1. Old people always have exact change.

2. Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."

3. Women who sound sexy on the radio weigh 377 pounds.

4. Sitcom¹ characters watching porn always tilt² their heads.

5. In movies Italians can play Jews and Jews can play Italians, but neither can play Lutherans.

6. No talking at the urinal.

7. White cars look good only on Fantasy Island.

8. Lesbians make the best breakfast.

9. No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase, "Yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic³.

10. Never trust a man with pictures of balloons on his checks.

11. Women named after a month of the year are usually frisky⁴.

12. The sniffing⁶ of one's finger is a pleasure best indulged discreetly⁷.

13. Inviting⁸ others to sniff⁵ one's finger: more discreetly still.

14. Stewardesses⁹ from Third World airlines are much more attractive than those of developed countries.

15. Never play cards with a man who wears a visor.

16. The dumber the man, the louder he talks.

17. Born-again Christians¹⁰ have the most meticulously¹¹ parted hair.

18. Unless you are a Pilgrim, large shoe buckles¹² are to be avoided.

19. A man should avoid using the phrase "assume the position" on the first date.

20. The last people who should be having kids are always the first to do so.

21. Seat belts do wrinkle your suit, but so do windshields.

22. The fatter the man the smaller the swimsuit.

23. The weirder¹³ the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.

24. Walking into staples¹⁴ and shouting, "Hey, where are the staples?" isn't funny.

25. Pennies are inappropriate at strip clubs.

26. Dogs with bandanas around their necks are not pleased with the accessory.

27. Captain Crunch¹⁵ should be Admiral Crunch by now.

28. Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.

29. There's a special circle in Hell reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space.

30. A gentleman never considers sexual activity until the dog has been sent to another room.

31. Pretending to get all confused in the elevator and pressing her nipple instead of a floor button will not get you laid.

32. No matter how furtive¹⁶ or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you are looking at their breasts.

33. People who begin sentences by saying "With all due respect," are in fact preparing to impart loads of disrespect.

34. Never trust a man who knows all the dance steps to "Bye, bye, bye."

35. There's no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail.

36. People who live in glass houses watch 65 percent less porn.

37. The lower a waiter bends down when introducing himself, the less the should be trusted.

38. A tattoo¹⁷ of a teardrop is not a sign of sensitivity.

39. The best villains¹⁸ have accents and walk slowly.

40. The wackier a doctor's neckties, the less prestigious¹⁹ his medical school.

41. The allure²⁰ of strip clubs drops dramatically when your girlfriend works in one.

42. Horizontal stripes on your boxers²¹ will not make your penis appear larger.

43. When you die, they will find your porn.

44. Your bumper²² sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is.

45. Lemme is the best of the faux contractions²³, followed by gimme.

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