Reader question:

In this sentence – He is able to get along with some people but always seems to rub the wrong way with others – what does "rub" mean?

My comments:

"Rub the wrong way" is the phrasal verb to be examined here, "rub" referring to the act of stroking the hair of an animal, pet or beast.

The sentence means the person in question gets along with some people but not with others. The way he keeps rubbing the wrong way with them suggests that he has, say, a different personality or a peculiar¹ way of doing things that others find irksome, irritating, annoying.

Now definitions. "Rub the wrong way" obviously comes from the practice of petting an animal, a cat, a dog, a lion etc. Pets love being cuddled and being stroked. When you stroke them along the way their furs are naturally lined up, you make them purr with comfort and pleasure. However, if you stroke them the other way around, going against the natural lie of their furs, you make them bristle², bite, scratch and snarl³ whichever the case may be – you're rubbing it the wrong way and making them uncomfortable.

It's the same way with all manners of animals, birds, beasts and humans alike. Take donkeys for instance. In China, we have a saying in "顺毛驴子", which refers to people who enjoy being rubbed the right way. If rubbed the wrong way, they might, well, lift a (metaphorical) hoof⁴ on you.

Yes, it is the same with humans. We all love to be cuddled and stroked, figuratively speaking, but not rubbed the wrong way. Let's take bosses, for example. All bosses love fawning⁵ subordinates, which is fine and natural. However, some sorry sycophants⁶ lack the tact⁷ to do it right. They either say wrong things or say the right things at the wrong moments or in front of the wrong people. Result: The poor boss bristles⁸. In Chinese of course we have an apt saying describing this particular situation in "马屁拍到蹄子上". To put it in English word for word: Trying to pat the horse on the backside, you hit him on the hooves instead – so bear with it if the boss, er, kicks back at you.

Anyways, "rub the wrong way", "rub up the wrong way", "rub someone the wrong way" or "rub the wrong way with someone" all mean the same thing: you irritate, annoy and offend them by tactlessly handling a situation, especially a good situation.

Here are a few examples:

1. Rubbed the Wrong Way

She thought a massage⁹ would be soothing¹⁰. Instead she ended up in pain. Here's one woman's account of what can go wrong in a massage – and what to know before you get one.

I'd just finished a book manuscript and wanted to reward myself. I envisioned something luxurious—something to soothe¹¹ mind and body.

I came upon a brochure featuring a $155 spa sampler at a Georgetown salon¹² and made an appointment. My visit was to include a 30-minute facial, a 30-minute massage, and a manicure and pedicure. I was especially looking forward to the massage and imagined leaving with a loosey-goosey glow that would linger for days.

I did, in fact, experience a lingering feeling for days. The feeling was pain.

- Washingtonian.com, March 1, 2008.

2. But big cats, particularly those as self-absorbed as (Nick) Faldo, rarely lose their claws and the slight of 1999 is unlikely to have been forgotten. The outcome of this year's Ryder Cup may depend as much on the European captain's performance as that of the home team's. How many of his own players will he rub up the wrong way by September?

- Faldo's Wild Side in Need of Taming, The Sunday Herald¹³, January 13, 2008.

3. One final word of advice to the person who wants to take Buddhism¹⁴ all the way. Once you have found a suitable tradition, group, and teacher, stay with them. Things will not always go well, and not everything will please you or be as you think it should be. That is inevitable¹⁵ for two reasons. First, because each of us brings to Buddhist¹⁶ training our own set of attachments¹⁷ and delusions¹⁸, they are bound to 'rub the wrong way' against parts of a genuine practice. Second, even the best teacher and group are human and they will make mistakes from time to time. The fact that they sometimes 'mess things up' does not mean that they are unworthy of being your teacher and fellow students: it simply means that their personal training is ongoing¹⁹. Since enlightenment is not a finished thing but rather an ongoing process, and since even the continuous enlightenment of the arahant does not confer omniscience²⁰ or infallibility, mistakes are going to be made. If seekers after Buddha's Way require that their teachers or religious groups meet the ideals floating around inside their own heads, they will never find what they are looking for.