We've all had to start conversations that we dreaded¹ having – everything from asking for a raise to asking for a divorce to asking for help with the laundry. These strategies help the conversation go more smoothly² -- at least, that's the hope.

每个人都曾不得不进行另自己惧怕的谈话——如：要求加薪、提出离婚、请求帮助洗衣。下面的方法帮你让谈话更顺利，至少希望如此。

1. Don't stall. Let's say you need to call an acquaintance whom you haven't seen in a few years to ask for a favor. Don't chat and chat, then casually³ mention the favor at the end. You're not going to fool him about why you called. It's better to say something like, "It's so great to talk to you. I really want to catch up and hear everything that's been going on for the last few years, but first, I have to tell you the reason I called." Otherwise, the person on the other end tends to feel wary⁴ and distracted.

不要拖延。比如：你要打电话给一位认识的人，两人有些年没有见面了，你要让他帮忙。 不要聊个没完，到结束时才突然提出请帮忙的事。对于你打电话的原因，人家心知肚明。最好这样说：“和你聊天真不错。我很想聊聊最近几年的情况，听听发生的每件事，但首先我要告诉你我打电话的理由。” 否则容易让对方警惕和分心。

2. Don't start off angry. If you have to make some sort of charge, of dishonesty or bad service or a screw-up, work yourself into a mild state of mind. Anger inspires anger; accusations⁵ inspire defensiveness⁶. Explain the situation in a straightforward⁷ way. Joke around. Show that you're a reasonable person.

不要怒气冲冲地开始谈话。如果你要对欺骗、差的服务或一次办砸的事做出控诉，那么先让自己情绪缓和。愤怒会激发愤怒；指责会激发抵抗。直接了当地说明情况。开开玩笑。展现出自己是一个讲道理的人。

3. This is obvious, but pick your moment. The Big Girl chooses to pester⁸ me with her pleas to get her ear pierced just before school, just before bed, or when I'm rifling in the refrigerator with a wolfish look. She couldn't pick worse times. Look for a moment of calm, lack of interruption, and physical comfort. Also, if the conversation will be particularly painful to the other person, choose circumstances that are the most comfortable for him or her, not for you. Sometimes, when you're dreading⁹ saying something, you just want to blurt¹⁰ it out and get it over with -- but by waiting, you might get a better result. (See #8 on this, too.)

即使是容易被理解的事情，要说也得选择时机。可我的大闺女总选择在上学前一刻、睡前或我正当带着豺狼般贪婪的面目洗劫冰箱时来纠缠我，恳求我允许她穿耳洞。她选择的时机简直是糟糕透顶。要找一个没有干扰、身体舒适、平静的时刻。而且，如果对话让另一方感到痛苦，那么选择对他/她而言（不是对你而言）最为舒适的环境。有时候，当你害怕说某件事，你只希望脱口而出，然后了事——可是等一会再说，你也许会获得更好的结果（参考第八点）。

4. Think about why the subject is difficult for you. Do you hate to talk about money? Do you shrink from doing anything that smacks¹¹ of self-promotion? Do you dislike confrontation¹²? Are you afraid of someone? Are you concerned about damaging a relationship? One of the most helpful of my Twelve Commandments is "Identify the problem." If you examine why you're dreading a particular conversation, you might be able to tackle it in a different way, or re-frame the issue in a way that's less upsetting.

想一想为什么这话题难以启齿。你讨厌谈论钱吗？带有自荐意味的事情会让你退缩吗？你不喜欢交涉？你害怕某人？你担心破坏一段关系？在我“十二戒律”中最有帮助的一条是“辨认问题”。如果你弄清楚为何害怕某种对话，你也许能采取另一种方式来应对，或者可以用一个不愉快度较低的方式重构问题。

5. Are you certain you need to discuss the difficult subject, at all? Often, you do. Sometimes, you don't. Will it really serve a purpose to have the conversation?

你确信自己有必要去讨论这一困难话题吗？经常是的。但有时候却不是。就算进行了这个对话，你真能达到目的吗？

6. Don't ruminate¹³ about worst-case scenarios¹⁵. It's tempting¹⁶ to imagine every possible way a conversation could go – each worse than the last. But this usually isn't helpful. I have a strong tendency to do this, and never once in my experience has the conversation unfolded with any resemblance to what I imagined. It sometimes goes just as poorly as I'd feared, but never in a way that I'd predicted. So unless you're doing constructive¹⁷ strategizing, don't allow yourself to indulge in negative fantasies.

不要反复考虑最坏的情况。人们总是忍不住设想谈话的各种情形，这些情形一个比一个糟。但是通常这一点用也没有。我也有强烈的倾向去做这些设想，但据我经验来看，实际的对话和我想象中的从来不一样。有时候，它如同我原来害怕的那么糟糕，可绝不是我预测中的那种情形。所以，除非你在做建设性的规划，否则别让自己沉溺于消极幻想当中。

7. In direct conflict with the above tip -- it can nevertheless be useful to ask yourself, "What's the very worst that could happen?" Someone could tell you "No," or laugh in your face, or cry, or yell, or talk about you behind your back. Are these outcomes really so dreadful? Often, bluntly considering the worst-case scenario¹⁴ is actually reassuring¹⁸. But do this in a focused, realistic, limited way. Don't spend hours playing out horrible scenes in your mind.

和前面一条直接矛盾的是——问问自己：“最坏可能发生的是什么？”这还是有用的。有的人会对你说“不”，或当着你的面大笑、哭、大叫，或背后指点。这些结果真的那么令人恐惧吗？往往考虑出最糟糕的情况反倒使你放心。但是，在问自己这个问题时要集中注意力，要现实，有限度。不要花长时间地在脑子里播放恐怖的画面。

8. Can it wait? If you're reacting to something that has just happened, can you postpone¹⁹ the confrontation for a day or two? You might well feel calmer after some time has passed, and even if you still need to have the conversation, you might be able to broach²⁰ it more productively.

能等等再说吗？如果你正处于对刚发生的事情产生的反应中，你能把这次交涉推迟一、两天吗？也许等上一段时间后你会感觉更加镇定些，即便你还需要进行那次谈话，这么做也许能让你更有成效。

9. Use notes. When you're emotionally overwrought, it can be hard to remember exactly what was said. If your boss made criticisms of your work, what EXACTLY did he or she say? If you're at the doctor's office, what EXACTLY did the doctor say? In some cases, like going to the doctor, you may even want to bring another person with you to help process information. You might also want to bring notes to have a list of the points to cover. You might be so eager to end the conversation that you'd rush out of the room too soon, or you might forget everything you wanted to say or ask in the heat of the conversation.

做记录。在情绪过度劳累时，要准确地记住说过的话往往会很难。如果你的老板批评了你的工作，他/她到底对你说了什么？如果你在医生办公室，医生确切地对你说了什么？有些时候，例如看大夫，你也许会希望有一个人陪你去，以帮助消化信息。也许你还希望带上笔记本，列出谈话要点。在一次激烈的谈话种，你可能会很渴望结束谈话，从而会过早地冲出房间，结果忘记了本来要说的、要问的。

10. Write a note instead of having a conversation. When writing, you can pick your words exactly, and by communicating that way, you allow the other person to react privately²¹, with time for reflection. Or you can write a note alerting the person to the fact that a painful conversation is necessary.

用留言代替交谈。在书写时，你能准确地选择词语，而且以这个方式交流，你能让别人有考虑的时间来私底下做出反应。还能写留言来警告某人，进行一次痛苦的对话必不可少。

11. It sounds simplistic, but if you know you're going to broach a difficult subject on a particular day, get plenty of sleep and exercise in the period before. Feeling energetic, well-rested, and calm in body will put you in better spirits.

这一条听上去太简单了。如果你知道某一天你将提出困难的话题，那么之前你需要充分睡眠和锻炼。拥有充沛的精力、良好的休息还有镇定的身体会让你心情愉快。

Obviously, the tips aren't universally applicable. You wouldn't take notes when confronting your teenager, and you wouldn't bring your spouse²² to your performance review. But by thinking constructively²³ about how to broach a difficult subject, you might make it less painful and more productive, for everyone.

显然，以上建议并不是所有情况下都通用。面对自己十来岁的孩子时，你可不会做笔记。你也不会带配偶去参加面试。但是，通过建设性地去考虑如何提出一个困难话题，你也许为每个人减少了谈话的痛苦，增加了谈话的成果。