Joke: Contraceptive 98

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating
every aspect of American life with the introduction of
Contraceptive 98, a suite¹ of applications designed for users who
engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and
plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it
substantial leverage² in penetrating³ the copulation enhancement
market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse⁴ Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the
package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector⁵. Contraceptive98
Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the
housewife and gigolo niches⁶.

While Contraceptive 98 does not address non-traditional
copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for
minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product
installs and is sufficiently⁷ scaleable to meet most requirements.
After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the
user must have sufficient RAM⁸ to complete the session. When the
session is complete, a disconnect is initiated⁹, and the user gets
the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major
concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the
most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs,
but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be
installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive 98 is a robust¹⁰ product. Despite its drawbacks, it
is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far
superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of
the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as
Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard
Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive 98s
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will
help users do to each other what we've been doing to our
customers for years."