1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest¹ and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking. 3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.

The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them.....

1. No, I don't care who you are. 2. No, I don't care who you know. 3. Yes... you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes... you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don't have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic² group/race). 8. No, I can't give you a break. 9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer ______. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we can't talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.