Joke: Lawyer One Liners
时间：2007-03-02 02:38:05
（单词翻译:单击）
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially1 the same service.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired2.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous3 person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer4.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A fucking know-it-all.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities5.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$%.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal6 urge is to cluck defiance7.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked8 a plane full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve9 to avoid hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur10, two to research precedents11, one to dictate12 a letter, one to stipulate13, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose14, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.
Answer #3: How many can you afford?
Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"
Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.
Answer #2: No? Good!
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially1 the same service.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired2.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous3 person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer4.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A fucking know-it-all.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities5.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$%.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal6 urge is to cluck defiance7.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked8 a plane full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve9 to avoid hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur10, two to research precedents11, one to dictate12 a letter, one to stipulate13, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose14, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.
Answer #3: How many can you afford?
Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"
Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.
Answer #2: No? Good!
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1
essentially
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| adv.本质上，实质上，基本上 | |
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retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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caterer
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| n. 备办食物者，备办宴席者 | |
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personalities
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| n. 诽谤，（对某人容貌、性格等所进行的）人身攻击； 人身攻击；人格, 个性, 名人( personality的名词复数 ) | |
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primal
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| adj.原始的；最重要的 | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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hijacked
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| 劫持( hijack的过去式和过去分词 )； 绑架； 拦路抢劫； 操纵（会议等，以推销自己的意图） | |
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swerve
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| v.突然转向，背离；n．转向，弯曲，背离 | |
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10
demur
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| v．表示异议，反对 | |
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11
precedents
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| 引用单元； 范例( precedent的名词复数 )； 先前出现的事例； 前例； 先例 | |
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12
dictate
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| v.口授；(使)听写；指令，指示，命令 | |
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stipulate
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| vt.规定，（作为条件）讲定，保证 | |
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depose
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| vt.免职；宣誓作证 | |
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