All men are idiots, and I married their King.

So many stupid people... so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I Brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize¹ using your turn signal.

Lottery²: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane³!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian⁴.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Reality is a crutch⁵ for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity⁶, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Give me ambiguity⁷ or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder⁸...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

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