For those of you without kids, here are some training tips for parenthood. For those of you that have kids, this is just to remind us why we chose not to have any more.

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN.

THE MESS TEST
Smear¹ peanut butter on your sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Practice writing on the wall with a Hershey Bar Carefully load a sandwich into the VCR, see if it can record anything. Press EJECT when done. Find the tallest place in your home (vaulted ceilings are the best) and splash some tar-like substance in the corner. Wonder how anything could get there in the first place, without scaffolding.

THE TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold². Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

THE GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you while you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

THE DRESSING³ TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus⁴. Stuff into a small, net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

THE FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large, plastic milk jug⁵. Fill halfway⁶ with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the jug's contents on the floor.

THE NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly⁷ in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more of your own and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful at all times!

THE INGENUITY⁸ TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator⁹. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch¹⁰ tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs¹¹. Make an exact replica¹² of the Eiffel Tower. Item must be complete and perfect within 30-60 minutes!

THE AUTOMOBILE¹³ TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon¹⁴. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone¹⁵ and put it in the glove compartment¹⁶. Leave it there. Get a dime¹⁷. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash¹⁸ them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Bend antenna¹⁹ into fabulous²⁰ W, since radio reception is much improved. There ..... perfect.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove half of the beans. Leave it on for the rest of your life.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Tell the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store's account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance²¹, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience, since it will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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