3. Is It Right to Withhold¹ One's Reactions to Others？
　　It is not uncommon² for us to withhold our reactions to others. We may hold back compliments for fear of embarrassment³ to them and to ourselves. We may hold back criticism for fear of being disliked or considered unfair, or for fear of hurting another person. Reactions given inconsiderately may indeed hurt others. On the other hand, some of us are inclined to withhold our reactions from others while at the same time we honestly prefer that they not hold back theirs from us.
　　We may have two different rules. The first one may be： If we ask others for candid⁴ reactions to our behavior, to something we have done or plan to do, we want them to tell us straight, including the negative with the positive. The second rule may be： If someone else asks us for similar reactions, we are inclined to hold back or gloss⁵ over the negative and embroider⁶ the positive.
　　4. Criticism Is a Kind of Demand on Those Criticized As children, many of us got a great deal of criticism and, as a result, learned a variety of patterns for coping with it. Marya had apparently⁷ received little criticism, but, knowing that she was not perfect and deserved what other children got, developed her own patterns of selfjudgment and censure⁸. Being judged, whether we are underestimated or overestimated⁹, usually implies a demand, subtle or direct, that we change. If others do not demand change, we may feel the need to demand it of ourselves.
　　Reactions that are relatively¹⁰ free from attempts to change or discredit¹¹ us, given by someone who cares for us, and with the intention of letting us know what impressions we are making, may be easier to take. If, however, our usual reaction is to defend ourselves, even mild criticism or impressions given gently without demands that we change may play havoc¹² with our defensive¹³ structure and beccnne difficult to handle.
　　5. How to Handle Criticism The surgeon reached over and jerked the syringe out of the nurse,s hand. “Jane, that's the sloppiest¹⁴ injection I've ever seen！” he snapped. Quickly, his fingers found the vein¹⁵ she had been searching for. Cheeks burning, Jane turned away. ~Ten years later, Jane's voice still trembles when she relates the experience. Some of our male co-workers have it easier. They grew up encouraged to play team sports, and they had to handle a coach's yells when they droppped the ball. Now they can see that a goof¹⁶ on the job is like dropping the ball in football； the fumble¹⁷ is embarrassing, but you take it in stride and go on.
　　But for most women, the path to success was different. As girls, we grew up wanting to be popular； we were praised for what we were, not for what we did. So our reaction to criticism is often, “Someone doesn't like me. I failed to please. I'm a failure.”“I get defensive,” says Rhonda, a teacher, “When someone criticizes me, suddenly I'm a little girl again, being scolded, and I want to make excuses. I want to explain that it's not my fault-it's someone else's, or I want to hide and cry.”
　　6. Take a Tactful Approach How about giving criticism？ The old “I-want-to-be-liked” syndrome¹⁸ can make it as hard to give criticism as to take it. Karen thinks she's found the answer.“Two weeks after I was promoted to first-line supervisor,” she remembers, “I had to tell a friend that she was in trouble for not turning in her weekly reports on time. My boss suggested that I tell Judy I didn't want to fix the blame-I just wanted to fix the problem. That was wonderful advice. It allowed me to state the problem objectively to Judy and she olfered the solution.”
　　Criticism in the workplace, whether you're giving it or getting it, is always more effective when you focus on the task rather than on the person. Fixing the problem, not thc？blame, means that nobody has to feel chewed out or chewed up. We can still feel whole and learn something in the process.

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