"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.

"Sure, go ahead" = I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset you moron¹.

"We need to talk" = I need to complain.

"You're so manly²" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

"You're certainly attentive³ tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs⁴

"This kitchen is so inconvenient⁵" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper, etc...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

"Is my butt⁶ fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and rock him until he falls asleep

Answering the question, "What's wrong?"
"...The same old thing" = Nothing

"...Everything" = My PMS is acting⁷ up

"...Nothing, really" = It's just that you're such a jerk

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