20. Could you drive any better if I shove that cell phone up your ass¹?

19. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

18. Your gene² pool needs a little chlorine.

17. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.

16. Don't piss me off. I'm running out of Places to hide the bodies.

15. You're depriving some poor village of its idiot.

14. All men are animals. Some just make better pets.

13. Some people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

12. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

11. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder³.

10. All men are idiots. I married their king.

9. Reality is a crutch⁴ for people who can't handle drugs.

8. I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.

7. Friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies.

6. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

5. Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.

4. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

3. I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

2. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you got.

and the #1 bumper⁵ sticker of the week...

1. Honk⁶ if you want to see my finger.

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