Poison Pals¹

    Are Some Friends Dangerous to Your Health?

   Everyone likes having friends to lean on, but a friendship expert says that pals who tend to criticize us, dump their problems in our laps, or otherwise mess with our emotions might be harmful to our health.

毒性伙伴

    有些朋友危害你的健康？

    每个人都想有朋友可以依赖，但是人际专家表示，那些经常批评我们，把自己的问题推给我们，要不然就是搅乱我们情绪的伙伴，可能会损害我们的健康。   

   Recent scientific studies have shown that people with friends endure less stress, recover from heart attacks faster and live longer than the friendless. Plus, with divorce rates at 50 percent, and the average marriage age edging upwards², lifelong friends are in some cases replacing the ideal of having a lifelong spouse³.

     近年来的科学研究显示有朋友的人承受的压力要小于缺少友情的人，而且能更快地从心脏病中康复，活得更久。另外，随着50%的离婚率和平均婚龄的上升，在一些情况下，夫妻白头偕老的理想已被拥有终身朋友所取代。

   But newer research is also taking a look at the impact of the friends that drain you, the "toxic⁴ friends" that some of us have in our lives. When do you pull the plug on the pals who zing veiled insults, barrage⁵ us with constant demands, or bring whining⁶ to our worlds?

    In her book, When Friendship Hurts, Jan Yager, a sociologist⁷ at the University of Connecticut in Stamford, says that negative, destructive friendships can wreak⁸ havoc⁹ on our lives and can even cause us serious harm.

     但是最新调查还看到了朋友吞噬你的影响，我们的生活中有一些"致命的朋友"。他们隐蔽着侮辱，不断地向我们提要求，或者将抱怨带进我们的世界，你何时能中止和他们来往？

    斯坦福康乃狄克大学社会学家Jan Yager在她的书《当友情伤害你时》中指出，消极、有破坏性的友谊会毁坏我们的生活，甚至使我们遭受更严重的伤害。

 "There are incidents of friends actually causing their friends' deaths, from forcing friends in fraternity settings to drink and die, to a current lawsuit¹⁰, where two friends went to a concert, and got high on drugs," Yager said. One of the friends died, and the father of the other is suing.

   The most famous example of a toxic friendship is that of the two Columbine High School students, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, whose friendship helped lead to a horrific massacre¹¹ that left 12 students and a teacher dead on April 20, 1999. Similarly, gangs are friendships with negative motives¹², Yager said.

     "常有朋友造成朋友死亡的事件发生，像借手足之情强迫朋友酗酒死亡。像最近一起诉讼案，有一对朋友去音乐会，吸毒过量，"Yager说。一个朋友死了，另一个的父亲在诉讼。

    致命友谊最著名的例子是两名哥伦比亚中学的学生，Eric Harris和Dylan Klebold，他们的友情导致了1999年4月20日的恐怖屠杀，12名学生和一位老师因此失去了生命。类似的，一帮歹徒的友谊也带有消极动机，Yager说。 

 Friends Who Hurt Us Emotionally

    But there are also friends who can be bad for us in emotion, and sometimes subtler ways with sly insults, and competitive one-upmanship.

    "The negative impact can be as devastating¹³ as poor self-esteem, stress, or career sabotage¹⁴ and the scary part is sometimes negative friends have influence over friends who aren't even aware of it," Yager said.

 伤害我们感情的朋友

    但是也有一些朋友会在感情上伤害我们，有时用隐蔽狡诈的侮辱方式，有时则是抢先一步的竞争。

    "消极影响会造成的后果不亚于自卑、紧张、职业破坏，可怕的是，有时消极朋友会影响意识不到这些的朋友。"Yager说。 

 She says there are some 21 types of potentially negative friends.

    Among the villains¹⁵: the faultfinder, the one-upper, the abusive friend, the double-crosser, and the person who engages in petty or criminal behavior.

    One woman had gotten drunk at a business party, and drove her friends home. No one was hurt, but her co-workers ostracized¹⁶ her afterward¹⁷. The woman was willing to admit to her colleagues that what she did was wrong, which smoothed things over.

     她说大约有21种潜在的消极朋友。

    反派角色当中有：吹毛求疵者，好占便宜的，说坏话的，出卖朋友的，从事犯过或犯罪行为的人。

    一名妇女在一个商业宴会上喝醉酒之后开车送朋友们回家。没有人受伤，但从此之后同事们都排斥她。她主动向他们承认错误，才使事情得以化解。

    Other varieties of negative friends include liars¹⁸, overly dependent friends, and those who do not listen.

    Dara Tyson and Michele Comen, both 41, have been best friends since high school, and grew up around the block from each other in Brooklyn, N.Y. Now, they are both married with children, and live about 20 minutes apart.

    They have been through marriage, kids and divorce with each other and communicate in that shorthand that longtime friends have. But they have also had a whole lot of ups and downs, and sometimes wonder if their friendship is worth it. Comen says Tyson can be flip¹⁹ and dismissive, and that she pigeonholes²⁰ people, sizing up situations too quickly.

    消极朋友的类型还有说谎的人，过度依赖他人的人和那些不听劝的人。

    Dara Tyson和Michele Comen都是41岁，从高中开始就是最要好的朋友，他们在纽约Brooklyn一起长大。现在，他们都结婚生子，两家相距仅有20分钟。

      他们都经历了结婚，生子，离婚的过程，作为老朋友也经常在一起沟通。但是他们也经常起起浮浮，有时也怀疑友情的价值。Comen说Tyson轻浮，自傲，喜欢把朋友分类，常见风使舵。

It irritates Comen, who is more analytical²¹ and likes to explain how she forms an opinion. Tyson, meanwhile, says that Comen is not empathetic at times, and that sometimes one or the other just doesn't "get it" when they're communicating.

    They sometimes think it would be easier to cut loose the friendship, but they have such deep ties, that it is difficult to do so.

    这激怒了Comen，她更喜欢分析并说明理由的来源。同时，Tyson觉得Comen时常精神不集中，有时两人交流时，总有一个人不理解。

    有时他们也认为终止友谊会更轻松，但是他们绑系得太紧，要那样做很难。

 When to Cut Bait

    Yager says there are times to abandon a friendship, and times to stick it out. It's time to cut bait when the time spent with a friend is not rewarding.

   "It's when you have an interaction, it can be e-mail, a phone call, or a get-together²², and you don't feel a sense of feeling good about the friend," Yager said. "Since friendships are voluntary, it has to be someone to add to your life."

    Though it is hard for both genders²³ to end a friendship, women are more likely to feel like they need to discuss and understand it, while men are more likely to just walk away, and let it ride. In business, the male method of blowing off a friendship works more smoothly²⁴, and women are now realizing that what works at home, doesn't necessarily help them advance in the office, Yager said.

 断交的时刻

    Yager说一份友谊有时要放弃，有时也要坚持，当已不值得和朋友在一起时，就到了断交的时刻。

    "那是在朋友之间交流时，比如电子邮件，打电话，或是一次相聚，你对朋友不再觉得有留恋的感觉，"Yager说，"由于友谊是自愿的，就意味着他必须是一个能进入你生活的人。"

    男女都觉得友谊很难结束，但是女性更想讨论和理解它，而男性则轻易放弃，抱着随它去的态度。在工作中，男性放弃一份友谊采取更平和的方法，女性则正在意识到家庭关系和睦不一定能让他们在办公室得到提升，Yager说。   

  When you decide to end a friendship, she suggests doing so in a gradual way. 

    "The best thing is to wind it down, rather than stopping cold turkey, because in process of winding²⁵ down or pulling away, most friends will get the hint," Yager said. "In getting the hint, the person is now increasing his or her friendships with other people, so the sense of loss is minimized."

    If the person senses that you are pulling away and asks what is happening, you should not fault them, but blame it on the interaction.

    她建议当你决定结束一份友谊时，要采取循序渐进的方式。

    "最好的方法是逐渐中止，而不要直截了当，因为在逐渐中止或慢慢挣脱的过程中，大部分的朋友会得到暗示，"Yager说。"在暗示的过程中，要中止友谊的一方渐渐增进了与其他人的友谊，这样，失落的感觉会减至最小。"

    如果对方感觉到你在挣脱并询问怎么回事时，不要责怪他们本人，而应把责任归于交流有问题。   

  "Say it's not you, it's not me, it's you and me together that is not the best interaction right now," Yager said. That leaves room for resuming the friendship later on.

    Yager suggests that when possible, friendships that only sometimes verge²⁶ on toxic should be repaired.

    "It takes two people to start a friendship, but only one to end it," Yager said. "Because friendship is so precious and pivotal, it's important it only be ended with good reason, and the feeling that you tried to fix it."

    "要说不是因为你，也不是我的原因，而是我们在一起目前不能给对方最好的影响，"Yager说。这样为以后恢复友谊留了条后路。

    Yager建议如果可能，有时友谊接近破裂时，是可以修复的。

    "一份友谊的开始依靠两个人，但结束它只要一个，"Yager说。"因为友谊是这样宝贵和重要，也正因为如此，结束它也只能用好的理由，而感觉上却是你要修复它。"

   When you decide to end a friendship, she suggests doing so in a gradual way. 

    "The best thing is to wind it down, rather than stopping cold turkey, because in process of winding down or pulling away, most friends will get the hint," Yager said. "In getting the hint, the person is now increasing his or her friendships with other people, so the sense of loss is minimized."

    If the person senses that you are pulling away and asks what is happening, you should not fault them, but blame it on the interaction.

    她建议当你决定结束一份友谊时，要采取循序渐进的方式。

    "最好的方法是逐渐中止，而不要直截了当，因为在逐渐中止或慢慢挣脱的过程中，大部分的朋友会得到暗示，"Yager说。"在暗示的过程中，要中止友谊的一方渐渐增进了与其他人的友谊，这样，失落的感觉会减至最小。"

    如果对方感觉到你在挣脱并询问怎么回事时，不要责怪他们本人，而应把责任归于交流有问题。

 "Say it's not you, it's not me, it's you and me together that is not the best interaction right now," Yager said. That leaves room for resuming the friendship later on.

    Yager suggests that when possible, friendships that only sometimes verge on toxic should be repaired.

    "It takes two people to start a friendship, but only one to end it," Yager said. "Because friendship is so precious and pivotal, it's important it only be ended with good reason, and the feeling that you tried to fix it."

     "要说不是因为你，也不是我的原因，而是我们在一起目前不能给对方最好的影响，"Yager说。这样为以后恢复友谊留了条后路。

    Yager建议如果可能，有时友谊接近破裂时，是可以修复的。

    "一份友谊的开始依靠两个人，但结束它只要一个，"Yager说。"因为友谊是这样宝贵和重要，也正因为如此，结束它也只能用好的理由，而感觉上却是你要修复它。"

 How to Make Friendship Work

    Sept. 25 - If you want to stick it out and make a toxic friendship work, Jan Yager, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut in Stamford, offers these five steps to help you figure out how to salvage²⁷ a friendship.

    1. Do I want to invest the time/energy to turn it around? You may not want to, but have to, because you work together, or it's a friend of your spouse, you work in the same community, church, etc.

    2. Will the friend want to work through the conflict? You will need to assess whether your friend will want to work through the conflict.

    怎样维持友谊

    9月25日--如果你希望友谊长久，使致命友谊继续维持，斯坦福康乃狄克大学社会学家Jan Yager提供了五种步骤帮助你挽救它。

     1. 我要花时间或精力去改变它吗？你可能不想，但必须做，因为你们在一起工作，或者他/她是你爱人的朋友，你们工作在一个社区里，或教堂等等。

    2. 朋友想消除不合吗？你需要估计你的朋友是否想消除不合。 

    3. Will you discuss the friendship with a friend things ride for a while? Sometimes a cooling-off time can have a better long-term effect than doing something in heat of the moment, because people feel they have to do something. But if you write an angry e-mail, don't hit send. If you directly confront a friend who may not be ready to hear something, the friendship may be prematurely²⁸ catapulted to an end over something that may not seem like a big deal in hindsight.   

    3. 你想和朋友谈谈心？有时，冷静一段时间要比在头脑发热的时间谈有更好的长期效果，因为人们觉得他们那时必须做某事。但是如果你写了一封言语唐突的电子邮件，不要忙着寄出去。如果你面对的朋友对这些毫无准备，友谊可能会过早地结束，即使事后想想并不是什么大事。

  4. Try conflict resolution techniques.

    A. Try to understand the words that caused the conflict.

    B. Listen carefully to one another (i.e. You thought you were supposed to meet at 3 p.m., but the person didn't show up, but they really said 2:30 p.m.)

    C. Agree to disagree. One of the reasons you're friends is that you aren't exactly the same.

    D. Validate²⁹ the relationship. Let them know you want to stay friends.

    E. If appropriate, say 'I'm sorry.'

    5. If you save the friendship, don't dwell on the resolved rift³⁰.

4. 努力掌握矛盾解决技术

    A. 试图理解引起矛盾的话

    B. 听清楚对方的话（比如你以为在下午3:00见面，但人没有到，他们事实上说的是下午2:30）

    C. 求同存异。你们成为朋友的一个原因是你们不完全相同。

    D. 确认关系。让对方知道你想保持友谊。

    E. 如果合适，请说"对不起"。

    5. 如果友谊被挽救，不要细想被修复的裂痕。