DAY ONE
Tuesday, June 15
At high noon a large spaceship floated gently down out of a blue sky to land on the front lawn of the White House. It rested motionless for the next five hours while the White House hummed with activity. The President was evacuated1 and then the military moved in with troops, tanks and helicopters. Stealth fighters roared overhead. Both Congress and the United Nations called emergency sessions as a frightened world held its breath.
At exactly 5:00 p.m. eastern time, a small door opened in the side of the craft and a human-like creature stepped out.
As beings go, it wasn't that alarming. About three feet tall, it had a large head atop a small body with two spindly legs. And there were feather-like appendages2 growing from its head as well as from what could have been a tail if it were a bird. But it moved like a human and wore a one-piece uniform of a gold metallic3 material that sparkled in the sun. Walking to the nearest soldier, it stopped short, its two unnaturally4 large eyes blinking twice. Then in perfect English with a high-pitched voice, it said, "Take me to your esteemed5 leader."
After much military and political consternation6, the request was granted. Standing7 before the President of the United States, who was seated at his desk in the oval office surrounded by half a dozen secret agents, the little being bowed. "President and Chief Commander, I humbly8 come to you as ambassador facilitator for an ancient and distinguished9 race. Please realize that you're dealing10 with beings of such power that their purpose must be friendly or you'd have already been destroyed in my humble11 estimation."
It paused to scratch the base of a head feather. "I myself am Mooba. My kind are respected throughout the universe as the finest of translators. I must tell you that the Xxlepis ship has been moored12 at the edge of your solar system for a year now while I've been studying your languages and customs on their behalf. I know all there is to know about all of you, in my humble opinion."
The President smiled halfheartedly, "Should I find that comforting?"
Mooba brightened, "Of course. Because I'm thorough I rarely make mistakes." He shrugged13. "I'll admit to a few, but none that wasn't rectified14. I'm sorry to in
form you that yours is not the only species I considered for contact on this planet. There are some others more appealing, but yours is the most intelligent. And yours is also the only species believing themselves in charge."
The President's eyebrows15 lifted at such a statement.
Mooba continued, "For purposes of decorum, tomorrow I will teach you about the Xxlepis." His top feathers suddenly stiffened16. "Be forewarned. Although highly evolved intellectually, the Xxlepis are emotionally fragile and quick to perceive imaginary insults if decorum isn't carefully followed. They're quirky that way--easily offended. And if you offend them you will not reap the benefits they can bestow18."
"Fair enough" the President agreed, but his expression was one of puzzlement.
The conversation was over.
DAY TWO
Wednesday, June 16
The next day two soldiers were sent to escort Mooba back to the White House, but he wasn't on the spaceship. Instead, when the President with his staff and secret agents arrived at the meeting room, Mooba was already there. Without anyone noticing, he had left the spaceship, slipped through a ring of military, a mob of reporters and White House staff to find the secured meeting room no one had told him about the day before. It unnerved the President and particularly his secret agents.
Standing at the back of the room Mooba waited for everyone to get settled. Then he abruptly19 began, "The first thing to do when introduced...is to bow. Some of your human cultures already practice that formality. And the second thing after bowing... is to do nothing." He paused for emphasis. "It's best, Sir President, to allow me to do all the talking, particularly in the beginning. The Xxlepis themselves rarely speak because words to them are sacred. They believe that by saying less, what is said increases in value. So speaking only at the end of a conversation is a sign of respect. Of course, in my humble opinion, that makes for very short conversations." It was hard to tell if Mooba was joking so no one laughed.
The alien continued. "The Xxlepis find it difficult dealing with other cultures, so they take great care to insulate themselves. In addition to being their translator I serve as a filter to shield their refined sensibilities--but still I must be accurate and complete. Not an easy job, in my humble opinion. The Xxlepis are emotional, you see. Despite all their sophistication, they just want to be loved and they can't handle rejecti
on. I think you humans can appreciate that." He watched as one of the staff arose and walked to a table at the side of the room pouring himself a cup of coffee.
"What's that?"
"The President smiled. "It's coffee, a common beverage20. And there's also donuts. Would you like some?"
Mooba's top feathers twitched21 excitedly. "Certainly." He stepped quickly across the room and to everyone's surprise gulped22 down a whole carafe23 of hot coffee. Then he grabbed several donuts. Returning to the front of the room, he noisily smacked24 his lips. Powdered sugar from the donuts had somehow ended up on his chin. It was a comical sight that everyone politely ignored.
"That was tasty," he said, "in my humble opinion. Now, let me explain more about the Xxlepis. Having mastered the mysteries of science and technology, they have returned to the arts, particularly their poetry. They are on a quest for new forms of expression. For example, the 20 ways an elephant calls to its young or the 59 words the Eskimos use for snow. Whether or not a language is written or spoken is of secondary importance. The Xxlepis take pleasure in converting all manner of creature communication into just the right word with a precise meaning and contextual flavor to be used in their poetry. So they traverse the universe in search of communication to define new words because, to them, only words have true value. Personally, I think it's because words convey emotions."
"Speaking of value..." Mooba stopped mid-thought. "Ah... could I have more coffee?"
"Sir, there's no more coffee," said one of the agents addressing the President.
The President waved his hand. "Well then, please get another carafe. It'll only take a minute."
The agent left the room. Through the door, which had not fully17 closed, squeezed a short, rotund Basset Hound. It went immediately to the President wagging its tail while casting side-glances at Mooba.
"Hi there, Sally," the President gently stroked the dog's back. "Mooba, this is my dog. She just had puppies four weeks ago. What do you think of her?"
Mooba was quite interested, particularly when Sally left the President to approach him, her tail still wagging. He bent25 over so that his face was almost level with the dog's and she licked the sugar off his chin. His head feathers danced wildly. "I like her," he said and then made a noise somewhere between a bark and a whine26. It startled everyone in the room, but Sally woofed in response.
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Suddenly, the agent with the coffee appeared. "Here's the coffee, Sir."
At that point Sally was let out of the room. Mooba drank more coffee, after which he continued instructing the President.
"As I was saying, concerning value it's things that have no price that are worth the most to the Xxlepis. Things such as honor or knowledge or joy. That's because emotions, or the intangible, offer infinite possibilities for new words of shading and intensity27. When a thing has a price, its value is already set, defined and limited according to the Xxlepis. So instead of price, value for them is in how many words a thing inspires."
"But as for emotions...the Xxlepis fell in love with the Drugans on the planet Phizell because they're always laughing. They have 32 words for 'giggle28'. The Xxlepis were so thrilled with this that they made fools of themselves, showering them with half our gifts." He frowned. "I had an awful time convincing them to leave that planet."
Rolling his eyes, the little alien continued.
"Unfortunately, your culture values things more than words. That's what I learned from your television and radio signals. For example, when a commercial says a car has a soul, where does that leave a man? In order to add value to a thing, you've stolen a word meant only for living beings and devalued it. And in devaluing that word you've devalued yourselves. The Xxlepis would never understand and it's better that they not know about it. In my humble opinion."
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