Estimated Tax

Enclosed is your United States Internal Revenue service Tax Form 1040-ES OCR "Estimated Tax For Self-Employed Individuals." You may use this form to estimate your previous year's tax if:

1. You are the head of a household and the sum of your spouse² and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule 12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary³ Schedule 142C if pets are deceased but buried on your property)

2. Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable) and you did not pay taxable interest on dividend⁵ income prior to 1903.

3. You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a "foreign" tax credit. (Warning: claiming for a foreign tax credit for a foreign "tax" credit, except where a foreign"tax credit" is involved, may result in a fine of $125,000 and 25 years imprisonment)

4. You are not one of the following: married and filing jointly⁶; married and not filing jointly; not married and not filing jointly; jointed⁷ but not filing; other.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Type out all answers in ink with a number two lead pencil. Do not cross anything out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not misspell "miscellaneous".

Write your name, address and social security number, and the name, address and social security number of your spouse and dependents, in full on each page twice.

Do not check a box designated for an "X" or put an "X" in a box designated for a check mark unless it is your wish to do the whole thing again. Do not write "Search Me" in any blank spaces. Do not make anything up.

Complete sections 47 to 52 first then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order.

Do not use this form if your total pensions and annuities⁸ disbursements were greater than your advanced earned income credits or vice¹ versa.

Under "income", list all wages, salaries, net foreign source taxable income, royalties⁹, tips, gratuities¹⁰, taxable interest, capital gains, air miles, pints¹¹ paid on and money found down the back of the sofa.

If your earnings¹² are derived¹³ wholly, or partially¹⁴ but not primarily, or wholly and partially but not primarily from countries other than the United States.

(If uncertain, see USIA Leaflet 212W, "Countries That Are Not The United States") or your rotated gross income from Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on non-taxable net disbursements, you must include a Grantor/Transferor Waiver Voucher¹⁵.

Failure to do so may result in a fine of $1,500,000 and seizure¹⁶ of a child.

Under Section 890f, list total farm income (if none give details). If you were born after January 1, 1897, and are not a widow(er), include excess casualty losses and provide carry over figures for depreciation¹⁷ on line 27iii.

You must list number of turkeys slaughtered¹⁸ for export. Subtract, but do not deduct¹⁹, net gross dividends²⁰ from pro⁴ rata interest payments, multiply by the total number of steps in your home and enter on line 356d.

On Schedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Include all electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D but do not include any electrical or non-electrical items not listed on Supplementary Form 243d.

Under "Personal Expenditures²¹", itemize all cash expenditures of more than one dollar and include verification.

If you have had dental work and you are not claiming a refund²² on the federal oil spill allowance, enter your shoe sizes since birth and enclose specimen²³ shoes (Right foot only) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide line 3f by 3d.

Under Section 912g, enter federal income support grants for the production of alfalfa, barley²⁴ (but not sorghum²⁵, unless for home consumption) and okra whether or not you received any. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $3,750,000 and death by lethal²⁶ injection.

If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living at home but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly ever there and you are not claiming exemption²⁷ for losses of maritime²⁸ vessels³⁰ in excess of 12,000 tons deadweight (15,000 tons if you are military personnel based in Canada)

You must complete and include a Maritime Vessel²⁹ Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $111,000,000 and a nuclear attack on a small, neutral country.

On Pages 924 through 926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you know personally who are Communist or use drugs (Use extra pages if necessary).

If you have interest earnings from savings³¹ accounts, securities, bearer bonds, certificates of deposit or other fiduciary³² instruments, but do not know your hat size, complete Supplementary Schedules 112d and 112f and enclose with all relevant tables.

(Do not send chairs at this time.) Include, but do not collate³³, ongoing³⁴ losses from mining investments, commodities transactions and organ transplants, divide by the number of motel visits you made in 1993 - 1997, and enter in any remaining spaces. If you have unreimbursed employee expenses, tough.

To compute³⁵ your estimated tax, add lines 27 through 964, deduct lines 45a and 699f from Schedule 2F (if greater or less than 2.2% of average alternative estimated tax for the last five years), multiply by the number of RPMs your car registers when stuck on ice, and add 2. If line 997 is smaller than line 998, start again. In the space marked "Tax Due", write a very large figure.

Make your check payable³⁶ to "Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America And To The Republic For Which It Stands, One Nation, Under God With Liberty And Justice For All" and mark for the attention of Connie.

On the back of your check write your social security number, Taxpayer³⁷ Identification Number, IRS Tax Code Audit³⁸ Number(s), IRS Regional Office Sub-Unit Zone Number (unless you are filing a t/45 Sub-Unit Zone Exclusion³⁹ Notice) and smoking preference, and send to:

Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America
Tax Reception And Orientation⁴⁰ Center
Building D
Annex G78
Suite 900
Subduction Zone 12
Box 132677-02
Drawer 2, About Halfway⁴¹ Back
Federal City
Maryland 10001

If you have any questions about filing, or require assistance with your return, phone 1-800-BUSY-SIGNAL. Thank you and have a prosperous year. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $125,000 and a long walk to the cooler.