Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and headjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine grandfather port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie daks while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly¹ quid pro² quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse. When apathy³ replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex kitten becomes "her indoors"

Six key indicators⁴ of when the honeymoon⁵ period has finished.

Addictions
Before:
You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After:
For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash⁶ and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

Bodily functions
Before:
You spray aerosol⁷ after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After:
You fart in front of her with impunity⁸ and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake⁹ for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious¹⁰.

Relations/Friends
Before:
Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed¹¹ girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think isreally nice.

After:
Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist¹² with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind slipping her one if the opportunity arose.

Sex
Before:
Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp¹³ that lasts for hours. You fuck to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned¹⁴ tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Fucking four times a day is not uncommon¹⁵.

After:
A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

Attention span
Before:
Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive¹⁶; her anecdotes¹⁷ about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After:
Your eyes glaze¹⁸ over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

The flip¹⁹ side
Before:
She thinks you are witty²⁰, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive²¹, loving, faithful and devoid²² of all crass²³ male habits which have plagued her previous relationships ... but she suspects that you're full of shit.

After:
She knows you're full of shit

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