I Bought a Pet Tomato

I bought a pet tomato
and I tried to teach him tricks,
but he wasn't any good at
catching1 balls or fetching sticks.
He could never catch a Frisbee2,
and he wouldn't sit or speak,
though we practiced every afternoon
and evening for a week.
He refused to shake or wave or crawl3
or beg or take a bow,
and I tried, but couldn't make him bark
or get him to meow.
He was terrible at playing dead.
He couldn't jump a rope.
When he wouldn't do a single trick
I simply gave up hope.
Though I liked my pet tomato,
I returned him with regret.
Boy, I sure do hope this watermelon
makes a better pet.