I Am Glad I Am A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag¹ to my buddies² about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt³
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut⁴
I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch⁵
I don't belch⁶ in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee⁷ to cover my dome⁸
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat⁹ when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!