Sample Work

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Unedited Version (the "Before")

School Daze¹

I have to admit that I will not look fondly on my high school career. I spent most of my study time going out with my friends. I felt that I was paying my dues with the eight hours of boredom² that began most of my days. Until now there were only a few classes that I enjoyed. In retrospect³, I believe that it was my inability to choose the classes I took which resulted in my lack of enthusiasm on the ride to school each morning.

I must also acknowledge my role in my transcript’s substandard showing. As my SAT and ACT scores indicate, I have the potential to achieve success in any field chosen. However, I have procrastinated⁴ and failed to apply myself to my studies. This year I have made and earnest effort to improve my work ethic⁵. My grade point average is rising and my study habits are improving. I know that I can continue with this improvement.

I have often wondered what it would be like to experience the freedom of choosing my own class schedule. This has to be infinitely⁶ more stimulating⁷ and enjoyable. I am also aware that college will be significantly more challenging, but I have always found it easier to study for a class that interests me. I am willing to accept the fact that as long as I am in school, there will be required courses which may not engender⁸ excitement or enthusiasm; however, success should not be as difficult to achieve due to the maturity⁹ that is developing during this last year of high school. In addition, I have gained an understanding of the benefit of being well rounded. There is value in all classes taken. It helps to know that even my least favorite subject will contribute to the ultimate goal of personal and career development.

I will definitely enjoy the independence of campus life. The camaraderie¹⁰, which will develop, should only add to the college experience. The courses will be challenging but I am willing to do what it takes to achieve my ultimate goal, which was alluded¹¹ to earlier. The untapped potential is there. I would like to be given the opportunity to show what I can accomplish.

My GPA is low; about a 2.7. I have been to many different high schools. I have not been academically successful. However, I do fairly well on standardized¹² tests ACT 30 and SAT M660 V640. I've been told by many teachers and counselors¹³ that I will probably do much better in college where I have a little more freedom to choose. Discipline has been a major problem with me. I guess I just want to let the colleges know that I do have the potential to do well and in spite of my lack of effort I have indeed learned so much over the years. I definitely see the wrongness of my ways and know I have limited my college choices because of this.

Edited Version (the "After")

High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop identity and friends in middle school, students are expected to mature immediately on the first day of ninth grade, but I never did this. I never fully¹⁴ realized in the earlier grades how important high school success, as measured by GPA, would be to my future life, and as a result I am applying to college with seemingly contradictory¹⁵ measures of my ability to perform college-level work. If I had worked and studied hard rather than hanging out with friends and viewing high school as an opportunity to socialize, I would not have to apply to school with a 1300 SAT and a 2.7 GPA. Had I taken my grades in my earlier years seriously, I could have been a college's dream candidate.

This year I have made an earnest effort to improve my work ethic. My grade point average is rising and my study habits are improving. However, after performing poorly for three years, my GPA cannot reflect the transformation¹⁶ I underwent at the start of this year. Dedicated¹⁷ to making something of myself, I finally matured and am now trying to lessen¹⁸ the consequences of my past actions. Armed with my new attitude and my understanding of the extreme importance of earning good grades to signal my capacity to work responsibly, I assure you that I will never revert¹⁹ to the student I once was.

In retrospect, I believe that it was my inability to choose my classes that resulted in my lack of enthusiasm on the ride to school each morning. I enjoy the freedom to pursue my own interests and anxiously anticipate the ability to choose my own class schedule in college. While I understand that college will be significantly more challenging than high school, I have always found it easier to study for a class that interests me. I am also willing to accept the fact that as long as I am in school, I will be forced to take required courses that I might be less than enthusiastic about. However, with my new goal-oriented nature, I will realize that I am working towards my college degree and my future success, and I will regain²⁰ the drive to excel. Moreover, I now realize the emptiness in the lives of people who can only do one thing well. There is tremendous benefit in being well-rounded, and I now understand that even my least favorite subject will contribute to my ultimate goal of living a rewarding life while working at a fulfilling career.

I will definitely enjoy the independence of campus life. The camaraderie should only add to the college experience. The courses will be challenging, but I am willing to do what it takes to achieve my ultimate goal. I assure you that I have the potential. I am changed man, hoping that my youthful immaturity²¹ will not have a lasting²² effect on my future success.