1. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
彪悍的人生不需要解释。

2. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏了！

3. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
直译：如果你始终脚踏实地，那就别想穿裤子了。
意译：人太老实没法活。

4. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个篮子。

5. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！

6. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian¹.
老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。

7. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站……

8. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
在这个世界上，我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你，但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。
吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

9. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
跳楼的时候，“啊——”的时候还没死，“啪！”那才是死了。

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut², and still think they are sexy.
如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等。