Saying the Right Thing

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after
3 A.M., drunk¹ and delirious². Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway³, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled⁴ into the door."

Confused⁵, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you aid, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!".