Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin¹ and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured² her. Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.'
'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.

'So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'

'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother.

'This is a job for Mama!'