WELL, all day him and the king was hard at it, rigging up a stage and a curtain and a row of candles for footlights; and that night the house was jam full of men in no time. When the place couldn't hold no more, the duke he quit tending door and went around the back way and come on to the stage and stood up before the curtain and made a little speech, and praised up this tragedy, and said it was the most thrillingest one that ever was; and so he went on abragging about the tragedy, and about Edmund Kean the Elder, which was to play the main principal part in it; and at last when he'd got everybody's expectations up high enough, he rolled up the curtain, and the next minute the king come a-prancing out on all fours, naked; and he was painted all over, ringstreaked-and-striped, all sorts of colors, as splendid as a rainbow. And -- but never mind the rest of his outfit³; it was just wild, but it was awful funny. The people most killed themselves laughing; and when the king got done capering⁴ and capered⁵ off behind the scenes, they roared and clapped and stormed and hawhawed till he come back and done it over again, and after that they made him do it another time. Well, it would make a cow laugh to see the shines that old idiot cut.

Then the duke he lets the curtain down, and bows to the people, and says the great tragedy will be performed only two nights more, on accounts of pressing London engagements, where the seats is all sold already for it in Drury Lane; and then he makes them another bow, and says if he has succeeded in pleasing them and instructing them, he will be deeply obleeged if they will mention it to their friends and get them to come and see it.

Twenty people sings out:

"What, is it over? Is that ALL?"

The duke says yes. Then there was a fine time. Everybody sings out, "Sold!" and rose up mad, and was a-going for that stage and them tragedians. But a big, fine looking man jumps up on a bench and shouts:

"Hold on! Just a word, gentlemen." They stopped to listen. "We are sold -- mighty⁶ badly sold. But we don't want to be the laughing stock of this whole town, I reckon, and never hear the last of this thing as long as we live. NO. What we want is to go out of here quiet, and talk this show up, and sell the REST of the town! Then we'll all be in the same boat. Ain't that sensible?" ("You bet it is! -- the jedge is right!" everybody sings out.) "All right, then -- not a word about any sell. Go along home, and advise everybody to come and see the tragedy."

Next day you couldn't hear nothing around that town but how splendid that show was. House was jammed again that night, and we sold this crowd the same way. When me and the king and the duke got home to the raft we all had a supper; and by and by, about midnight, they made Jim and me back her out and float her down the middle of the river, and fetch her in and hide her about two mile below town.

The third night the house was crammed⁷ again -- and they warn't new-comers this time, but people that was at the show the other two nights. I stood by the duke at the door, and I see that every man that went in had his pockets bulging⁹, or something muffled¹⁰ up under his coat -- and I see it warn't no perfumery, neither, not by a long sight. I smelt¹¹ sickly eggs by the barrel, and rotten cabbages, and such things; and if I know the signs of a dead cat being around, and I bet I do, there was sixty-four of them went in. I shoved in there for a minute, but it was too various for me; I couldn't stand it. Well, when the place couldn't hold no more people the duke he give a fellow a quarter and told him to tend door for him a minute, and then he started around for the stage door, I after him; but the minute we turned the corner and was in the dark he says:

"Walk fast now till you get away from the houses, and then shin for the raft like the dickens was after you!"

I done it, and he done the same. We struck the raft at the same time, and in less than two seconds we was gliding¹² down stream, all dark and still, and edging towards the middle of the river, nobody saying a word. I reckoned the poor king was in for a gaudy¹³ time of it with the audience, but nothing of the sort; pretty soon he crawls out from under the wigwam, and says:

"Well, how'd the old thing pan out this time, duke?" He hadn't been up-town at all.

We never showed a light till we was about ten mile below the village. Then we lit up and had a supper, and the king and the duke fairly laughed their bones loose over the way they'd served them people. The duke says:

"Greenhorns, flatheads! I knew the first house would keep mum and let the rest of the town get roped in; and I knew they'd lay for us the third night, and consider it was THEIR turn now. Well, it IS their turn, and I'd give something to know how much they'd take for it. I WOULD just like to know how they're putting in their opportunity. They can turn it into a picnic if they want to -- they brought plenty provisions."

Them rapscallions took in four hundred and sixtyfive dollars in that three nights. I never see money hauled in by the wagon-load like that before. By and by, when they was asleep and snoring, Jim says:

"Don't it s'prise you de way dem kings carries on, Huck?"

"No," I says, "it don't."

"Why don't it, Huck?"

"Well, it don't, because it's in the breed. I reckon they're all alike,"

"But, Huck, dese kings o' ourn is reglar rapscallions; dat's jist what dey is; dey's reglar rapscallions."

"Well, that's what I'm a-saying; all kings is mostly rapscallions, as fur as I can make out."

"Is dat so?"

"You read about them once -- you'll see. Look at Henry the Eight; this 'n 's a Sunday-school Superintendent¹⁴ to HIM. And look at Charles Second, and Louis Fourteen, and Louis Fifteen, and James Second, and Edward Second, and Richard Third, and forty more; besides all them Saxon heptarchies that used to rip around so in old times and raise Cain. My, you ought to seen old Henry the Eight when he was in bloom. He WAS a blossom. He used to marry a new wife every day, and chop off her head next morning. And he would do it just as indifferent as if he was ordering up eggs. 'Fetch up Nell Gwynn,' he says. They fetch her up. Next morning, 'Chop off her head!' And they chop it off. 'Fetch up Jane Shore,' he says; and up she comes, Next morning, 'Chop off her head' -- and they chop it off. 'Ring up Fair Rosamun.' Fair Rosamun answers the bell. Next morning, 'Chop off her head.' And he made every one of them tell him a tale every night; and he kept that up till he had hogged¹⁷ a thousand and one tales that way, and then he put them all in a book, and called it Domesday Book -- which was a good name and stated the case. You don't know kings, Jim, but I know them; and this old rip of ourn is one of the cleanest I've struck in history. Well, Henry he takes a notion he wants to get up some trouble with this country. How does he go at it -- give notice? -- give the country a show? No. All of a sudden he heaves all the tea in Boston Harbor overboard, and whacks¹⁹ out a declaration of independence, and dares them to come on. That was HIS style -- he never give anybody a chance. He had suspicions of his father, the Duke of Wellington. Well, what did he do? Ask him to show up? No -- drownded him in a butt²⁰ of mamsey, like a cat. S'pose people left money laying around where he was -- what did he do? He collared it. S'pose he contracted to do a thing, and you paid him, and didn't set down there and see that he done it -- what did he do? He always done the other thing. S'pose he opened his mouth -- what then? If he didn't shut it up powerful quick he'd lose a lie every time. That's the kind of a bug²¹ Henry was; and if we'd a had him along 'stead of our kings he'd a fooled that town a heap worse than ourn done. I don't say that ourn is lambs, because they ain't, when you come right down to the cold facts; but they ain't nothing to THAT old ram⁸, anyway. All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to make allowances. Take them all around, they're a mighty ornery lot. It's the way they're raised."

"But dis one do SMELL so like de nation, Huck."

"Well, they all do, Jim. We can't help the way a king smells; history don't tell no way."

"Now de duke, he's a tolerble likely man in some ways."

"Yes, a duke's different. But not very different. This one's a middling hard lot for a duke. When he's drunk there ain't no near-sighted man could tell him from a king."

"Well, anyways, I doan' hanker for no mo' un um, Huck. Dese is all I kin¹ stan'."

"It's the way I feel, too, Jim. But we've got them on our hands, and we got to remember what they are, and make allowances. Sometimes I wish we could hear of a country that's out of kings."

What was the use to tell Jim these warn't real kings and dukes? It wouldn't a done no good; and, besides, it was just as I said: you couldn't tell them from the real kind.

I went to sleep, and Jim didn't call me when it was my turn. He often done that. When I waked up just at daybreak he was sitting there with his head down betwixt his knees, moaning and mourning to himself. I didn't take notice nor let on. I knowed what it was about. He was thinking about his wife and his children, away up yonder, and he was low and homesick; because he hadn't ever been away from home before in his life; and I do believe he cared just as much for his people as white folks does for their'n. It don't seem natural, but I reckon it's so. He was often moaning and mourning that way nights, when he judged I was asleep, and saying, "Po' little 'Lizabeth! po' little Johnny! it's mighty hard; I spec' I ain't ever gwyne to see you no mo', no mo'!" He was a mighty good nigger, Jim was.

But this time I somehow got to talking to him about his wife and young ones; and by and by he says:

"What makes me feel so bad dis time 'uz bekase I hear sumpn over yonder on de bank like a whack¹⁸, er a slam, while ago, en it mine me er de time I treat my little 'Lizabeth so ornery. She warn't on'y 'bout² fo' year ole, en she tuck de sk'yarlet fever, en had a powful rough spell; but she got well, en one day she was a-stannin' aroun', en I says to her, I says:

"'Shet de do'.'

"She never done it; jis' stood dah, kiner smilin' up at me. It make me mad; en I says agin, mighty loud, I says:

"'Doan' you hear me? Shet de do'!'

"She jis stood de same way, kiner smilin' up. I was a-bilin'! I says:

"'I lay I MAKE you mine!'

"En wid dat I fetch' her a slap side de head dat sont her a-sprawlin'. Den¹⁵ I went into de yuther room, en 'uz gone 'bout ten minutes; en when I come back dah was dat do' a-stannin' open YIT, en dat chile stannin' mos' right in it, a-lookin' down and mournin', en de tears runnin' down. My, but I WUZ mad! I was a-gwyne for de chile, but jis' den -- it was a do' dat open innerds -- jis' den, 'long come de wind en slam it to, behine de chile, ker-BLAM! -- en my lan', de chile never move'! My breff mos' hop¹⁶ outer me; en I feel so -- so -- I doan' know HOW I feel. I crope out, all a-tremblin', en crope aroun' en open de do' easy en slow, en poke²² my head in behine de chile, sof' en still, en all uv a sudden I says POW! jis' as loud as I could yell. SHE NEVER BUDGE²³! Oh, Huck, I bust²⁴ out a-cryin' en grab her up in my arms, en say, 'Oh, de po' little thing! De Lord God Amighty fogive po' ole Jim, kaze he never gwyne to fogive hisself as long's he live!' Oh, she was plumb²⁵ deef en dumb, Huck, plumb deef en dumb -- en I'd ben atreat'n her so!"

他和国王拼命地忙了一整天，搭戏台，挂幕布，安一排蜡烛权当脚灯。这一晚，大厅里
一转眼就挤满了人。等到场子里再也容不下更多的人了，公爵从入口处走开，绕到场后，走
到了台口，站在幕布前面，作了一个小小的演说。他对这次演的悲剧大大夸奖了一番，称作
从来戏剧里最为惊心动魄的戏。他大吹大擂地把这个悲剧介绍了一番。还替老埃特蒙·基恩
吹嘘了一通，说他要演剧中的主角。最后，当他把观众的胃口吊足的时候，他把幕布向上一
拉。一会儿，但见国王全身一丝不挂，四肢着地，蹦上场来。他全身涂着红红绿绿的各种颜
色，一圈一圈的条纹，就象天上彩虹那么色彩鲜艳。并且——不过嘛，他身上别的打扮也就
不用提了，总之是放肆到家了，却又非常引人发笑。观众笑得前仰后翻，几乎笑死。国王蹦
跳了一番，然后一蹦，跳进了后台，只听得全场又是吼叫，又是鼓掌，象暴风雨似地大笑大
叫，直至国王走回台前，把全部动作重新表演了一番。在这以后，又鼓噪着叫他又表演了一
下。啊，看这个老傻瓜的这番精彩演出，恐怕连一头牛也会哈哈大笑吧。”
    接下来公爵拉下大幕，对观众一鞠躬，说这场伟大悲剧只能再演两个晚上，因为伦敦方
面有约在先，在特勒雷巷戏院里的座位早已预订一空。然后他又朝大伙儿一鞠躬，还说，如
果这回演出，还能叫大伙儿满意，给了他们以启迪的话，就请他们跟亲戚朋友们多作介绍，
叫他们也来看看。
    有二十个人大声喊道：
    “怎么啦，就这么完了么？难道就全部演完了么？①”   

　　①诺顿版注：据说，马克·吐温是采用了当时人所讲的一个猥亵故事改写的，那是
他在加州时听到的。边疆地区幽默故事中不乏这类行骗的故事。了大河中央以后，顺流往下
漂，然后在镇子下游两英里光景，找个地方藏了起来。

　　①据茹斯丁·卡普兰《克莱门斯先生与马克·吐温》：马克·吐温在手稿上曾在这
句话下面划了一道，并在边上批了一句：“这一表述不能更改。”

    公爵说是的。这一下啊，接下来可真是一场好戏。一个个都在大声说“上当了”，象疯
了似地跳将起来，纷纷对着舞台和两个悲剧演员扑过去。不过呢，有一个样子长得漂漂亮亮
的大个子男人一跃跳到了一张长凳上，大声吼了起来：“先别动手！先生们，听我说句
话，”大家就停下来听着，“我们是上了当啦——上当上得可不轻啊。不过，依我看，我们
不会愿意给全镇人当作笑料吧，给全镇人一辈子也笑不完吧，不。我们下一步要干的是，不
作声地从这儿走出去，把这出戏好好地捧它一场，让镇上其他的人都来上当！这样一来，我
们全都成了一只船上的人了嘛。听懂了么？”（“你不妨打赌说，听懂啦！——这个主意出
得好！”在场的人一个个都这么叫。）“那就好，那就这样——上当的事，一字也不提。
回转家门，劝说大家一个个都来，来看看这场悲剧。”
到第二天，全镇上传来传去的，尽是演出多么精彩这类的话。此外简直听不到谈论别的
什么事了。当晚上，场子里又一次挤得水泄不通。我们照老办法，叫大伙儿又上了一次当。
我、国王和公爵回到木筏子上以后，一起吃了晚饭。后来，大致半夜前后，他们要杰姆和我
把木筏子撑了出去。
到了第三个晚上，全场又一次挤得满满的——而且这一回啊，他们并非新面孔，而是前
两个晚上的看客。我在门口站在公爵的旁边。我发现每一个进场的人，口袋里都是鼓鼓的，
要不就是上衣里塞着什么东西——我就知道这些并非是香料，绝对不是的，一眼便知。我闻
到了整桶的臭鸡蛋、烂白菜这类东西的味道。你要是问我是不是有人把死猫带了进来，我敢
打赌说有。一共有六十四个人带着东西进了场。我挤进去待了一会儿，可是那种种气味，叫
我实在受不住。好，等到场子里再也容不下更多的人了，公爵把两角五分钱的一个银币给了
一个人，要他替他照看大门口一分钟。然后他绕着通往戏台的小门那条路走过去，我跟在他
的后面走。我们一绕过拐角，到了黑呼呼的地方，他便说：
“快跑，等你跑得离这些房子远远的，便拼命往木筏子跑去，要仿佛有鬼在你后面追
你！”
我就跑开了，他也跑。我们在同一个时间上了木筏子，一刹那间，我们便往下游漂去，
四周一片漆黑，没有一点儿声响，只是斜对着河心划过去，也没有人说一句话。我估计，那
可怜的国王准定会被前来看戏的观众揍得够呛，可是事实上却并非如此。不一会儿，他从窝
棚里爬将了出来，说道：“哈，我们那一套老戏法这一回是怎么样得手的，公爵？”
原来他根本没有到镇上去。
在划离那个村子十英里路以前，我们没有点灯。后来才点燃了灯，吃了晚饭。一路之
上，为了他们如此这般耍弄了那些人，笑得连骨头都要散架了。公爵说：
“这群笨蛋、傻瓜！我早知道第一场的人不会声张开，只会叫镇上其他的人跟他们一起
钻进圈套。我也早知道他们想在第三个晚上在四下里埋伏好整我们，自以为这下子可该轮到
他们来一手啦。好吧，是轮到他们来一手了，我会赏他们点儿什么，好叫他们知道能得多少
便宜。我倒真想知道他们会怎样利用这下子的好机会。只要他们高兴，他们尽可以把它变成
一次野餐会——他们带了好丰盛的‘吃食”嘛。”
这两个无赖在三个晚上骗到手了一共四百六十五块大洋。我可从来没见过这样整车整车
把钱往家拉的。
后来他们睡了，打呼了，杰姆说：
“哈克，国王这样的行经（径），你不觉得吃惊么？”
“不，”我说，“不吃惊。”
“为什么不，哈克？”
“这有什么好叫人吃惊的，因为他们那个种就是这样的料。依我看，他们全都是一个样
子的。”
“不过，哈克，我们这儿的国王可是个不折不扣的大流忙（氓），就是这么回事，不折
不扣的大流忙（氓）。”
“是啊，我要说的也是这个话：天下的国王都是大流氓，我看就是这么一回事。”
“真是这样么？”
“是的。你只要学过一点儿有关他们的事——你就明白了。你看看亨利第八吧。咱们这
一个要是跟他比起来，那还可算是个主日学校的校长哩。还看看查尔斯第二、路易十四、路
易十五、詹姆斯第二、麦德华第二、理查第三，还有其他四十个呢。此外还有撒克逊七王国
的国王们①，在古时候都曾猖狂一时，闹得坏人当道。天啊，你该看看那个亨利第八老王当
年志得意满的时候的那些事迹啊②。他可真是个花花太岁。他每天要娶一个老婆，第二天早
上就把她的脑袋砍下来。他干这样的玩意儿，就如同他吩咐要几只鸡蛋吃吃一样随随便便，
不当作一回事。他说，‘给我把耐儿·格温带来。’人家就把她带了来。第二天早上，‘把
她的脑袋给我砍下来。’人家就把脑袋砍了下来。他说，‘替我把珍妮·旭尔带来。’她就
来了。第二天早上，‘砍掉她的脑袋。’——人家就把脑袋砍了下来。‘按一下铃，把美人
儿萝莎蒙给带来，’美人儿萝莎蒙应召来了。第二天早上，‘砍下她的脑袋。’此外，他还
叫她们每人每晚讲一个故事，他把这些积累起来，这样积累成一千零一个故事，并且把它们
编入一本书，把这本书叫做《末日之书》③——这书名起得好，名实相符。杰姆，你还不了
解国王这帮子人哩，我可看透了他们。我们这儿的老废物，要算是我在历史书上见到的国王
里最最干净的一个了。是啊，亨利心中起了一个念头，要给这个国家来点儿麻烦，他怎么搞
法呢——来个通知么？——给这个国家来点颜色瞧瞧？不。他突然之间把波士顿港船上的茶
叶全都抛到了海里去。还发表了一个《独立宣言》④，看人家敢不敢应战。这就是他的那种
作风——他可从来不为人家的死活考虑一下呢。他对他父亲威灵吞公爵起了疑心。啊，你可
知道他怎么办？——要他露面么？不——把他推到一大桶葡萄酒里，给淹死了事，就象淹死
一只猫一样。假如有人把钱放在他附近什么个地方，——你说他会怎么办？他偷走。假如他
订了合同要做一件事，你把钱付给了他，可是你并没有在旁边，亲自看他把事情干好——你
说他怎么着？他干的总是别的什么一件事。假如他一张嘴——下一步怎么样呢？要是他不是
马上把嘴闭上，他就会放出一句谎话来。这屡试不爽。亨利就是这么一个大好佬。要是一路
之上和我们在一起的是他，而不是我们家的国王老子们，那他准把那个镇子糟塌得比我们家
那位干的不知要厉害多少倍。我并不是说我们家的那一些是羔羊，因为他们并不是羔羊，你
只要认清冷酷的事实就清楚了。可是要和那些老浑蛋相比，那就算不上什么了。总而言之，
国王就是国王那样的货色，这你得忍着点儿。归总来说，这些人是十分难惹的货色。他们就
是这样教养长大的嘛。”    

　　①《文库》本注：五至九世纪，英格兰分裂为七个王国，世称盎格鲁——撒克逊七
王国。
②诺顿版注：哈克把有关亨利第八（１５０９－１５４７）的描述，搞成了一笔糊涂
账，把历史与小说搅混了。把历史上的《末日记》和《天方夜潭》，以及其人其事搅混了，
甚至把与亨利生平以及其时代并无牵涉的若干世纪的事搅混在一起。他把十六世纪的亨利第
八写成了十九世纪的威灵吞公爵之子，又把威灵吞公爵和十五世纪的克拉伦斯公爵搅混了。
他甚至把亨利第八写成起草了美国《独立宣言》的人。又，美女萝莎蒙乃十二世纪的亨利二
世的情妇。耐儿·格温乃十七世纪查理二世的情妇。珍妮·旭尔乃十六世纪爱德华第四的情
妇，这些都给搅混了。
③《末日之书》，原来应为《杜姆斯台纪》。征服者威廉在下令对英格兰的土地进行一
次丈量后所作的记录，作为征税的根据。杜姆斯台与英语“末日”一词相似，以示调查所得
犹如末日审判那样不可更易。
④以上这些事，实与亨利第八毫无关系。

    “不过，这个人的身上有一种怪微（味），叫人受不了，哈克。”
“杰姆，他们这帮子全都是这样。国王发出这么一种味道，叫我们有什么办法？历史书
上也没有说出一个解决办法啊。”“说到那个公爵，有些地方倒还不是那么讨人咸
（嫌）。”
“是啊，公爵不一样。可是也并非十分不一样。作为公爵来说，他可说是个中等货色。
只要他一喝醉，近视眼的人也难说出他和国王有什么不一样了。”
“反正我不希望再碰到这样的人了，哈克。已有的已经叫我够寿（受）了。”
“杰姆，我也是这么个想法。不过，既然这两个我们已经粘上了手，那我们只好记住他
们是怎样的货色，一切忍着点。有的时候，我但愿能听到说，有哪一个国家是并没有国王这
类货色的。”
至于这些家伙并非是真的国王和公爵，去对杰姆说明，也没有什么用处，效果不会好。
并且，正如我说过的，你也说不出来他们和那些货真价实的有什么不一样。
我就去睡了。该由我当班的时候，杰姆并没有叫醒我。他总是这样的。我一醒来，天已
大亮，他坐在那里，脑袋垂到膝盖中间，一边在独自唉声叹气。我并没有十分在意，也没有
声张。我知道那是怎么一回事。他正在想念他的老婆和他的孩子们，在那遥远的地方。他情
绪低沉，思家心切，因为他一生中还从未离开过家，并且我相信他跟白种的人们一样，爱怜
他自己的人。这似乎不合乎自然，不过我看这是实情。他总是这样唉声叹气，那是在晚上，
他以为我已经睡着了，便自言自语：“可怜的小伊丽莎白！可怜的小强尼！命好苦啊！我怕
再也见不到你们一面啦！”杰姆这个人啊，可真是个好心肠的黑人啊。
不过这一回啊，我还是想法子跟杰姆谈到了他的老婆和他年幼的小孩。他后来说：
“这一回我这么难过，是因为刚才听见岸上那一边‘啪’的一声，象是打人的声音，又
象关门的声音。这不由得叫我想起了我当初对小伊丽莎白，自己的脾气多么坏。她还不满四
周岁，还害了一场腥红热，苦苦折腾了好几天，不过后来逐渐好了。有一天，她在附近站
着，我对她说着话。我说：“‘把门关上。’
“她没有关门，只是在原地站着，对我微微一笑。我就火了，我就又说了一遍，而且高
声地吼叫。我说：
“‘听到了吧？——把门关上！’
“她还是照样站在那里，对我笑咪咪的。我冷（忍）不住啦。我说：
“‘我叫你不听话！’
“我一边这么说，一边在她脑袋上一个巴张（掌），打得她满地滚。接着我到了另一个
房间去，去了大约十分钟，我转回来，见到门还是开着的，孩子正站在门坎上，朝下面张望
着，眼泪直淌。天啊，我真是气疯了。我正要对孩子扑过去，可是就在这一刹那，——门是
往里开的，——就在这一刹那，刮起一阵风，砰的一声把门关上了，正好由后面打着了孩
子，喀嘭一声，把孩子打倒在门外的地上。天啊！孩子从此动也不动啦。这下子，我的心快
跳出腔子啦——我难受得——难受得——我不知道我难受得到了乎（何）等程度。我全身颤
抖地摸了过去，一步步摸了过去，小心翼翼地把门轻轻打开，静悄悄地伸着脖子从后面看着
孩子。我猛然间死命吼叫了一声：‘哎！’她一动也不动。哦，哈克，我一边嚎啕大哭，一
边把她抱在怀里：‘哦，我可怜的儿啊！但愿上帝饶恕可怜的老杰姆吧①！’我今生今世，
再饶不了自己啦！哦，她是完全隆（聋）了，亚（哑）了，哈克，完全隆（聋）了，亚
（哑）了——可是我一直这么很（狠）心对待她啊！”