"This is my apartment, but don't break anything, or you'll have to pay for it."

"Here, have a tic-tac. It's on me."

(To the waitress) "Could I have your phone number?"

"Before we go back to my place, you're not afraid of cockroaches¹, are you?"

"I really had a good time tonight, uh, um, what the hell was your name again?"

"Hey, check out the babe sittin' in the corner. Wow, what a body!"

"What? Oh, I thought you were paying."

"Nice dress. I have one at home just like it."

"So my hand slipped, and the knife cut about half an inch into my thumb, and the blood was gushing² all over the place, so I went to the emergency room to have it stitched up, but it kept throbbing³, and swelling⁴, and, oh, but I see you're eating."

"I want to move out, but my mom really needs me. And, who else is gonna make my lunch? And my bed? And clean my room?"

"No, I don't have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. I'm building a submarine, when I'm not playing with my inflatable doll."

(Looking at her plate) "Are you going to finish that?"

"The mother ship will be returning next June. Then I'll be leaving for Neptune⁵. Hey, here's a thought. You should come with me!"

"My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?"

"Well, I don't go out in public all too often. And I don't like to be touched, so don't touch me. And try not to stare at me. And let me know if anybody else is staring at me."

"I'm gonna do it. I bought a gun. I've got bullets. Just wait. My boss'll be yellin' at me, and then, BLAM!"

"As soon as I saw you, I knew you'd go out with me. I said to myself, 'There's someone who looks desperate enough.'"

"Does this look like ringworm to you?"

"Hurry up and eat, because we've got to get home in time for 'Star Trek⁶.'"

"No, I'm not really a doctor. I just pretend that I am so I can pick up women."

"We don't need a cab. We can walk. It's only eighteen blocks."

"Do you like this shirt? Me too. I wear it every day."

"I'm not afraid of anything. Except heights. And confinement⁷. And dogs, and cats, and really scary clowns. And the old lady down the street, and..."

"Could you drive me to the airport next week? And I'm going to be moving next month, and I could use some help. Also, I've been thinking about painting my garage. Are you any good at painting?"

"Have you thought about getting a Thigh-master? What about that Ultra Slim-fast, have you tried that?"

"I've never been on a date here before. I usually just come here with the guys after we go to the mud-wrestling tournaments."

"Hey, look at that guy. What's he eating? And look at that other guy. I wonder if he's gonna leave a tip? Look at those people. What do you think they're talking about? Ooh! That guy just spilled something!"

"I lost my job about a week after my father died. Then my wife left me. Then my dog got hit by a car. A couple days later, the landlord sent me an eviction⁸ notice. I hope I'm not depressing you, because I really am a fun guy. So anyway, now my neighbour is suing me in a property dispute, and..."

"No, the fries are only half-price if you get the burger AND the milkshake! What the hell's the matter with you?! Can't you read?! Are you stupid?!"

"Oh, God, it's eleven o'clock! I've got to get home before my wife notices I'm gone!"

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