by David Lehman

    We were smoking some of this knockout weed when

    Operation Memory was announced. To his separate bed

    Each soldier went， counting backwards¹ from a hundred

    With a needle in his arm. And there I was， in the middle

    Of a recession， in the middle of a strange city， between jobs

    And apartments and wives. Nobody told me the gun was loaded.

    We'd been drinking since early afternoon. I was loaded.

    The doctor made me recite my name， rank， and serial² number when

    I woke up， sweating， in my civvies. All my friends had jobs

    As professional liars³， and most had partners who were good in bed.

    What did I have？ Just this feeling of always being in the middle

    Of things， and the luck of looking younger than fifty.

    At dawn I returned to draft headquarters. I was eighteen

    And counting backwards. The interviewer asked one loaded

    Question after another， such as why I often read the middle

    Of novels， ignoring their beginnings and their ends. when

    Had I decided⁴ to volunteer for intelligence work？ "In bed

    With a broad，" I answered， with locker-room bravado⁵. The truth was， jobs

    Were scarce， and working on Operation Memory was better than no job

    At all. Unamused， the judge looked at his watch. It was 1970

    By the time he spoke⁶. Recommending clemency⁷， he ordered me to go to bed

    At noon and practice my disappearing act. Someone must have loaded

    The harmless gun on the wall in Act I when

    I was asleep. And there I was， without an alibi⁸， in the middle

    Of a journey down nameless， snow-covered streets， in the middle

    Of a mystery——or a muddle⁹. These were the jobs

    That saved men's souls， or so I was told， but when

    The orphans¹⁰ assembled for their annual reunion， ten

    Years later， on the playing fields of Eton， each unloaded

    A kit¹¹ bag full of troubles， and smiled bravely， and went to bed.

    Thanks to Operation Memory， each of us woke up in a different bed

    Or coffin¹²， with a different partner beside him， in the middle

    Of a war that had never been declared. No one had time to load

    His weapon or see to any of the dozen essential jobs

    Preceding combat duty. And there I was， dodging¹³ bullets， merely one

    In a million whose lucky number had come up. When

    It happened， I was asleep in bed， and when I woke up，

    It was over： I was 38， on the brink of middle age，

    A succession of stupid jobs behind me， a loaded gun on my lap

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