"And then?"

 

"I helped and we chased all over the place after them papers. When we sat down to get our breath back, he told me he was a student. He was ever so clever. Can't re-member what the devil it was he was studyin'. Somethin' I'd never heard of then or since."

 

"Why didn't you marry him?"

 

"Marry him? Good Lord, Leanna, I wasn't ready to marry and he wasn't the type I'd have wanted to marry by a long shot."

 

"What else did he look like, Mom?"

 

"Lord, stop the questions, child. Get some sleep."

 

She saw my disappointment however, and said she would write it all down for me. Put it in an envelope to open when she was dead and gone. I was happy with that. On a wet, slick highway, driving to France for a weekend, she was involved in an accident and died instantly. I was twenty-three then and on my own feet but as I sorted through and packed up the belongings¹ in her flat, I felt like a child again. I looked for the envelope but didn't find one. For a long time after, my mother's death and not knowing who my father was, made me feel as though I was drifting on a sea without horizons.

 

One lunchtime I just decided² to brave it and ask Malcolm who I reminded him of.

 

"Met her while I was a student," he said.

 

"Was she studying too?"

 

"Oh, heavens, no. That was what attracted me to her. She was ... so different."

 

"What were you like?" I asked.

 

"Like? Much as I am now. Nose in books, bit of a loner. Not very interesting. Not for a live wire like she was."

 

"Go on," I said.

 

"She fell pregnant. I was very happy until she told me she didn't want my help. Thought she'd change her mind, though, as the pregnancy³ advanced but when I attempted to see her, she told me to leave her be. I was very hurt but accepted her refusal to involve me. A few months later, I took a job I'd been offered in New York. Salary was dreadful but I thought it would be for the best."

 

"Was it? " I asked.

 

"No. When I returned, they'd moved. Left no forwarding address."

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