How would you answer this question: I am out of my abuse and have moved on with my life. There is something that I have been wondering about. How and when does the abuse stop playing a significant part of my life? I have seen others who have moved on and I would like to know how they did it.

对下面的问题你会作何回答：我摆脱了虐待，翻开新的生活。有些事我一直在考虑，从何时开始，如何虐待会停止在我的生活中扮演重要的角色?我见过那些继续生活的人，我想知道他们是如何做到的。

The woman who asked this, asked a valid¹ question. There are many men, women and children who no longer are victims, but feel like they cannot leave it behind. It stays as much a part of themselves as it did while they were being abused. The only difference may be there is no physical or emotional abuse happening in their worlds.

问这个问题的女士所问的问题是有效的。有许多不再是受害者的男人、女人和孩子，可是这些人感到无法将其抛在身后。它就如同过去被虐待时一样还是自己的一部分。唯一的区别是如今在他们的世界没有情感或身体虐待发生。

What is victim mentality²?

什么是受害人思维?

A victim mentality is one where you blame everyone else for what happens in your world. (Another definition not as commonly used is one that says a person thinks the future only holds bad things for them.) If you do not get the promotion³ it is because Mr. Johnson was out to get you. Not because he found you playing on the Internet every day. Your best friend called and said she could not have dinner with you. She is always doing that to you; not showing. You'll show her. You won't invite her when you go out again! Instead of remembering she has just started school and you did call her at the last minute. Victim mentality.

受害人思维是你对自己生活中的一切都指责于别人。(另一个不常用的定义是一个人认为未来只会给他们带来不好的东西)如果你没有获得晋升，那是因为Johnson和你做多。不是因为他发现你成天上网。你最好的朋友打电话说不能和你进餐。她总是那么对你，不来。你将看她颜色看看。当你再出去时就不会请她了。而没有考虑她才刚开学，而你却是在最后一分钟打给她电话。受害人思维。

Recently I spoke⁴ with someone who no longer lives with a victim mentality. She has gone on with her life and is free from some of the extra baggage that come with being a victim. We discussed forgiving our abusers and how in that process you also need to forgive yourself. With that came loosing the victim mentality.

 最近，我和某位不再带着“受害人”思维的人谈话。她继续新的生活，不再有作为受害人要背的额外包袱。我们讨论了如何原谅虐待人，在此过程中你也要如何原谅自己。随之而来的就是释放了受害人思维。

When she was living under the victim mentality she found herself angrier. She found herself swirling⁵ in a sea of resentment⁶ towards her abuser. She stayed locked in that cycle and never seemed to move forward. If she got sick, she became angry at him. If the kids messed up, she became angry at him. He was no longer in the picture, but it was all his fault. It was not hers; he made things this way... Life is easier when you can play the blame game. The blame game makes it easy for your life not to move forward or for you to grow.

当她生活在这种思维下，她发现自己更生气。她发现自己将满腔的愤恨都抛给了她的虐待者。她困在这种循环，似乎永远都不能前进。如果她生病了，那么她会对他生气。如果孩子捣蛋，她会对他生气。那个人不在牵涉，但是全都是他的错；不是她的错；他让事情这样...当你开始做“指责”游戏，生活要容易些。"指责"游戏让你的生活“容易”不前进，让你不成长。

The day came when she tired of the mentality. She wasn't a victim anymore and the time had come for her to move beyond the victim mentality. I asked her how she stopped the self destructive cycle. The first thing she did is something many abuse victims may have a hard time doing. She forgave her abuser. She did not say that she forgave him for breaking her ribs⁷, she acknowledged that he had a problem and that he needed to get help. Wishing him ill will kept him in her mind more then he should have been. By acknowledging that he had hurt her, that he did have a problem, she was able to feel some relief. There was more though. As important as forgiving him was, she needed to forgive herself too. She needed to forgive herself for exposing the kids to the abuse. She needed to forgive herself for not reporting him to the police all the times he had hurt her. She needed to forgive herself for being afraid. She needed to forgive herself for not having walked away all the times she could have. She needed to forgive herself..

有一天，她厌恶了这种思维。她不再是受害人，是时候让她走出这种思维。我问她如何停止这种自我毁灭的循环。她做的第一件事就是许多受害人感到难以去做的。她原谅了她的虐待者。她并没有说因为打断了她的肋骨而原谅，她承认他有问题，需要帮助。诅咒他只会让她依然记着他。通过承认他伤害了她，他确实有问题，她就能获得一些轻松。不过不仅如此。和原谅一样重要的，她需要原谅自己。她需要原谅自己让孩子暴露在虐待环境下。她需要原谅自己在他伤害她这一切的时候没有报警。她需要原谅自己的害怕感觉。她需要原谅自己一直以来本可以却没有离开。她需要原来那个她自己...

She did all those things so she could mentally move forward. Forgiving herself allowed her to get past some of the more intense things she had experienced. The physical bruises⁸ had all gone away. The emotional had stayed. It had clung to her and kept the victim mentality alive.

她做了这一切事情，这才能够精神上前进。原谅自己让她超越了过去感受到的更强烈东西。身体瘀伤过去都好了，可情绪的去依旧还在。它牢牢地握住她，维系着受害人思维。