A guy goes to a party one night, and after a couple of hours, he hears the most amazing piano music being played.

He thinks it is the most wonderful music he has ever heard and makes his way over to the pianist.

"I have to say that the music that you are playing is wonderful."

"Thank you very much" says the pianist.

"I've never heard this song before, what is it called?" "I called it 'I shag my wife up the arse and come all over her tits'"

"Bloody¹ hell, that's a bit harsh isn't it? I must say though, that I'm having a party in a couple of weeks and would love you to play at it.

Perhaps you could just tone down the names of the songs that you will be playing - my guests wouldn't approve."

"No problem" says the pianist.

Two weeks later the guy is having his party and the pianist is there and he's playing like a donkey, all the wrong keys - it really is the most dreadful music the guy has ever heard.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the guy.

"I'm so sorry, I know I'm playing badly but I really need a wank."

"A wank - but you're meant to be playing the piano - all my guests are here."

"I know but I can't play well until I've had one."

"OK, OK, go into the bathroom, there are some mags in the cupboard and just get back here as soon as you can."

Ten minutes later the pianist comes back from the bathroom, sits down at the piano and starts playing beautifully, just the way he's meant to.

After a little while a lady walks up to him and says: "Excuse me but do you know your cock's hanging out and you've got spunk² all over your trousers?"

"Know it?" he says,  "I wrote it."