"It's a ‘who,' Majesty¹!" cried the White Rabbit, popping out of the bushes behind Alice. "This is … um …"

"Um?" echoed the Red Queen.

"From Umbradge," Alice added hastily.

The Queen looked skeptical². "What happened to your clothes?"

"I outgrew³ them," said Alice, quite honestly. Sensing this would not be enough of an answer, she began to improvise⁴. "I've been growing an awful lot lately. I tower over everyone in Umbradge… . They laugh at me. So I've come to you, hoping you might understand what it's like."

There was a long, tense pause as the Red Queen studied her with narrowed eyes. At last she said, "My dear girl. Anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court."

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" chorused the courtiers, doubling over with peals⁵ of exaggerated laughter.

"SOMEONE FIND HER SOME CLOTHES!" bellowed⁶ the queen. "USE THE CURTAINS IF YOU MUST, BUT CLOTHE THIS ENORMOUS GIRL!" A flurry of activity ensued as pages and servants went dashing off in all directions. The Queen gave Alice a conspiratorial⁷ look. "You'll be my new favorite."

The courtiers weren't laughing anymore. They huffed jealously and glared at Alice in a threatening, competitive way. Lady Long Ears looked especially displeased⁸.

But Alice didn't have even a moment to think about that, as she was whirled off to the castle and draped with enough fabric⁹ to cover Buckingham Palace. Long red velvet¹⁰ curtains tied with a gold colored rope restored her decency¹¹, but the whole ensemble¹² looked rather strange. She tugged¹³ a loose edge over her shoulder as she hurried down a long hall after the Red Queen.

All around her, animals were hard at work doing things they were never intended to do. She could see that hedgehogs and flamingos¹⁴ were not the only ones suffering in the Red Queen's court. Overhead, exhausted¹⁵ birds flapped their wings painfully, trying to stay aloft to hold up the Queen's lamps in their beaks¹⁶. At the edges of the hall, the tables and chairs had no legs; instead, they were held up by monkeys, their furry¹⁷ arms trembling with exertion¹⁸. The footfrogs that stood at attention as the Queen swept past all looked petrified¹⁹.

They reached the Queen's elaborate throne room, which was furnished in much the same way. An ornate throne stood at the far end on legs made of terrified spider monkeys. Without so much as a glance at the monkeys, the Queen plopped down on the throne, and they all strained under her weight. The Red Queen kicked off her shoes and waved one small hand in the air.

"I need a pig here!" she called.

Immediately, a small pig hurried over from an alcove²⁰ and lay down belly²¹-up in front of her. The Queen put her bare feet on its belly and sighed contentedly²².

"I love a warm pig belly for my aching feet," she said. She turned her attention to Alice. "Would you like one, Um?"

"No, thank you," Alice replied.

"Sit! Sit!" the Red Queen told Alice.

Alice gingerly sat on the largest chair she could find, doing her best to keep her newly enormous weight off the poor monkeys underneath²³ her. She could see their long drooping²⁴ tails spiraling out on either side of the chair.

The Red Queen flapped her hands at the three courtiers. "Go away," she ordered. They left, casting dark jealous looks at Alice. "Where are my Fatboys?" the queen went on. "You must meet them! Fatboys!"

To Alice's horror, the pair that were dragged into the room were Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Their cheerful round faces were glum²⁵ now, and garishly²⁶ painted. White powder had been heavily applied²⁷ and red hearts had been painted on their cheeks. Redheart lips added to the monstrous²⁸ look, and a long gold belt bound them together around their waists. Their eyes were lowered to the marble floor, their whole posture²⁹ downtrodden and hopeless.

"There they are!" squealed³⁰ the Red Queen, clapping her hands. "Aren't they adorable? And they have the oddest way of speaking. Speak, boys! Amuse us!

"Speak!"

Tweedledee lifted his eyes and saw Alice for the first time. He nudged his brother with his elbow. "Is that being … ?" he started.

Alice lifted one finger to her lips and shook her head slightly.

"No, it isn't," said Tweedledum, a spark of hope flaring³¹ in his eyes. "Not a bit. No."

Tweedledee blinked, puzzled. He had missed Alice's gesture. "Contrariwise, I believe it is so—"

"No!" Tweedledun cut him off. "It ain't so. No-how!" He stomped³² on his brother's foot to silence him. Disgruntled, Tweedledee pinched him, and Tweedledum pinched back.

The Queen laughed raucously³³. "I love my Fatboys. Now, get out."

Casting last, pleading glances at Alice, the Tweedles rolled out of the room. As they exited, they passed Stayne, the Knave³⁴ of Hearts, coming in. The Red Queen clasped her hands and fluttered her eyelashes at him seductively. Stayne repressed a shudder³⁵, but when the Queen extended her hand to him, he kissed it.

A pair of Red Knights³⁶ left the room. Stayne noticed Alice and his eyebrows³⁷ went up. "And who is this lovely creature?" He took Alice's hand, looking at her intensely. Alice tried to look blandly³⁸ polite and uninteresting, as her mother had often tried to teach her for meeting crowds of people at horrible garden parties. But her heart beat a little faster with fear at being so close to the man who'd been hunting her. She did not like the way he studied her.

"Um, my new favorite," said the Queen, answering Stayne's question.

"Does she have a name?" asked the Knave.

"Um," said the Queen.

The Knave of Hearts turned to Alice with an oily smile. "I believe your name has slipped the Queen's mind."

The Red Queen leaned forward and smacked³⁹ him hard. "Her name is Um. Idiot.

"Any luck with the prisoner?" the Queen asked. Alice's ears perked⁴⁰ up. Prisoner?

"He's stubborn," grumbled⁴¹ the Knave. His birthmark flared⁴² brightly across his face.

"You're too soft," snapped the Queen. "Bring him!"

He did not talk back to the Queen, but Alice could see a dangerous anger smoldering⁴³ in his eyes.

A clatter⁴⁴ at the door announced the arrival of the guards with their prisoner. Alice had to stifle⁴⁵ a gasp⁴⁶ as they dragged the Hatter into the room, chained by his hands and feet. Bruises⁴⁷ covered his face and blood soaked through his clothes. He'd clearly been roughed up. His eyes had an empty, faraway stare. The Queen seized a hunk of his hair and lifted his head to meet her eyes, but he barely seemed to see her.

"We know Alice has returned to Underland," snarled⁴⁸ the Queen. "Do you know where she is?"

The Hatter didn't respond. Scowling⁴⁹, the Queen clapped her hands in front of his face, and he jerked back to the moment. His eyes cleared and focused a bit, but he still didn't see Alice.

"I've been considering things that begin with the letter M: moron⁵⁰, mutiny, murder, malice⁵¹ …" he said.

"We're looking for an A word now," the Queen responded. "Where is Alice?"

The Hatter furrowed⁵² his brow as if he were thinking hard. After a moment, a look of inspiration crossed his face, then paused and retreated. He considered again for a long while and finally shrugged⁵³.

"Who? That wee little boy? I wouldn't know."

The Red Queen scowled⁵⁴ even more. "What if I take off your head, will you know then?"

The Hatter snickered.

"Stop that!" the Queen snapped.

Suddenly the Hatter's gaze found Alice. Surprised at her new size, he gave her a wry⁵⁵ smile, then turned back to the Queen, smarmy⁵⁶ and unctuous⁵⁷.

"What a regrettably large head you have," he said smoothly⁵⁸. "I should very much like to hat it."

"Hat it?" echoed the Queen.

"Yes. I used to hat the White Queen, you know," he said. "But there wasn't very much for me to work with, poor dear. Her head is so small."

"It's tiny! A pimple⁵⁹ of a head!" The Red Queen snorted.

"But this!" the Hatter went on, acting⁶⁰ rapturous. "What I could do with this monument … this orb⁶¹. Nay⁶², this magnificently heroic globe!"

"What could you do?" asked the Queen, intrigued⁶³ despite herself.

The Hatter lifted his bound hands in a helpless gesture.

"Untie⁶⁴ him, Stayne!" the Queen ordered. "How can he work if his hands are bound?"

The Knave rolled his eyes, but he unbound the Hatter's hands without arguing. The Hatter began to circle the Queen, his hands outlining elegant images in the air.

"Well, then, shall it be a bonnet⁶⁵ or a boater," he mused⁶⁶, "or something for the boudoir?" His voice rose in pitch, becoming more manic as he went on. "Cloche, dunce hat, death cap, coif, snood, barboosh, pugree, yarmulke, cockle-hat, porkpie, tam-o'-shanter, billycock, bicorn, tricorn, bandeau, bongrace, fan-tail, nightcap, garibaldi, fez …"

Alice could see he would lose the Queen if he wasn't pulled back from the edge of madness again. She pretended to sneeze into her hand so she could let out a muffled⁶⁷: "HATTER!"

He jerked back, present again. "Fez … Fez."

The Red Queen looked down her nose at Alice and Stayne. "Leave us."

Alice was only too glad to get up and leave that room, although she worried about leaving the Hatter alone with the Queen. On the other hand, at least it took the Knave away from him; he was obviously more suspicious of the Hatter than the Red Queen was.

 

“这是个人，陛下！”白兔子从爱丽丝身后的灌木丛里蹿了出来，高声说道，“这是……嗯……”

“嗯？”红皇后重复着白兔子的话。

“我来自安布瑞奇。”爱丽丝赶忙加了句。

红皇后狐疑地看着她，问道：“你的衣服怎么了？”

“被我撑爆了。”爱丽丝回答，语气非常诚恳。意识到这个回答可能还不够巧妙，她开始即兴发挥。“我最近长得有点太快了，比安布瑞奇所有的人都高……他们都嘲笑我。所以我投奔您来了，希望您能体谅我的处境。”

红皇后眯着眼睛打量爱丽丝时，紧张的气氛持续了好一会儿。终于，她开口说：“亲爱的小姑娘，我的地盘欢迎任何一个长着大脑袋的人。”

“哈哈哈哈哈……”侍臣们齐声大笑，夸张的笑声一阵压过一阵。

“来人给她找身衣服！”红皇后大喊着，“实在不行就用窗帘，总之要给这个大块头姑娘弄件衣服！”侍从和仆人们立马向各个方向奔去，随即引起了一阵骚动。红皇后狡诈地看了爱丽丝一眼说：“你将会成为我的新宠。”

侍臣们的笑声戛然而止。他们气鼓鼓的，一脸妒忌，用恐吓、挑衅的眼神瞪着她。长耳朵女士看起来格外生气。

但是爱丽丝可没有闲工夫去想这些事。她急忙转身朝城堡走去。裹在她身上的那些布料都足以把白金汉宫给盖住了。用金色皮带系在腰间的红色天鹅绒长窗帘恢复了她端庄的姿态，但整套行头看起来却怪怪的。跟着红皇后匆忙地走过长廊时，爱丽丝把松散的衣边往肩上提了提。

在她周围，动物们努力干着自己永远也不想干的工作。她发现在红皇后的地盘里受苦的并不只有小刺猬和火烈鸟。头顶上，精疲力竭的鸟儿费力地扑腾着翅膀，努力用嘴挑起红皇后的灯具，让它悬挂在空中。大厅边缘的那些桌子和椅子都没有腿；相反，它们全都由猴子支撑着。那些猴子毛茸茸的手臂累得直发抖。当红皇后的目光扫过来时，那些立正站好的蛙仆人都吓呆了。

她们来到红皇后精心布置的觐见室，里面陈列的家具大同小异。宫殿尽头摆放着一张华美无比的王座，由一群惶恐不安的蜘蛛猴支撑着。甚至瞥都没瞥一眼，红皇后就扑通一声坐了下去，这些猴子都在下面硬撑着。红皇后踢掉鞋子，小手在空中一挥。

“给我找只猪垫脚！”她大喊。

一只小猪立刻从壁龛中冲了过来，仰面躺在她跟前。红皇后把光着的脚丫放在猪肚子上，心满意足地舒了口气。

“我喜欢把酸痛的双脚搁在小猪暖暖的肚皮上。”她说。随即把目光转向爱丽丝，问道：“你要试一下吗，嗯？”

“不用，谢谢。”爱丽丝回答。

“坐下！坐下！”红皇后对她说。

爱丽丝找了张最大的椅子小心翼翼地坐下，尽量使自己这个新来的大块头让座椅下那些可怜的猴子好受点。她看见猴子们有气无力的长尾巴在椅子两侧盘成了圈。

红皇后朝三个侍臣摆了摆手，命令道：“退下！”他们离开时，向爱丽丝投来了阴险、嫉妒的眼神。红皇后继续问道：“我的那对胖小子呢？你可得见见他们！胖小子！”

让爱丽丝震惊的是，被拖进来的这对胖小子正是叮叮和咚咚两人。他们欢快的圆脸现在变得忧郁起来，还画着俗气的妆容。脸上抹了一层厚厚的粉底，脸颊上还涂着颗红心。心形的红嘴唇让他们看起来更加怪异，一条金色的长皮带将他们连腰绑在一起。低垂的眼睛盯着大理石地板，整个人看起来像是受尽了蹂躏，心灰意冷。

“他们来了！”红皇后拍着手高兴地叫道，“是不是很可爱？他们说起话来非常奇怪。快说，胖小子！逗我们乐乐！”

“快说！”

叮叮抬起头，一眼就看到了爱丽丝。他用胳膊肘推搡着弟弟，开口问道：“这不是那个……？”

爱丽丝竖起一根手指放在嘴唇边，轻轻摇了摇头。

“不，不是的！”咚咚看到后，眼中燃起了希望的火花，“根本不是，不是！”

叮叮眨着眼睛，困惑不已。他没注意到爱丽丝的手势。“恰好相反，我相信就是……”

“不是！”咚咚立马打断他，“真的不是，肯定不是！”他重重地踩了弟弟一脚让他住嘴。叮叮怨恨地掐了他一把，咚咚立即还手。

红皇后笑得嗓子都哑了。“我喜欢这对胖小子。现在滚出去吧。”

这对双胞胎朝爱丽丝投去最后一丝恳求的眼神，就滚了出去。他们离开时，正好碰到黑骑士斯塔亚尼进来。红皇后双手紧握，魅惑地朝他眨了眨眼睛。斯塔亚尼强忍着心中的战栗，但红皇后向他伸出手时，他还是吻了一下。

两个红骑士离开了房间。此时斯塔亚尼注意到了爱丽丝，扬起眉毛问：“这位美人儿是谁啊？”说完便握住爱丽丝的手，热情地看着她。爱丽丝努力摆出一副温和有礼又毫无兴趣的样子，就像母亲常常教她应付令人讨厌的花园派对上成群的宾客一样。但同这个一直追捕自己的男人离得这么近，爱丽丝吓得心跳加速。爱丽丝也不喜欢斯塔亚尼这样打量她。

“嗯，我的新宠。”红皇后回答着斯塔亚尼的问题。

“她叫什么？”斯塔亚尼问。

“嗯。”红皇后说。

黑骑士油滑地朝着爱丽丝笑了笑，说：“我想女王陛下未能记住你的芳名。”

红皇后俯身上前狠狠地给了他一巴掌。“她叫嗯！蠢货！”

“犯人有什么消息吗？”她接着问。听到这句话时，爱丽丝竖起了耳朵。犯人？

“他顽固不化。”黑骑士抱怨道。脸上的那块胎记因愤怒而异常显眼。

红皇后厉喝一声：“你太温柔了，把他带上来！”

他没有顶嘴，但爱丽丝可以看到他眼中强压着的充满危险的愤怒。

门口哗哗啦啦的声音昭示着看守带着犯人来了。他们把疯帽子拖进来时，铁链锁住了他的手脚，爱丽丝强忍住了心中的惊讶。他满脸瘀伤，鲜血从衣服上渗了出来。显然，疯帽子惨遭毒打。他眼神空洞，神情恍惚。红皇后一把扯住疯帽子的一撮头发，揪起他的脑袋与他四目相对，但他似乎看不见她。

“我们知道爱丽丝已经回到地下世界，”红皇后怒吼着，“你知道她在哪儿吗？”

疯帽子一言不发。红皇后皱起眉头在他面前拍了拍手，他这才猛地回过神来。他的眼睛又有了光彩，注意力更集中了点，但还是没有注意到爱丽丝。

“我一直在想着以字母M开头的事：蠢货、哗变、谋杀、怨恨……”他说。

“我们现在在找以A开头的。爱丽丝在哪儿？”红皇后回应道。

疯帽子眉头紧锁，似乎在努力地思考。不一会儿，他的脸上闪过一丝灵光，然后又消失了，恢复到原来的表情。他又考虑了好一会儿，最终无奈地耸了耸肩膀。

“谁？那个小不点男孩吗？我不知道。”

红皇后的眉头皱得更厉害了。“如果我砍下你的脑袋，你是不是就知道了？”

疯帽子傻笑着。

“别笑了！”红皇后大喝一声。

突然间，疯帽子注意到了爱丽丝。她的新个头儿让他很是吃惊，疯帽子对她苦笑一下，然后又转向红皇后，虚情假意地说起了奉承话。

“真可惜了您这么大一颗脑袋，”他平静地说，“我多想给它做顶帽子啊！”

“做顶帽子？”红皇后重复着他的话。

“对。我以前是给白皇后做帽子的，您是知道的，”他说，“但我发挥的空间也不多，因为那可怜的宝贝儿脑袋太小了。”

“简直是一丁点儿！一个脓包大小的脑袋！”红皇后轻蔑地说。

“但是这个不一样！”疯帽子装出一副兴高采烈的样子，继续说，“我能为这颗不朽的杰作……这颗球。不对，这颗极其高尚的球体！”

“你能做什么？”红皇后忍不住好奇地问道。

疯帽子举起被铐住的双手，摆出一副无能为力的样子。

“给他解开，斯塔亚尼！”红皇后命令道，“铐着他的手他怎么工作？”

斯塔亚尼满腹狐疑地转着眼珠，但他还是乖乖地解开了疯帽子的手铐。疯帽子开始围着红皇后打转，双手在空中比画出精美的帽子。

“好吧，那么，您要做顶无边软帽，还是平顶草帽呢？”他若有所思地说道，“抑或是卧室寝帽？”他的声音逐渐高昂，越来越兴奋。“钟形帽、尖顶纸帽、 蘑菇帽、头巾、 发网、遮阳头巾、圆顶小帽、海扇帽、卷边帽、苏格兰便帽、小礼帽、双角帽、三角帽、束发带、鸭舌帽、尾扇帽、睡帽、宽缘帽、土耳其毡帽……”

爱丽丝察觉到，如果疯帽子再不停止那些疯言疯语，红皇后就没耐心了。她假装朝手上打了个喷嚏，乘机含糊地叫了声：“疯帽子！”

他猛地清醒过来，再次让自己镇定下来。“土耳其毡帽……土耳其毡帽。”

红皇后轻蔑地看着爱丽丝和斯塔亚尼，说：“退下。”

尽管爱丽丝因留下疯帽子与红皇后独处一室而有所担心，但她还是非常高兴地起身离开了那个房间。另一方面，至少这道命令把黑骑士从他身旁支走了；显然他比红皇后更怀疑疯帽子。

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