When You Live In The DEEP South :

* You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

* You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

* Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

* Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

* You burn your yard rather than mow¹ it.

* The Salvation² Army declines your mattress³.

* Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

* You come back from the dump with more than you took.

* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

* You've ever bathed with flea⁴ and tick soap.

* You've been involved in a custody⁵ fight over a hunting dog.

* You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

* You have a rag for a gas cap.

* You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

* Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

* Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.

* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

* A tornado⁶ hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home improvements.

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