shall have quaffed¹³."

    Thus I to Life， and ceased， and slightly smiled，

    Looking at nothing； and my thin dreams filed

    Before me one by one till once again

    I set new words unto an old refrain：

    "Treasures thou hast that never have been mine！

    Warm lights in many a secret chamber¹⁴ shine

    Of thy gaunt house， and gusts¹⁵ of song have blown

    Like blossoms out to me that sat alone！

    And I have waited well for thee to show

    If any share were mine，——and now I go

    Nothing I leave， and if I naught¹⁶ attain¹⁷

    I shall but come into mine own again！"

    Thus I to Life， and ceased， and spake no more，

    But turning， straightway， sought a certain door

    In the rear wall. Heavy it was， and low

    And dark，——a way by which none e'er would go

    That other exit had， and never knock

    Was heard thereat，——bearing a curious lock

    Some chance had shown me fashioned faultily，

    Whereof Life held content the useless key，

    And great coarse hinges， thick and rough with rust¹，

    Whose sudden voice across a silence must，

    I knew， be harsh and horrible to hear，——

    A strange door， ugly like a dwarf¹⁸.——So near

    I came I felt upon my feet the chill

    Of acid wind creeping across the sill.

    So stood longtime， till over me at last

    Came weariness， and all things other passed

    To make it room； the still night drifted deep

    Like snow about me， and I longed for sleep.

    But， suddenly， marking the morning hour，

    Bayed the deep-throated bell within the tower！

    Startled， I raised my head，——and with a shout

    Laid hold upon the latch，——and was without.

    Ah， long-forgotten， well-remembered road，

    Leading me back unto my old abode¹⁹，

    My father's house！ There in the night I came，

    And found them feasting， and all things the same

    As they had been before. A splendour hung

    Upon the walls， and such sweet songs were sung

    As， echoing out of very long ago，

    Had called me from the house of Life， I know.

    So fair their raiment shone I looked in shame

    On the unlovely garb²⁰ in which I came；

    Then straightway at my hesitancy mocked：

    "It is my father's house！" I said and knocked；

    And the door opened. To the shining crowd

    Tattered²¹ and dark I entered， like a cloud，

    Seeing no face but his； to him I crept，

    And "Father！" I cried， and clasped his knees， and wept.

    Ah， days of joy that followed！ All alone

    I wandered through the house. My own， my own，

    My own to touch， my own to taste and smell，

    All I had lacked so long and loved so well！

    None shook me out of sleep， nor hushed my song，

    Nor called me in from the sunlight all day long.

    I know not when the wonder came to me

    Of what my father's business might be，

    And whither fared and on what errands bent

    The tall and gracious messengers he sent.

    Yet one day with no song from dawn till night

    Wondering， I sat， and watched them out of sight.

    And the next day I called； and on the third

    Asked them if I might go，——but no one heard.

    Then， sick with longing²²， I arose at last

    And went unto my father，——in that vast

    Chamber wherein he for so many years

    Has sat， surrounded by his charts and spheres.

    "Father，" I said， "Father， I cannot play

    The harp²³ that thou didst give me， and all day

    I sit in idleness， while to and fro

    About me thy serene²⁴， grave servants go；

    And I am weary of my lonely ease.

    Better a perilous²⁵ journey overseas

    Away from thee， than this， the life I lead，

    To sit all day in the sunshine like a weed

    That grows to naught，——I love thee more than they

    Who serve thee most； yet serve thee in no way.

    Father， I beg of thee a little task

    To dignify²⁶ my days，——'tis all I ask

    Forever， but forever， this denied，

    I perish."

    "Child，" my father's voice replied，

    "All things thy fancy hath desired of me

    Thou hast received. I have prepared for thee

    Within my house a spacious²⁷ chamber， where

    Are delicate things to handle and to wear，

    And all these things are thine. Dost thou love song？

    My minstrels shall attend thee all day long.

    Or sigh for flowers？ My fairest gardens stand

    Open as fields to thee on every hand.

    And all thy days this word shall hold the same：

    No pleasure shalt thou lack that thou shalt name.

    But as for tasks——" he smiled， and shook his head；

    "Thou hadst thy task， and laidst it by，" he said.