A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “So, why the long face?”

 

A penguin¹ walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

 

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in here.” The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”

 

A termite² walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

 

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

 

A grasshopper³ hops⁴ into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity⁵ around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

 

A goldfish flops⁶ into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, “Does your dog bite?” The lady answers, “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies, “He doesn’t. That’s not my dog.”

 

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

 

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

 

A guy walks into a bar in Cork⁷, in Ireland, and asks the barman: “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?” “Are you walking or driving?” asks the barman. “Driving,” says a man. “That’s the quickest way,” says the barman.

 

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker⁸. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?” And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

 

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, “A beer for me and one for my giraffe.” And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?” The man says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

 

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind⁹ legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, “Hey, buddy¹⁰, what are you doing?” And the blind man says, “Don’t mind me. I’m just looking around.”

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