I Want a wife

By Judy Syfers from Ms. Magazine, Spring 1971

I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am a Wife. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.

Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?

I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and if need be, support those dependent upon me, I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling¹, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, because, of cause, I cannot miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.

I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change of scene.

I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling² complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who type my papers for me when I have written them.

I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will take care of the babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray³, that they are offered a second helping⁴ of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished⁵ when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.

I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love passionately⁶ and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter⁷ up my intellectual life with jealousies⁸. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail⁹ more than strict adherence¹⁰ to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully¹¹ as possible.

If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I already have, I have the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take the children and be solely¹² responsible for them so that I am left free.

When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife's duties.

My God, who wouldn't want a wife?

我想要个妻

（美）朱迪•塞福

我已为人妻，又作了人母，应该称作妇人了。

前不久有一位男友造访，他刚离异，一个孩子自然跟了前妻。目前他正在寻找新妻。有天晚上烫衣服时，想着这位仁兄的近况，我突发奇想，也想找个妻子。为什么要找妻子呢？我为什么希望有个老婆呢？

我想重返校园，学成后经济独立，养家糊口，自食其力。我想要个妻。她工作，我镀金。我需要妻子照顾孩子，与医生、牙医预约，给孩子和我看病的事得她操心。我想要个妻，保证我的孩子吃得好穿得净。我想要个妻，替孩子洗衣缝补，扮演好保育员的角色，安排好孩子的学业、交友、游戏诸多事情。我想要个妻，孩子生病时有人料理，孩子有特殊需要时有人应急。因为我不能误课，她也许会因此而耽误了工作，减少了薪金，可那没多大要紧，她得边工作边照看家庭。

我想要个妻，照顾我的实际所需。把屋子打扫干净，把孩子拾掇整齐，还要跟在我后面收拾整理。我想要个妻，帮我洗衣、烫衣、添置新衣，屋子收拾得井井有条，东西摆放有序，否则我随时想要东西哪里去寻。我想要个妻给我下厨，她必须是个好厨师，买、汰、烧，尽心尽意。膳毕，她洗碗我学习。我想要个妻，生病时她是我的慰籍，旅行时她伴我同行，及时满足我和孩子的不时之需。

我想要个妻，她不得对我唠唠叨叨，抱怨不已。而我学习上遇到困难时向她述说，她可得听，我写的论文还待她来誊清。

我想要个妻，交友少不了她给我做后勤。受朋友之邀时，妻得安排好孩子的照看问题；遇到学校的人想要款待时，我希望有这样一个老婆，她会把房子收拾得干干净净，会烧出一桌特别的美味佳肴，款待我和我的朋友们，当我们谈到彼此感兴趣的事情时她不会打断我们的雅兴。我希望有这样一个老婆，在我的客人们到来之前，为了不让孩子们打搅我们，她已经妥为安排，让孩子们吃过饭准备睡觉了。我希望有这样一个老婆，她能照料好客人的一应需求，使他们有一种宾至如归的感觉，她要确保他们有烟缸可用，能为他们送上餐前小吃，为他们添饭加菜，必要时还要替他们把酒杯加斟满，还要按照客人的口味给他们冲咖啡。而且我希望有一个能理解我有时需要独自外宿不归的老婆。

我希望有一个对我的性要求反应敏感的老婆，一个当我有性要求时能充满激情如饥似渴地与我做爱的老婆，一个能确实能让我得到满足的老婆。当然，我也希望有一个在我没有兴致时不主动提出性要求的老婆。我希望有一个能负起计划生育全部责任的老婆，因为我不想要更多的孩子了。我希望有一个对我性专一的老婆，这样我就不会因为争风吃醋而影响学业了。我还希望有这样一个老婆，她对我在性需求方面可能不会老老实实地严格遵守一夫一妻制能够表示理解。毕竟，我必须能够与尽可能多的人保持关系。

如果我偶然碰上一个比我现在的老婆更合适做老婆的人，我希望有休掉现在的老婆、重新另娶一个的自由。自然，我向往过一种新鲜的生活；我的老婆将抚养孩子，对他们全权负责。这样，我就可以无牵无挂。

当我完成学业找到一份工作后，我希望我的老婆辞掉工作留在家里，以便能够更全身心地尽做老婆的本分。

我的天啦，谁不希望有一个老婆呢？（何朝阳，中国科学技术大学外语系）文/Judy Syfers 译/何朝阳