My mother taught me... 

　　My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
　　"If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

　　My mother taught me RELIGION
　　"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

　　My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
　　"If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

　　My mother taught me LOGIC¹
　　"Because I said so, that’s why."

　　My mother taught me FORESIGHT²
　　"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident."

　　My mother taught me IRONY³
　　"Keep laughing and I’ll ’give’ you something to cry about."

　　My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
　　"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
　　"Will you ’look’ at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

　　My mother taught me about STAMINA⁴
　　"You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach⁵ is finished."

　　My mother taught me about WEATHER
　　"It looks as if a tornado⁶ swept through your room."

　　My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
　　"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

　　My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY⁷
　　"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times - Don’t exaggerate!"

　　My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
　　"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

　　My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION⁸
　　"Stop acting⁹ like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
　　"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!"
　
　　母亲教会我如何珍惜他人辛苦劳动：
　　“如果你们要打架，到外边打去——我刚整理好房间！”
　　母亲教会我什么是宗教：
　　“你最好祈祷那个东西能从地毯下冒出来。”
　　母亲教会我什么是时间旅行：
　　“你要是不改，我把你一把推到下周三！”(意为：不让过周末。)
　　母亲教会我什么是逻辑：
　　“为什么？因为我就是这么说的！”
　　母亲教会我什么是远见：
　　“一定要穿干净内衣，以防万一你遇到事故。”
　　母亲教会我什么是柔体杂技：
　　“你能不能看看你脖子后面的泥！”
　　母亲教会我什么是耐力：
　　“坐在那儿，直到把所有的菠菜吃完。”
　　母亲教会我如何识天气：
　　“好像有龙卷风席卷过你的房间。”
　　母亲教会我如何解决物理学问题：
　　“如果我高声叫喊，是因为我看见有一颗流星正朝你俯冲而来，那你会不会听我的话？”
　　母亲教会我什么是伪善：
　　“如果我曾告诉过你一次，我实际上已告诉过你百万次——不许夸张!”
　　母亲教会我什么是嫉妒：
　　“这世界上有数百万不幸的孩子，他们可没有你这么好的父母。”