If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum¹.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass² and find something better.

If you get a promotion³ ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment⁴.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference⁵.

If you cry, you're a wimp⁶.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist⁷ pig, you bastard⁸.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated⁹ woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.