十三、Language Skills

1. Sentence Variety

       Example 1:

Change:  Beijing’s streets are crowded with taxis, company cars and private vehicles owned by the newly affluent¹. The number has been rising rapidly in the last few years. The latest statistics show there are now 1.2 million vehicles in Beijing alone.

    To:  Taxis, company cars and private vehicles owned by the newly affluent have crammed² Beijing’s streets in rising numbers in the last few years--1.2 million vehicles at last count.

       Example 2:

          Change:  Thousands of buildings met the same fate. This alone is now being preserved. It marks the center of the nuclear explosion. It is being preserved as a symbol. It symbolizes⁴ our wish that there be no more Hiroshimas.

    To:  Of the thousands of buildings that met the same fate, this alone, marking the center of the nuclear explosion, is now being preserved to symbolize³ our wish that there be no more Hiroshimas.

  Example 3:

Change:  It was quite obvious at that time that IQ equals intelligence. Since then, however, many people have seriously criticized the idea.

    To:  The idea that IQ equals intelligence seemed obvious at the time but has since come under much criticism.

Parallel Structure

Example 1:

Change:  He retired⁵ respected by his associates, admired by his friends, and his employees loved him.

    To:  He retired respected by his associates, admired by his friends, and Loved by his employees.

Example 2:

Change:  As a young man he had been to Shanghai, had fought in the Anti-Japanese War, and following the Nationalist Party to Chongking.

    To:  As a young man he had been to Shanghai, had fought in the Anti-Japanese War, and had followed the Nationalist Party to Chongking.

 Example 3:

Change:  This could be a problem for both the winners and for those who lose.

    To:  This could be a problem for both the winners and the losers.

Example 4:

Change:  The sentences are difficult to understand, not because they are long but they are obscure.

    To:  The sentences are difficult to understand, not because they are long but because they are obscure.

Example 5:

Change:  He explained that the advertising⁶ campaign had been successful, business had increased more than forty percent, and additional capital was sorely needed.

To:   He explained that the advertising campaign had been successful, that business had increased more than forty percent, and that additional capital was sorely needed.