Of Human Bondage 人性的枷锁 Chapter 13
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Two years passed, and Philip was nearly twelve. He was in the first form, within two or three places of the top, and after Christmas when several boys would be leaving for the senior school he would be head boy. He had already quite a collection of prizes, worthless books on bad paper, but in gorgeous bindings decorated with the arms of the school: his position had freed him from bullying1, and he was not unhappy. His fellows forgave him his success because of his deformity.
 
'After all, it's jolly easy for him to get prizes,' they said, 'there's nothing he CAN do but swat.'
 
He had lost his early terror of Mr. Watson. He had grown used to the loud voice, and when the headmaster's heavy hand was laid on his shoulder Philip discerned vaguely2 the intention of a caress3. He had the good memory which is more useful for scholastic4 achievements than mental power, and he knew Mr. Watson expected him to leave the preparatory school with a scholarship.
 
But he had grown very self-conscious. The new-born child does not realise that his body is more a part of himself than surrounding objects, and will play with his toes without any feeling that they belong to him more than the rattle5 by his side; and it is only by degrees, through pain, that he understands the fact of the body. And experiences of the same kind are necessary for the individual to become conscious of himself; but here there is the difference that, although everyone becomes equally conscious of his body as a separate and complete organism, everyone does not become equally conscious of himself as a complete and separate personality. The feeling of apartness from others comes to most with puberty, but it is not always developed to such a degree as to make the difference between the individual and his fellows noticeable to the individual. It is such as he, as little conscious of himself as the bee in a hive, who are the lucky in life, for they have the best chance of happiness: their activities are shared by all, and their pleasures are only pleasures because they are enjoyed in common; you will see them on Whit-Monday dancing on Hampstead Heath, shouting at a football match, or from club windows in Pall6 Mall cheering a royal procession. It is because of them that man has been called a social animal.
 
Philip passed from the innocence7 of childhood to bitter consciousness of himself by the ridicule8 which his club-foot had excited. The circumstances of his case were so peculiar9 that he could not apply to them the ready-made rules which acted well enough in ordinary affairs, and he was forced to think for himself. The many books he had read filled his mind with ideas which, because he only half understood them, gave more scope to his imagination. Beneath his painful shyness something was growing up within him, and obscurely he realised his personality. But at times it gave him odd surprises; he did things, he knew not why, and afterwards when he thought of them found himself all at sea.
 
There was a boy called Luard between whom and Philip a friendship had arisen, and one day, when they were playing together in the school-room, Luard began to perform some trick with an ebony pen-holder of Philip's.
 
'Don't play the giddy ox,' said Philip. 'You'll only break it.'
 
'I shan't.'
 
But no sooner were the words out of the boy's mouth than the pen-holder snapped in two. Luard looked at Philip with dismay.
 
'Oh, I say, I'm awfully10 sorry.'
 
The tears rolled down Philip's cheeks, but he did not answer.
 
'I say, what's the matter?' said Luard, with surprise. 'I'll get you another one exactly the same.'
 
'It's not about the pen-holder I care,' said Philip, in a trembling voice, 'only it was given me by my mater, just before she died.'
 
'I say, I'm awfully sorry, Carey.'
 
'It doesn't matter. It wasn't your fault.'
 
Philip took the two pieces of the pen-holder and looked at them. He tried to restrain his sobs11. He felt utterly12 miserable13. And yet he could not tell why, for he knew quite well that he had bought the pen-holder during his last holidays at Blackstable for one and twopence. He did not know in the least what had made him invent that pathetic story, but he was quite as unhappy as though it had been true. The pious14 atmosphere of the vicarage and the religious tone of the school had made Philip's conscience very sensitive; he absorbed insensibly the feeling about him that the Tempter was ever on the watch to gain his immortal15 soul; and though he was not more truthful16 than most boys he never told a lie without suffering from remorse17. When he thought over this incident he was very much distressed18, and made up his mind that he must go to Luard and tell him that the story was an invention. Though he dreaded19 humiliation20 more than anything in the world, he hugged himself for two or three days at the thought of the agonising joy of humiliating himself to the Glory of God. But he never got any further. He satisfied his conscience by the more comfortable method of expressing his repentance21 only to the Almighty22. But he could not understand why he should have been so genuinely affected23 by the story he was making up. The tears that flowed down his grubby cheeks were real tears. Then by some accident of association there occurred to him that scene when Emma had told him of his mother's death, and, though he could not speak for crying, he had insisted on going in to say good-bye to the Misses Watkin so that they might see his grief and pity him.


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1 bullying f23dd48b95ce083d3774838a76074f5f     
v.恐吓,威逼( bully的现在分词 );豪;跋扈
参考例句:
  • Many cases of bullying go unreported . 很多恐吓案件都没有人告发。
  • All cases of bullying will be severely dealt with. 所有以大欺小的情况都将受到严肃处理。 来自《简明英汉词典》
2 vaguely BfuzOy     
adv.含糊地,暖昧地
参考例句:
  • He had talked vaguely of going to work abroad.他含糊其词地说了到国外工作的事。
  • He looked vaguely before him with unseeing eyes.他迷迷糊糊的望着前面,对一切都视而不见。
3 caress crczs     
vt./n.爱抚,抚摸
参考例句:
  • She gave the child a loving caress.她疼爱地抚摸着孩子。
  • She feasted on the caress of the hot spring.她尽情享受着温泉的抚爱。
4 scholastic 3DLzs     
adj.学校的,学院的,学术上的
参考例句:
  • There was a careful avoidance of the sensitive topic in the scholastic circles.学术界小心地避开那个敏感的话题。
  • This would do harm to students' scholastic performance in the long run.这将对学生未来的学习成绩有害。
5 rattle 5Alzb     
v.飞奔,碰响;激怒;n.碰撞声;拨浪鼓
参考例句:
  • The baby only shook the rattle and laughed and crowed.孩子只是摇着拨浪鼓,笑着叫着。
  • She could hear the rattle of the teacups.她听见茶具叮当响。
6 pall hvwyP     
v.覆盖,使平淡无味;n.柩衣,棺罩;棺材;帷幕
参考例句:
  • Already the allure of meals in restaurants had begun to pall.饭店里的饭菜已经不像以前那样诱人。
  • I find his books begin to pall on me after a while.我发觉他的书读过一阵子就开始对我失去吸引力。
7 innocence ZbizC     
n.无罪;天真;无害
参考例句:
  • There was a touching air of innocence about the boy.这个男孩有一种令人感动的天真神情。
  • The accused man proved his innocence of the crime.被告人经证实无罪。
8 ridicule fCwzv     
v.讥讽,挖苦;n.嘲弄
参考例句:
  • You mustn't ridicule unfortunate people.你不该嘲笑不幸的人。
  • Silly mistakes and queer clothes often arouse ridicule.荒谬的错误和古怪的服装常会引起人们的讪笑。
9 peculiar cinyo     
adj.古怪的,异常的;特殊的,特有的
参考例句:
  • He walks in a peculiar fashion.他走路的样子很奇特。
  • He looked at me with a very peculiar expression.他用一种很奇怪的表情看着我。
10 awfully MPkym     
adv.可怕地,非常地,极端地
参考例句:
  • Agriculture was awfully neglected in the past.过去农业遭到严重忽视。
  • I've been feeling awfully bad about it.对这我一直感到很难受。
11 sobs d4349f86cad43cb1a5579b1ef269d0cb     
啜泣(声),呜咽(声)( sob的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • She was struggling to suppress her sobs. 她拼命不让自己哭出来。
  • She burst into a convulsive sobs. 她突然抽泣起来。
12 utterly ZfpzM1     
adv.完全地,绝对地
参考例句:
  • Utterly devoted to the people,he gave his life in saving his patients.他忠于人民,把毕生精力用于挽救患者的生命。
  • I was utterly ravished by the way she smiled.她的微笑使我完全陶醉了。
13 miserable g18yk     
adj.悲惨的,痛苦的;可怜的,糟糕的
参考例句:
  • It was miserable of you to make fun of him.你取笑他,这是可耻的。
  • Her past life was miserable.她过去的生活很苦。
14 pious KSCzd     
adj.虔诚的;道貌岸然的
参考例句:
  • Alexander is a pious follower of the faith.亚历山大是个虔诚的信徒。
  • Her mother was a pious Christian.她母亲是一个虔诚的基督教徒。
15 immortal 7kOyr     
adj.不朽的;永生的,不死的;神的
参考例句:
  • The wild cocoa tree is effectively immortal.野生可可树实际上是不会死的。
  • The heroes of the people are immortal!人民英雄永垂不朽!
16 truthful OmpwN     
adj.真实的,说实话的,诚实的
参考例句:
  • You can count on him for a truthful report of the accident.你放心,他会对事故作出如实的报告的。
  • I don't think you are being entirely truthful.我认为你并没全讲真话。
17 remorse lBrzo     
n.痛恨,悔恨,自责
参考例句:
  • She had no remorse about what she had said.她对所说的话不后悔。
  • He has shown no remorse for his actions.他对自己的行为没有任何悔恨之意。
18 distressed du1z3y     
痛苦的
参考例句:
  • He was too distressed and confused to answer their questions. 他非常苦恼而困惑,无法回答他们的问题。
  • The news of his death distressed us greatly. 他逝世的消息使我们极为悲痛。
19 dreaded XuNzI3     
adj.令人畏惧的;害怕的v.害怕,恐惧,担心( dread的过去式和过去分词)
参考例句:
  • The dreaded moment had finally arrived. 可怕的时刻终于来到了。
  • He dreaded having to spend Christmas in hospital. 他害怕非得在医院过圣诞节不可。 来自《用法词典》
20 humiliation Jd3zW     
n.羞辱
参考例句:
  • He suffered the humiliation of being forced to ask for his cards.他蒙受了被迫要求辞职的羞辱。
  • He will wish to revenge his humiliation in last Season's Final.他会为在上个季度的决赛中所受的耻辱而报复的。
21 repentance ZCnyS     
n.懊悔
参考例句:
  • He shows no repentance for what he has done.他对他的所作所为一点也不懊悔。
  • Christ is inviting sinners to repentance.基督正在敦请有罪的人悔悟。
22 almighty dzhz1h     
adj.全能的,万能的;很大的,很强的
参考例句:
  • Those rebels did not really challenge Gods almighty power.这些叛徒没有对上帝的全能力量表示怀疑。
  • It's almighty cold outside.外面冷得要命。
23 affected TzUzg0     
adj.不自然的,假装的
参考例句:
  • She showed an affected interest in our subject.她假装对我们的课题感到兴趣。
  • His manners are affected.他的态度不自然。
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