1. Declarations of love that don't ever need to declare: "I love my daughter sooo much.

 

Analysis: They feel the need to convince someone like themselves, or perhaps felt a pang¹ of love and instead of telling the beloved, they felt the whole world should be in on it. Once, a friend of mine posted, "I hate my kid. Sorry to offend you, but he's a little bastard² and I'm sick of him." Obviously it was a joke, but 141 people felt the need to tell him what a bad parent he was.

 

2. Mundane³ details about their day appearing as milestones⁴: "Going to dinner and a movie!!!"

 

Analysis: A very boring life.

 

3. Giving details about health along with emoticon to verify feelings about it: "Feeling sick today :("

 

Analysis: Bored, and too stupid to just play Words with Friends.

 

4. Emotional rant⁵ directed at no one in particular, but so specific that everyone knows they've been screwed over: "Never trust people who tell you they will pick you up at 6 just to make you wait an hour. Some people will never be mature enough to be in a relationship, so maybe they should be dumped."

 

Analysis: Well, they can't really give the person's name or address them directly. That would be too honest.

 

5. Pictures of feet.

 

Analysis: I have no idea why people do this. It's weird⁶.

 

6. Pictures of mundane plates of food in front of them.

 

Analysis: "I'm eating. You have to see what I'm eating!" Well, maybe it looked better at the restaurant.

 

7. Dozens of trivial pictures of people and their new boyfriends/girlfriends smiling and posing.

 

Analysis: This is a very interesting phenomenon. I've looked at a lot of people's Facebook albums. Women typically begin a relationship and immediately start accumulating evidence of it. The more insecure the woman, the more evidence there will be. She will begin posting them as default profile pics. In a couple of weeks, she will no longer have a profile pic with just her in it. Then she tags the boyfriend, and the tagged photos are often the only ones that the boyfriend has on his page. However, he is absolutely required to "like" all of them. You can tell how long a relationship will last by the difference in pics between the couple. If the woman has 30 and the man has 3 – it's over in 3 months. You can also gage⁷ how invested in the relationship your female partner is by counting the pics. Anything over 10 should be a warning that she wants to marry you. Some people have over a hundred, which shows some serious desperation in providing evidence that, in fact, they are really together.

 

8. White girls wearing a lot of makeup⁸ and trying to strike a badass pose, sometimes making what they think are gang symbols.

 

Analysis: They wish they were badass, or at least half Chicano, but they're just ridiculous.

 

9. Persuasive⁹ proclamations of life being good: "I'm loving life right now."

 

Analysis: Life is not good.

 

10. Persuasive proclamations about God. "I feel blessed to be alive on this glorious day, and I owe it all to God. Make God your only Savior and you will never be sad."

 

Analysis: Religious people need to spend more time in church and less time on Facebook.

 

11. Updates about how much they drink and how excited they are to be drinking: "LOL...it's only 8:30 and look at us!! We're already drunk!! LOL!"

 

Analysis: "I'm having fun. I swear. I'm not an alcoholic¹⁰. I just don't know any other way of self-proclaiming my sense of being cool."

 

12. Updates of mundane activities written as though they are jokes: "I had to stop and get gas and then wait an hour for a prescription¹¹. Then I lost my keys and couldn't get back in my car. Hahaha."

 

Analysis: "It's funny, right? Please say it's funny."

 

13. Updates written as though the page-bearer never had an English class, not even in elementary school. "OK I went to the OMG the swag thing u know I ran into that girl my friends cousin and she LOL had a gold ring in her nose and she says hey u biggie I swear I almost loosed it right their hahahaha but she knew I had to go to"

 

Analysis: They failed English but finally found a way to express incomprehensible thoughts.

 

14. Quoted clichés from various thinkers: "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." –Unknown.

 

Analysis: "I can't think of anything amazing to say while I comfort myself, and I can't find my iPod to quote some Lady Gaga."

 

15. Quoted song lyrics¹² from really bad songwriters written as though it's philosophy: "I set fire to the rain, and I threw us into the flames, where I heard something' die" –Adele

 

Analysis: "Adele is amazing! She is NOT a preconceived commercial scheme of the music industry. She's not!"

 

16. Political rants¹³ about random¹⁴ things: "Why should churches have to pay for abortions¹⁵? Obama is a terrible president and a terrorist."

 

Analysis: I don't know. I hate politics.

 

17. Unusual excitement about seeing someone: "OMG I can't wait to see Lesley and Jaime and Kelly!!"

 

Analysis: Superficiality is the drug of the overabundance.

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