by Claire Bateman

    CONGRATULATIONS！

    You， （insert name here）， have just won A UNIQUE &

    FABULOUS¹ PRIZE.

    Within the next 24 hours， you are GUARANTEED to receive the

    one & only COMB OF THE WORLD——authentic， conveniently

    pocket-sized， the distance between individual teeth measurable

    only by Scanning Electron Microscope （complimentary² cathode-

    ray vacuum tube & fluorescent³ screen included）。

    Yes！ With THE original fine-tooth comb， you can finally bid

    farewell forever to those armies of predatory dust mites⁴

    rampaging through your carpet， the pseudomonads clinging to

    your dishtowel， the fungi⁵ burrowing⁶ through your plaster walls.

    And by simply combing the air around you， you can obtain

    ongoing⁷ relief from bronchial congestion⁸ & occular irritation⁹

    due to such unseen atmospheric¹⁰ impurities¹¹ as volcanic¹² ash；

    pulverized¹³ bone， hair， & skin； magnetized iron filings； residue¹⁴

    of feathers & spider eggs； all varieties of catalytic powders；

    ammoniac， sulfuric， & phosphorescent gasses； chimney soot¹⁵；

    fish scales； anthrax powder； floating ink & gold dust.

    Romance， finances， or career in knots？ THE COMB OF THE

    WORLD's ever-efficient micro-filtrating action is guaranteed

    to loosen & release the psychically¹⁶ constricting¹⁷ clove¹⁸ hitch¹⁹，

    timber hitch， bowline， & slipknot， as well as all varieties of

    syntactical & epistomological entanglings， irrelevancies，

    obfuscations， & infelicities.

    THE COMB OF THE WORLD works wonders with phobias

    & existential misgivings——YOU， yes， YOU will now be able

    to separate wave from particle， fact from inference， truth

    from prevarication²⁰.

    No more shadowy rustlings in the soul's undergrowth. No more

    tough little colonies of unregenerate sadnesses， or ragged²¹

    ambiguities²² scuttling²³ just out of reach. And those nearly

    imperceptible holes migrating through the rippling²⁴ fabric²⁵

    of your etheric body？——you can comb them all out even as

    they rise！

    And last but not least， though we possess only ABSOLUTE

    CONFIDENCE in our product， for your additional security

    & peace of mind， THE TWEEZERS²⁶ OF THE WORLD will be

    included for free.

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