A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend.

I can't believe that outfit¹ she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hadn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse² enough to distract her.)

I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case.

Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but it's gone now, thank you very much!

Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron³.

I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage⁴ your drool).

I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).

Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine.)