26

    He came and sat by my side but I woke not. What a cursed sleep it was，

    O miserable¹ me！

    He came when the night was still； he had his harp² in his hands， and my

    dreams became resonant³ with its melodies.

    Alas⁴， why are my nights all thus lost？ Ah， why do I ever miss his

    sight whose breath touches my sleep？

    27

    Light， oh where is the light？ Kindle⁵ it with the burning fire of

    desire！

    There is the lamp but never a flicker⁶ of a flame——is such thy fate，

    my heart？ Ah， death were better by far for thee！

    Misery⁷ knocks at thy door， and her message is that thy lord is

    wakeful， and he calls thee to the love-tryst⁸ through the darkness of

    night.

    The sky is overcast⁹ with clouds and the rain is ceaseless. I know not

    what this is that stirs in me——I know not its meaning.

    A moment's flash of lightning drags down a deeper gloom on my sight，

    and my heart gropes for the path to where the music of the night calls

    me.

    Light， oh where is the light！ Kindle it with the burning fire of

    desire！ It thunders and the wind rushes screaming through the void.

    The night is black as a black stone. Let not the hours pass by in the

    dark. Kindle the lamp of love with thy life.

    28

    Obstinate¹⁰ are the trammels， but my heart aches when I try to break

    them.

    Freedom is all I want， but to hope for it I feel ashamed.

    I am certain that priceless wealth is in thee， and that thou art my

    best friend， but I have not the heart to sweep away the tinsel that

    fills my room

    The shroud¹¹ that covers me is a shroud of dust and death； I hate it，

    yet hug it in love.

    My debts are large， my failures great， my shame secret and heavy； yet

    when I come to ask for my good， I quake in fear lest my prayer be

    granted.

    29

    He whom I enclose with my name is weeping in this dungeon¹². I am ever

    busy building this wall all around； and as this wall goes up into the

    sky day by day I lose sight of my true being in its dark shadow.

    I take pride in this great wall， and I plaster it with dust and sand

    lest a least hole should be left in this name； and for all the care I

    take I lose sight of my true being.

    30

    I came out alone on my way to my tryst. But who is this that follows

    me in the silent dark？

    I move aside to avoid his presence but I escape him not. He makes the

    dust rise from the earth with his swagger； he adds his loud voice to

    every word that I utter.

    He is my own little self， my lord， he knows no shame； but I am ashamed

    to come to thy door in his company.

    31

    Prisoner， tell me， who was it that bound you？'

    `It was my master，' said the prisoner. `I thought I could outdo

    everybody in the world in wealth and power， and I amassed¹⁴ in my own

    treasure-hose the money due to my king. When sleep overcame me I lay

    upon the bad that was for my lord， and on waking up I found I was a

    prisoner in my own treasure-house.'

    `Prisoner， tell me， who was it that wrought¹⁵ this unbreakable chain？'

    `It was I，' said the prisoner， `who forged this chain very carefully.

    I thought my invincible¹⁶ power would hold the world captive leaving me

    in a freedom undisturbed. Thus night and day I worked at the chain

    with huge fires and cruel hard strokes. When at last the work was done

    and the links were complete and unbreakable， I found that it held me

    in its grip.'

    32

    By all means they try to hold me secure who love me in this world. But

    it is otherwise with thy love which is greater than theirs， and thou

    keepest me free.

    Lest I forget them they never venture to leave me alone. But day

    passes by after day and thou art not seen.

    If I call not thee in my prayers， if I keep not thee in my heart， thy

    love for me still waits for my love.

    33

    When it was day they came into my house and said， `We shall only take

    the smallest room here.'

    They said， `We shall help you in the worship of your God and humbly¹⁷

    accept only our own share in his grace'； and then they took their seat

    in a corner and they sat quiet and meek¹⁸.

    But in the darkness of night I find they break into my sacred shrine¹⁹，

    strong and turbulent， and snatch with unholy greed the offerings from

    God's altar.

    34

    Let only that little be left of me whereby I may name thee my all.

    Let only that little be left of my will whereby I may feel thee on

    every side， and come to thee in everything， and offer to thee my love

    every moment.

    Let only that little be left of me whereby I may never hide thee.

    Let only that little of my fetters²¹ be left whereby I am bound with thy

    will， and thy purpose is carried out in my life——and that is the

    fetter²⁰ of thy love.

    35

    Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high；

    Where knowledge is free；

    Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow

    domestic walls；

    Where words come out from the depth of truth；

    Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection；

    Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary²²

    desert sand of dead habit；

    Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever-widening thought and

    action——

    Into that heaven of freedom， my Father， let my country awake.

    36

    This is my prayer to thee， my lord——strike， strike at the root of

    penury²³ in my heart.

    Give me the strength lightly to bear my joys and sorrows.

    Give me the strength to make my love fruitful in service.

    Give me the strength never to disown the poor or bend my knees before

    insolent²⁴ might.

    Give me the strength to raise my mind high above daily trifles.

    And give me the strength to surrender my strength to thy will with

    love.

    37

    I thought that my voyage had come to its end at the last limit of my

    power，——that the path before me was closed， that provisions were

    exhausted²⁵ and the time come to take shelter in a silent obscurity.

    But I find that thy will knows no end in me. And when old words die

    out on the tongue， new melodies break forth²⁶ from the heart； and where

    the old tracks are lost， new country is revealed with its wonders.

    38

    That I want thee， only thee——let my heart repeat without end. All

    desires that distract me， day and night， are false and empty to the

    core.

    As the night keeps hidden in its gloom the petition for light， even

    thus in the depth of my unconsciousness rings the cry——`I want thee，

    only thee'.

    As the storm still seeks its end in peace when it strikes against

    peace with all its might， even thus my rebellion strikes against thy

    love and still its cry is——`I want thee， only thee'.

    39

    When the heart is hard and parched²⁷ up， come upon me with a shower of

    mercy.

    When grace is lost from life， come with a burst of song.

    When tumultuous work raises its din¹³ on all sides shutting me out from

    beyond， come to me， my lord of silence， with thy peace and rest.

    When my beggarly heart sits crouched²⁸， shut up in a corner， break open

    the door， my king， and come with the ceremony of a king.

    When desire blinds the mind with delusion²⁹ and dust， O thou holy one，

    thou wakeful， come with thy light and thy thunder.

    40

    The rain has held back for days and days， my God， in my arid³⁰ heart.

    The horizon is fiercely naked——not the thinnest cover of a soft

    cloud， not the vaguest hint of a distant cool shower.

    Send thy angry storm， dark with death， if it is thy wish， and with

    lashes³¹ of lightning startle the sky from end to end.

    But call back， my lord， call back this pervading³² silent heat， still

    and keen and cruel， burning the heart with dire³³ despair.

    Let the cloud of grace bend low from above like the tearful look of

    the mother on the day of the father's wrath³⁴.

    41

    Where dost thou stand behind them all， my lover， hiding thyself in the

    shadows？ They push thee and pass thee by on the dusty road， taking

    thee for naught³⁵. I wait here weary hours spreading my offerings for

    thee， while passers-by come and take my flowers， one by one， and my

    basket is nearly empty.

    The morning time is past， and the noon. In the shade of evening my

    eyes are drowsy³⁶ with sleep. Men going home glance at me and smile and

    fill me with shame. I sit like a beggar maid， drawing my skirt over my

    face， and when they ask me， what it is I want， I drop my eyes and

    answer them not.

    Oh， how， indeed， could I tell them that for thee I wait， and that thou

    hast promised to come. How could I utter for shame that I keep for my

    dowry this poverty. Ah， I hug this pride in the secret of my heart.

    I sit on the grass and gaze upon the sky and dream of the sudden

    splendour of thy coming——all the lights ablaze³⁷， golden pennons flying

    over thy car， and they at the roadside standing³⁸ agape， when they see

    thee come down from thy seat to raise me from the dust， and set at thy

    side this ragged³⁹ beggar girl a-tremble with shame and pride， like a

    creeper in a summer breeze.

    But time glides⁴⁰ on and still no sound of the wheels of thy chariot.

    Many a procession passes by with noise and shouts and glamour⁴¹ of

    glory. Is it only thou who wouldst stand in the shadow silent and

    behind them all？ And only I who would wait and weep and wear out my

    heart in vain longing⁴²？

    42

    Early in the day it was whispered that we should sail in a boat， only

    thou and I， and never a soul in the world would know of this our

    pilgrimage to no country and to no end.

    In that shoreless ocean， at thy silently listening smile my songs

    would swell⁴³ in melodies， free as waves， free from all bondage⁴⁴ of

    words.

    Is the time not come yet？ Are there works still to do？ Lo， the evening

    has come down upon the shore and in the fading light the seabirds come

    flying to their nests.

    Who knows when the chains will be off， and the boat， like the last

    glimmer⁴⁵ of sunset， vanish into the night？

    43

    The day was when I did not keep myself in readiness for thee； and

    entering my heart unbidden even as one of the common crowd， unknown to

    me， my king， thou didst press the signet of eternity⁴⁶ upon many a

    fleeting⁴⁷ moment of my life.

    And today when by chance I light upon them and see thy signature， I

    find they have lain scattered⁴⁸ in the dust mixed with the memory of

    joys and sorrows of my trivial days forgotten.

    Thou didst not turn in contempt from my childish play among dust， and

    the steps that I heard in my playroom are the same that are echoing

    from star to star.

    44

    This is my delight， thus to wait and watch at the wayside where shadow

    chases light and the rain comes in the wake of the summer.

    Messengers， with tidings from unknown skies， greet me and speed along

    the road. My heart is glad within， and the breath of the passing

    breeze is sweet.

    From dawn till dusk I sit here before my door， and I know that of a

    sudden the happy moment will arrive when I shall see.

    In the meanwhile I smile and I sing all alone. In the meanwhile the

    air is filling with the perfume of promise.

    45

    Have you not heard his silent steps？ He comes， comes， ever comes.

    Every moment and every age， every day and every night he comes， comes，

    ever comes.

    Many a song have I sung in many a mood of mind， but all their notes

    have always proclaimed， `He comes， comes， ever comes.'

    In the fragrant⁴⁹ days of sunny April through the forest path he comes，

    comes， ever comes.

    In the rainy gloom of July nights on the thundering chariot of clouds

    he comes， comes， ever comes.

    In sorrow after sorrow it is his steps that press upon my heart， and

    it is the golden touch of his feet that makes my joy to shine.

    46

    I know not from what distant time thou art ever coming nearer to meet

    me. Thy sun and stars can never keep thee hidden from me for aye.

    In many a morning and eve thy footsteps have been heard and thy

    messenger has come within my heart and called me in secret.

    I know not only why today my life is all astir， and a feeling of

    tremulous joy is passing through my heart.

    It is as if the time were come to wind up my work， and I feel in the

    air a faint smell of thy sweet presence.

    47

    The night is nearly spent waiting for him in vain. I fear lest in the

    morning he suddenly come to my door when I have fallen asleep wearied

    out. Oh friends， leave the way open to him——forbid him not.

    If the sounds of his steps does not wake me， do not try to rouse me， I

    pray. I wish not to be called from my sleep by the clamorous⁵⁰ choir⁵¹ of

    birds， by the riot of wind at the festival of morning light. Let me

    sleep undisturbed even if my lord comes of a sudden to my door.

    Ah， my sleep， precious sleep， which only waits for his touch to

    vanish. Ah， my closed eyes that would open their lids only to the

    light of his smile when he stands before me like a dream emerging from

    darkness of sleep.

    Let him appear before my sight as the first of all lights and all

    forms. The first thrill of joy to my awakened⁵² soul let it come from

    his glance. And let my return to myself be immediate⁵³ return to him.

    48

    The morning sea of silence broke into ripples⁵⁴ of bird songs； and the

    flowers were all merry by the roadside； and the wealth of gold was

    scattered through the rift⁵⁵ of the clouds while we busily went on our

    way and paid no heed⁵⁶.

    We sang no glad songs nor played； we went not to the village for

    barter⁵⁷； we spoke⁵⁸ not a word nor smiled； we lingered not on the way. We

    quickened our pave more and more as the time sped by.

    The sun rose to the mid⁵⁹ sky and doves cooed in the shade. Withered⁶⁰

    leaves danced and whirled in the hot air of noon. The shepherd boy

    drowsed and dreamed in the shadow of the banyan⁶¹ tree， and I laid

    myself down by the water and stretched my tired limbs on the grass.

    My companions laughed at me in scorn； they held their heads high and

    hurried on； they never looked back nor rested； they vanished in the

    distant blue haze⁶². They crossed many meadows and hills， and passed

    through strange， far-away countries. All honour to you， heroic host of

    the interminable path！ Mockery and reproach pricked⁶³ me to rise， but

    found no response in me. I gave myself up for lost in the depth of a

    glad humiliation——in the shadow of a dim delight.

    The repose⁶⁴ of the sun-embroidered green gloom slowly spread over my

    heart. I forgot for what I had travelled， and I surrendered my mind

    without struggle to the maze⁶⁵ of shadows and songs.

    At last， when I woke from my slumber⁶⁶ and opened my eyes， I saw thee

    standing by me， flooding my sleep with thy smile. How I had feared

    that the path was long and wearisome， and the struggle to reach thee

    was hard！

上一篇：吉檀枷利 （第三部分） 下一篇：吉檀枷利 （第一部分）