THE city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of
the province of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening¹
all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise
means of defence.  The first speaker thought the best policy would
be to offer a fried jackass to the gods.  The second suggested a
public procession, headed by the Wampog himself, bearing the Holy
Poker² on a cushion of cloth-of-brass.  Another thought that a
scarlet³ mole⁴ should be buried alive in the public park and a
suitable incantation chanted over the remains⁵.  The advice of the
fourth was that the columns of the capitol be rubbed with oil of
dog by a person having a moustache on the calf⁶ of his leg.  When
all the others had spoken an Aged⁷ Man rose and said:

  "High and mighty⁸ Wampog and fellow-citizens, I have listened
attentively⁹ to all the plans proposed.  All seem wise, and I do not
suffer myself to doubt that any one of them would be efficacious. 
Nevertheless, I cannot help thinking that if we would put an
improved breed of polliwogs in our drinking water, construct
shallower roadways, groom¹⁰ the street cows, offer the stranger
within our gates a free choice between the poniard and the potion,
and relinquish¹¹ our private system of morals, the other measures of
public safety would be needless."

  The Aged Man was about to speak further, but the meeting informally
adjourned¹² in order to sweep the floor of the temple - for the men
of Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province.  The
last speaker was the broom.

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