Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity¹ suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer² clear of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

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