为什么你会爱上你的爱人?
文章来源:未知 文章作者:enread 发布时间:2013-06-24 05:50 字体: [ ]  进入论坛
(单词翻译:双击或拖选)
Have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem as though they should fit together -- yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can't figure out why?
 
I know of one couple: He is a burly ex-athlete who, in addition to being a successful salesman, coaches Little League, is active in his Rotary1 Club and plays golf every Saturday with friends. Meanwhile, his wife is petite(娇小的), quiet and a complete Homebody(喜欢在家消遣的男人). She doesn't even like to go out to dinner.
 
What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer?
 
Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to John Money, professor emeritus2 of medical psychology3 and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, is what he calls our "love map" -- a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell, and body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it's the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.
 
In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. And this love map is largely determined4 in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains.
 
When I lecture, I often ask couples in the audience what drew them to their dates or mates. Answers range from "She's strong and independent" and "I go for redheads" to "I love his sense of humor" and "That crooked5 smile, that's what did it."
 
Robert Winch, a longtime sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social similarities. But he also maintained that we look for someone with complementary needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive personality may seek out a more passive partner.
 
However, there are instances where people of different social backgrounds end up getting married and being extremely happy. I know of one man, a factory worker from a traditional Irish family in Chicago, who fell in love with an African American Baptist. When they got married, their friends and relatives predicted a quick failure. But 25 years later, the marriage is still strong.
 
It turns out that the woman was like her mother-in-law -- a loving and caring person, the type who rolls up her sleeves and volunteers to work at church or help out people in need. This is the quality that her husband fell for, and it made color and religion and any other social factors irrelevant6 to him.
 
Or as George Burns, who was Jewish and married the Irish Catholic Gracie Allen, used to say: his marriage was his favorite gig, even though it was Gracie who got all the laughs. The two of them did share certain social similarities -- both grew up in the city, in large but poor families. Yet what really drew them together was evident from the first time they went onstage together. They complemented7 each other perfectly8: he was the straight man, and she delivered the punch lines.
 
There are certainly such "odd couples" who could scarcely be happier. We all know some drop-dead beautiful person married to an unusually plain wallflower. This is a trade-off some call the equity9 theory.
 
When men and women possess a particular asset, such as high intelligence, unusual beauty, a personality that makes others swoon, or a hefty bankroll that has the same effect, some decide to trade their assets for someone else's strong points. The raging beauty may trade her luster10 for the power and security that come with big bucks11. The not-so-talented fellow from a good family may swap12 his pedigree(血统,家族) for a poor but brilliantly talented mate.
 
Indeed, almost any combination can survive and thrive. Once, some neighbors of mine stopped by for a friendly social engagement. During the evening Robert, a man in his 50s, suddenly blurted13 out, "What would you say if your daughter planned to marry someone who has a ponytail and insisted on doing the cooking?"
 
"Unless your daughter loves cooking," I responded, "I'd say she was darn lucky."
 
"Exactly," his wife agreed. "It's really your problem, Robert -- that old macho thing rearing its head again. The point is, they're in love."
 
I tried to reassure14 Robert, pointing out that the young man their daughter had picked out seemed to be a relaxed, nonjudgmental sort of person -- a trait he shared with her own mother.
 
Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Why not? When people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discover a unique something they have in common. It could be something as mundane15 as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements16 their own personality.
 
I happen to be one of those who were struck by the magic wand. On that fateful weekend, while I was a sophomore17 at Cornell University, I had a terrible cold and hesitated to join my family on vacation in the Catskill Mountains. Finally I decided18 anything would be better than sitting alone in my dormitory room.
 
That night as I was preparing to go to dinner, my sister rushed up the stairs and said, "When you walk into that dining room, you're going to meet the man you'll marry."
 
I think I said something like "Buzz off!" But my sister couldn't have been more right. I knew it from the moment I saw him, and the memory still gives me goose flesh. He was a premed student, also at Cornell, who incidentally also had a bad cold. I fell in love with Milton the instant I met him.
 
Milt and I were married for 39 years, until his death in 1989. And all that time we experienced a love that Erich Fromm called a "feeling of fusion19, of oneness," even while we both continued to change, grow and fulfill20 our lives.


点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 rotary fXsxE     
adj.(运动等)旋转的;轮转的;转动的
参考例句:
  • The central unit is a rotary drum.核心设备是一个旋转的滚筒。
  • A rotary table helps to optimize the beam incidence angle.一张旋转的桌子有助于将光线影响之方式角最佳化。
2 emeritus ypixp     
adj.名誉退休的
参考例句:
  • "Perhaps I can introduce Mr.Lake Kirby,an emeritus professor from Washington University?"请允许我介绍华盛顿大学名誉教授莱克柯尔比先生。
  • He will continue as chairman emeritus.他将会继续担任荣誉主席。
3 psychology U0Wze     
n.心理,心理学,心理状态
参考例句:
  • She has a background in child psychology.她受过儿童心理学的教育。
  • He studied philosophy and psychology at Cambridge.他在剑桥大学学习哲学和心理学。
4 determined duszmP     
adj.坚定的;有决心的
参考例句:
  • I have determined on going to Tibet after graduation.我已决定毕业后去西藏。
  • He determined to view the rooms behind the office.他决定查看一下办公室后面的房间。
5 crooked xvazAv     
adj.弯曲的;不诚实的,狡猾的,不正当的
参考例句:
  • He crooked a finger to tell us to go over to him.他弯了弯手指,示意我们到他那儿去。
  • You have to drive slowly on these crooked country roads.在这些弯弯曲曲的乡间小路上你得慢慢开车。
6 irrelevant ZkGy6     
adj.不恰当的,无关系的,不相干的
参考例句:
  • That is completely irrelevant to the subject under discussion.这跟讨论的主题完全不相关。
  • A question about arithmetic is irrelevant in a music lesson.在音乐课上,一个数学的问题是风马牛不相及的。
7 complemented ef190f44a2dd6967f0c5c8104e74e707     
有补助物的,有余格的
参考例句:
  • The excellent menu is complemented by a good wine list. 佳肴佐以美酒,可称完美无缺。
  • In vitro analysis must be complemented by studies of the virus replication cycle in plants. 体外的分析必须辅之以植物体内病毒复制周期的研究。
8 perfectly 8Mzxb     
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地
参考例句:
  • The witnesses were each perfectly certain of what they said.证人们个个对自己所说的话十分肯定。
  • Everything that we're doing is all perfectly above board.我们做的每件事情都是光明正大的。
9 equity ji8zp     
n.公正,公平,(无固定利息的)股票
参考例句:
  • They shared the work of the house with equity.他们公平地分担家务。
  • To capture his equity,Murphy must either sell or refinance.要获得资产净值,墨菲必须出售或者重新融资。
10 luster n82z0     
n.光辉;光泽,光亮;荣誉
参考例句:
  • His great books have added luster to the university where he teaches.他的巨著给他任教的大学增了光。
  • Mercerization enhances dyeability and luster of cotton materials.丝光处理扩大棉纤维的染色能力,增加纤维的光泽。
11 bucks a391832ce78ebbcfc3ed483cc6d17634     
n.雄鹿( buck的名词复数 );钱;(英国十九世纪初的)花花公子;(用于某些表达方式)责任v.(马等)猛然弓背跃起( buck的第三人称单数 );抵制;猛然震荡;马等尥起后蹄跳跃
参考例句:
  • They cost ten bucks. 这些值十元钱。
  • They are hunting for bucks. 他们正在猎雄兔。 来自《简明英汉词典》
12 swap crnwE     
n.交换;vt.交换,用...作交易
参考例句:
  • I will swap you my bicycle for your radio.我想拿我的自行车换你的收音机。
  • This comic was a swap that I got from Nick.这本漫画书是我从尼克那里换来的。
13 blurted fa8352b3313c0b88e537aab1fcd30988     
v.突然说出,脱口而出( blurt的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • She blurted it out before I could stop her. 我还没来得及制止,她已脱口而出。
  • He blurted out the truth, that he committed the crime. 他不慎说出了真相,说是他犯了那个罪。 来自《简明英汉词典》
14 reassure 9TgxW     
v.使放心,使消除疑虑
参考例句:
  • This seemed to reassure him and he continued more confidently.这似乎使他放心一点,于是他更有信心地继续说了下去。
  • The airline tried to reassure the customers that the planes were safe.航空公司尽力让乘客相信飞机是安全的。
15 mundane F6NzJ     
adj.平凡的;尘世的;宇宙的
参考例句:
  • I hope I can get an interesting job and not something mundane.我希望我可以得到的是一份有趣的工作,而不是一份平凡无奇的。
  • I find it humorous sometimes that even the most mundane occurrences can have an impact on our awareness.我发现生活有时挺诙谐的,即使是最平凡的事情也能影响我们的感知。
16 complements 5a1152804ff4d812e4b400d5b206fc89     
补充( complement的名词复数 ); 补足语; 补充物; 补集(数)
参考例句:
  • His business skill complements her flair for design. 他的经营技巧和她的设计才能相辅相成。
  • The isoseismal maps are valuable complements to the instrumental records. 等震线图是仪器记录有价值的补充资料。
17 sophomore PFCz6     
n.大学二年级生;adj.第二年的
参考例句:
  • He is in his sophomore year.他在读二年级。
  • I'm a college sophomore majoring in English.我是一名英语专业的大二学生。
18 decided lvqzZd     
adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的
参考例句:
  • This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
  • There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。
19 fusion HfDz5     
n.溶化;熔解;熔化状态,熔和;熔接
参考例句:
  • Brass is formed by the fusion of copper and zinc. 黄铜是通过铜和锌的熔合而成的。
  • This alloy is formed by the fusion of two types of metal.这种合金是用两种金属熔合而成的。
20 fulfill Qhbxg     
vt.履行,实现,完成;满足,使满意
参考例句:
  • If you make a promise you should fulfill it.如果你许诺了,你就要履行你的诺言。
  • This company should be able to fulfill our requirements.这家公司应该能够满足我们的要求。
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